10 Tips For Online Dating Success - According To The Experts
The internet is full of singles looking for love. Whether it's OkCupid, Tinder, Bumble, or any other dating app–you name it; there are singles out there ready to find their match! We spoke to dating and relationship experts Bela Gandhi, Elizabeth Overstreet, and Damona Hoffman to get the scoop on what makes people swipe right, and also what is essential to having a successful online dating experience. If you're looking for love online, these tips will be a helpful guide.
If you want the full scoop, check out our chats on the Let's Talk Love Podcast!
Screen People In, Not Out
Slow down!! Bela reminds us that we're so quick to screen people out if we don't feel instant chemistry, butterflies, or fireworks upon meeting someone new. Just because you're not feeling the whoosh doesn't mean you should necessarily screen someone out. If you feel like you had fun, if you had a good conversation - even curiosity to want to know someone new a little better - all valid reasons to give the person a second date—and a third date, and a fourth date. Give it time to see if the chemistry will go over the line. We’re not saying it's always going to happen and obviously, you're not going to be attracted to every person, but give it time.
Ask better questions for better conversation!
Be in the driver's seat. This is your date, after all. Go into your date with the curiosity of getting to know someone new. Prepare some fun questions to ask. Be empowered to make the most out of the time you have with the person you’re spending time with.
“The 36 Questions that Lead to Love” from the New York Times
Hard-Balling
If you're looking for a relationship that leads to marriage, then say that! If you want something fun and casual, there is no shame in sharing your intention. Life is too short and precious for settling for something that you do not want.
Pay Attention to Your Intuition
You know, in retrospect, we can often pinpoint the moment something was off in a relationship. When you ask people, they'll be like, "It was like three months in, and I saw this, but I kind of just shrugged it off, or I let it go." People show us who they are through actions - mostly early on. Pay attention to how you are being treated. It’s okay to question someone you are getting to know. Use your heart, your mind, your intuition. Your intuition is there for a reason, and if something doesn't feel right, validate that feeling. Bela Gandhi righty teaches: people have to earn your trust. Your story is sacred. Having boundaries and sharing yourself over time is healthy and self-loving.
Scrap the long list!
You might think that the person of your dreams has to look and act a certain way, but often your real-life soulmate is nothing like what your brain has pictured. Instead of using a checklist of characteristics, focus on things like shared values, how you want to feel in that relationship, and interests; those are much more likely to lead to compatibility in the long run. Write down three must-haves and your deal-breakers.
For example:
Has a love of family and is a good example to my children
Does not smoke (cigarettes)
Takes care of their body
We are very sexually attracted to each other
Optimistic
Has strong work ethic
Financially independent
Kind, loving, genuine
These must-haves and deal-breakers are clear, yet not specific to physical limitations. This list allows for unlimited physical possibilities - AND is clear with what matters to you.
Use A Screening Process
Have a phone call or video chat before you meet in person. Can they talk authentically about the things that are in their dating profile? Can they listen well and feed off of what you're saying?
Just keep it short, 15 minutes and you'll either be energized by the conversation or depleted by the conversation. If you're energized, intrigued, and curious, then you go on the first date!
Don't Overstay Your Welcome on The First Date
An hour, that's all you need! See if you feel a vibe, is it a yay or nay? Once you know, get out, leave them wanting more, and let it unfold over time.
The 3 Date Rule
Don't write off a potential match just because you don't feel a spark right away. Remember: it takes time to get to know someone. If they seem like a good fit but you're still not sure after the first date, go to the second date, and if you're curious after the second, go to the third date. If by the third date, you're not feeling sparks, that is an appropriate time to end it. Remember: you just met this person! A couple of days ago, they were a total stranger.
Don’t get caught obliga-swiping!
Obliga-swiping is this feeling that you have to be swiping like everyone's swiping but in reality, you're just doing it out of obligation. If you are not on your app with intention, you should not be on your app at that time.
It takes a couple of weeks for the algorithm to get to know you and show you all of the people that would be a good match. Cycle through one app until it gets to the point where you feel like it’s no longer showing you people of interest. Then you either need to wait for more people to enter the app, just be patient, or start searching for that diamond in the rough. You can also try Damona Hoffman’s cycling technique. This is when you hit the lull on one app, you cycle to another app. Then as you go through, you'll see some of the same people but you'll see a lot of new faces. By the time you are done with that cycle, you go back to the first app. Try being on a maximum of two apps at the same time to remain present, active and to avoid dating burnout.
Identify Unhealthy Patterns So You Don’t Repeat The Same Mistakes In Your Next Relationship
When you're single, it can be really hard to see the patterns in your life. You don't have anyone pointing things out to you, or helping you realize that certain things keep happening over and over again. When you're in a relationship, though, it's a whole different story. Your partner is a mirror for you. It's easy to get defensive and run away from the difficult things that are revealed here, but doing so presents an opportunity to look at ourselves more deeply, take ownership and figure out what parts of ourselves need some work.
