My Newfound Relationship to Anger
Written By Joree Rose
I'd love to share a theme that has come up a lot with my clients recently as well as in my personal life: Anger.
Before I dive into what I want to share, I invite you to notice what arises for you as you read the word anger.
Perhaps you...
feel uncomfortable because anger is an emotion you are used to pushing down
might be triggered because anger feels scary have memories that bring up trauma or PTSD from your past (or present) - if so, take a few deep breaths to help you regulate
are starting to feel angry right now - if so, take a few deep breaths
feel neutral because you don't have much access to your anger
Whatever your experience, just know people often think of anger as a negative emotion, but I like to call it a natural emotion. And it's not ever a problem to feel anger, the challenge is knowing what to do with it once it arises.
At 46 years old, I am just actually learning how to access, feel and honor my anger, as I, like many people, weren't taught or role-modelled what to do when feeling angry.
In some families, anger is not "allowed" and it's common or feels natural to suppress it. For others, there might be consequences or punishments for expressing anger. Or even another pattern might be the belief that anger = love, and therefore screaming, yelling and fighting is the way that you share care. Rarely is the case in which anger is honored or encouraged, and then taught how to constructively work through it.
Regardless of the way in which you were raised, anger likely is still a confusing emotion.
And in fact, socialization plays a part in our relationship to anger. Men are (usually) socialized in a way that cuts them off from 2/3 of the emotional spectrum leaving anger to be one of the three "acceptable" emotions for a man to express (this is called the Man Box culture, and the crux of the work that Dr. John Schinnerer does with men); and women are socialized to be "nice and agreeable." Researcher Carol Gilligan's work uncovered the sentiment that many women feel: "Do you want to know how I feel? Or how I really feel?" How women really feel is often not encouraged...so women are in a bind...
In reality, anger is really important because it informs you of what is important to you. Think about it, you don't get angry or fired up about something you don't care about. So, when you are feeling anger, ask yourself, what values or boundaries are being violated? It's a really good way of reframing your anger, and again, it's quite informative.
And did you know that anger is one of the core universal emotions? (Think of the 5 characters in the original Inside Out: joy, sadness, anger, disgust and fear; surprise is another emotion often considered to be a core emotion.) This is also evidence that it's a normal and healthy part of our emotional experiences - again, the key is how to respond vs. react to your anger.
And lastly, anger is often considered to be a secondary emotion, which means that there might be an emotion or experience that proceeds the anger. For example, common emotions that come before anger might be sadness, embarrassment or shame. So this is another thing to consider when angry..."What else could I be feeling right now?"
So why am I sharing all this? Well, because it's important to give yourself permission to feel, how to access, and then express anger. This will allow for more authenticity for yourself and in your relationships, creating deeper connection and intimacy.