Trust Issues

Conversations with Mark Groves

“I have trust issues. Help!”

As the final installment of our RLR Speaker Series with Mark Groves, we are excited to share one final question from our community. We have so enjoyed bringing your real relationship questions to Mark and hearing his practical advice.

You asked,

How do I start dating when I feel like I can't give the person the benefit of the doubt? I question whether they are being genuine, and over analyze to a point where I self-sabotage but my gut has been right in the past. Is this a self-fulfilling prophecy or am I just choosing unavailable people?

Mark: When we feel like we can’t trust other people, it’s because we haven’t developed full trust in ourselves.  This person has already validated that they’ve been right in the past. Well, I don’t need to validate that you’re right then.  If you have trust issues it’s because you’re choosing people who are untrustworthy. So, your experiencing the validation of your gut and you’ve been right in the past.  Well, what we need to start to do is, you know when people date someone who they might label as a narcissist or a manipulator – the real question we have to start asking ourselves is: Why am I a match for that type of person?  Because everything is a dance, everything is a pattern. And a good one to see if this is true is. It’s not like there’s two databases on Bumble or Tinder. But it’s funny because some people end up in relationships with the same types of people and other people end up in very healthy relationships from the exact same application.  So it tells you that there’s something that. Someone who seeks healthy connection and attachment sees in pictures or just in the interactions, that other people don’t code as a red flag. But what happens is most of us are like 20 years down the road and we’re like, Oh, @*$%!, I actually kind of knew this at the beginning. Or it’s 10 years or it’s 6 months and it’s 3 months.  So, what we need to do is move the decision tree back. A good way to do this is to ask ourselves: At what point did I actually know? Not the like, cuz the mind loves to give us a break. Like, no, we didn’t know till like 3 months. Even though it’s like – it’s not even Red Flag Central. It’s like a Base Camp at Everest and it’s so obvious. It’s obvious to people outside of our pattern.  But when we’re in the pattern, we’ve often learned to ignore red flags. So, there’s already a part at the beginning of this dating process where this person has learned to ignore something that then gets validated by intuition.

“When we feel like we can’t trust other people, it’s because we haven’t developed full trust in ourselves.”

“There is already a part at the beginning of this dating process where this person has learned to ignore something that then gets validated by intuition. ”

So, I would get coaching or therapy. Friends are great to do this though. What is it about them that you don’t like? As my friend. What is it about them that you see in these people?  And be prepared for the truth. Take the truth and then be like, Oh my God. I don’t see that they’re shirtless mirror selfies are - that’s not a green flag, FYI. You know like I don’t see that they literally have no other friends. I don’t see that everything’s a selfie. If every picture on a dating app is a selfie, you should have enough friends to take your picture. That’s my thought. And if they’re surrounded by other people who appear to have low values, they likely have low values. 

Audio of our conversation with Mark is available on our Instagram or Facebook !