What Unhealthy Relationship & Communication Patterns We’re Letting Go of in 2023

We’ve all been guilty of letting unhealthy relationship patterns take root. And just because it’s a New Year, and we’ve made our resolutions to be better, doesn’t mean that we have the tools or skills to put new practices into place yet. If you get our newsletter, you’ll know that this year we are focused on being in bloom! Meaning, we are opening ourselves up to new ways of being in love and in communication with each other. We are cultivating what we need in order to grow in sustainable ways, and we are holding ourselves with kindness, no matter where we are in our growth. 

Part of opening ourselves up to this growth means letting go of stale relationship patterns to make space for something new. Here are 3 things we’re leaving behind in 2022. 

1.“Red Flag” Language 🚩🚩🚩

We’ve all seen the memes. Dismissing people because of their “red flags” in dating and love is a trend that has swept across social media and made its way into our relationships with each other. As Danielle LaPorte said on Let’s Talk Love, “Everybody has flags.” 

Writing people off because of our own perceptions of them and their “flags” can lead to us being closed off to opportunities for connection. And, we can get further from understanding our own needs in the process. When we point out people’s flags, we put the onus on them exclusively to change, instead of being in conversation together to see if there is compatibility. 

So how can we reframe this? Danielle LaPorte suggests ditching the “red flag” language for discernment. Ask yourself questions like: Can I accept this person for who they are? Or not? Can I take an honest look at myself — my shadows — and recognize what I may need to change or adapt in this relationship? And can I actually make those changes?

“Forget the flag focus. Know yourself” says Danielle.

2. Pedestalling

This particularly harmful relationship pattern is a tale as old as time. Literally. Beauty comes in and Beast puts her on a pedestal. In the Beast’s eyes, there is no one as gentle, kind, brilliant, or beautiful as Belle — and he will always be a monster in comparison. 

This idea that we can date or love someone who is out of our league can be harmful to everyone involved. It creates a hierarchy in a relationship that is meant to be a partnership. 

Pedestalling can take many forms. It may look like the above example where someone is deemed “out of your league”, or it can look like prioritizing the needs of your partner above all else (particularly your own needs). Either way, this isn't a partnership dynamic we want to bring with us into 2023.

Those who are put on the pedestal can feel uncomfortable or overwhelmed being up there: it's unnerving to feel like if you make a mistake you’ll shatter someone’s perception of you, or that you need to continuously live up to someone else’s idea of perfection. 

Those doing the pedestalling are often avoiding looking at their own issues. They put all their attention and energy into building an unrealistic view of their partner, or on trying to “fix” their partner’s needs, rather than take a look at themselves and their own needs. Some may even be afraid of intimacy, so they pedestal someone in order to avoid being vulnerable with them. 

All around, when there’s pedestalling in a relationship, it’s not likely that you’ll find everyone is thriving. 

What can we do if we notice we are in this kind of dynamic? Find mutuality and autonomy within our relationships. In a mutually respectful, autonomous relationship, both partners are allowed to act independently of each other. Mutuality refers to the idea that partners in a relationship should be actively looking out for each other’s best interests, rather than simply waiting for others to take care of them (or ignoring their own needs).

So, have different hobbies. Spend time apart. Invest in yourself and your own interests and support your partner to do the same. Taking your relationship off the pedestal allows for trust to blossom.

3. Seeing Conflict as a Negative in our Relationships

Most of us are taught that conflict in a relationship is a sign of an unhealthy partnership. Or, like Jayson Gaddis points out on Let’s Talk Love, as social mammals some research shows that we are hard-wired to try to protect our connection to the group — so much so that we will betray ourselves or our needs to avoid becoming an outcast. With this in mind, we want to pivot how we think about conflict in our relationships.

Instead of seeing conflict as a marker of disconnection, we’re exploring how we can begin to see it as an opportunity to get to know each other in deeper and more meaningful ways. Conflict is not the issue: but how we react to it can be. If you are avoiding conflict entirely in your relationships, Jayson says the cost is going to be much greater: “you're not going to have fulfilling, deep, sexy relationships. It's just not going to happen because you're withholding. You're withholding the truth. And you're withholding part of yourself and part of your self-expression that should be honoured and respected.”

And what happens when we bury that outer conflict? For many of us, an inner conflict takes root. And now we have two unresolved conflicts to deal with. 

So how do we grow out of this relationship pattern? First, we have to ask ourselves some questions to better understand our own ways of dealing with conflict. How am I wired? What are my triggers? What was my family like — and am I trying to uproot some unhealthy conflict reactions I’ve inherited from my family? And then what about your partner or who you’re in conflict with: How are they wired? What are their triggers? How did their family manage conflict? And Jayson says, most importantly: “How are we gonna deal with all that together?” 

Both parties have to come to the table to resolve the conflict. The goal is for everyone to feel “emotionally safe, seen, heard, soothed, and supported.” says Jayson.

Listen to the full episode of Let’s Talk Love with guest Jayson Gaddis, to learn more about how to embrace conflict and start practising healthy conflict resolution in your relationships.

(You can check out these other episodes to hear from other experts on the importance of conflict in relationships: Terry Real, Dr. Stan Tatkin, Dr. Gina Senarighi).

While all of this may sound easy, it can take time to explore and develop our communication and relationship skills. Awareness is the first step towards blossoming. We invite you to become part of the Real Love Ready community: drop into our weekly IG Live Q&As with experts, subscribe to the Let’s Talk Love podcast to grow with us, and join us in-person at our In Bloom: A Love and Relationship Summit. Together we can open ourselves up to new ways of being in love and in communication with each other.