Let’s Talk Love Podcast Episode 111 with Dr. Laura Berman | Transcript
07.08.25
This transcript is from the Let’s Talk Love Podcast, available in our Podcast Feed.
Robin Ducharme | Hello, Friends of Let's Talk Love, I am so excited to be having this conversation today with Dr Laura Berman, Dr. Laura, thank you for being here today.
Dr. Laura Berman | I'm so glad to be here. Thanks for having me.
Robin Ducharme | Laura, you know, there are a lot of people that I love in this world, but I want you to know that you are one of those souls, one of those beautiful, beautiful people in my life that I love and adore and appreciate so very, very much. So thank you for being with me.
Dr. Laura Berman | Thank you. I feel the same about you and the light you are in the world.
Robin | Yeah, you are. You are such a bright light. So for those of you that are listening and watching that don't know, Dr Laura Berman, this amazing, beautiful, wise woman is a world renowned sex, love and relationship therapist. She has earned two master's degrees and a PhD from New York University, and has spent 30 years devoting her career to helping others learn to love and be loved better from mind, body and a spiritual perspective. I really appreciate that about you, Dr, Laura, and that you are, are the whole you're talking about what we are, which is mind, body and spirit.
Dr. Laura Berman | Yeah, you can't leave any of it out.
Robin | I know. But how important is that? Because, guess what? In the world of relationships and love, we are not talking enough about the energetics, the spiritual side of us, which is the infinite, which is what we are, right?
Dr. Laura Berman | Yeah.
Robin | We're walking, talking human beings having the spiritual experience. No, what are...
Dr. Laura Berman | We're spirits. We're spirits having a human experience. Close enough.
Robin | I know this. I know this to my core, but I said it wrong. And I have your the book that we talked about on my pod- on our podcast years ago. Quantum Love, yeah. And today we're going to be talking about your newest book, which I just finished reading. Actually I've been reading it all week, but I finished reading it this morning. The last chapter. It's Sex Magic. So I loved it. I really did. And I am excited about going through the pages with my partner, Hector, and practicing some of these awesome exercises, because that's gonna be really fun.
Dr. Laura Berman | Yeah, that's been one of my favorite things about and I've written a lot of books. I mean, this is my 10th book. I've written a lot of books about sex, but this book more than any other, I think, because it's so heavy and tangible exercises and things that you can do, like people finish it, or even when they're just starting to read it, they're like, I'm getting really excited to try this stuff. You know, I just, I keep hearing that, you know, I not only enjoyed the book, but now I'm really excited to try some of these things, which makes me really happy.
Robin | You know, it's really funny, Laura is like I was, I was considering reaching out to you in the last, in the last couple of couple days going, we might like, is it better if we postpone for a few weeks or a month or so, that I can practice these things and come back. Actually, this is all meant to be, because that's probably a little too personal. It's okay, I'll tell you in private,
Dr. Laura Berman | Yeah, tell me in private I want to hear.
Robin | But those of you that are listening, actually, we could do a follow up with, like, all the feedback from the listeners to say, like, this was the exercise, or this. I mean, I think that's amazing, right, and valuable for all of us.
Dr. Laura Berman | Yeah, let's have a little, a little book club, a report back.
Robin | Oh, yeah, sounds good. So I first of all like, let's just go into and you've got 30 years working as a sex therapist and therapist, personal and couples therapist. So why did you write this book? What is, what is different about this compared to the 10 other books that you've written.
Dr. Laura Berman | Nine other books, this is my 10th. I honestly didn't think I had another sex book in me. I thought I was done. I thought I'd said everything I could ever say about sex. And you know, my agent would sometimes say, you want to write another book. And you know, my last book, Quantum Love, there was a chapter about sex, but it was really about love. But my other eight books were about sex and a little bit about love, but mostly about sex, and when it would come up, I'd be like, I have zero interest in regurgitating how to give a blow job, how to increase desire, techniques, yes, like, been there, done that, and about love. I mean, I could write about love forever, but there's so many great books out there about love. But what ended up happening, it really started with the with the pandemic. Ironically, so much stuff came. Look, we all know so much stuff came up from for everyone around the pandemic. But when it comes to love and sex, there was we could no longer go out, so we had to go in. We were stuck at home with our partners, who we had been avoiding all of these issues with, often sexual issues, and there was no more distracting. There was no more running away from it. And all kinds of things were happening in relationships. Relationships were imploding in many ways. Many were up leveling, but I think a lot of them where they'd just been kind of sweeping. Things under the rug imploded and sexually this is a really interesting kind of thing that happened that nobody really thinks about, but I was watching Pornhub went free. That was their public service during the pandemic. Oh, and that created a portal for mass pornography consumption and a population of people who had nothing else to do all day. And it started changing. We now are realizing how much consistent use of porn changes your brain and your desire pathways. Now, I have always been a proponent, historically, not, you know, I'm not one of those people that's an was ever anti porn. I would always say there's a healthy place for it in your relationship, if you use it in moderation. I don't say that anymore. I mean, not that I think it's bad, wrong, evil, but it's really now we're understanding that, first of all, the way your brain processes it. It is like when you're looking at those images, your brain is processing what you're seeing as a two dimensional object, not a three dimensional person. So you're accidentally, especially with the amount people are watching it, conditioning your brain body pathways to get aroused, not by a human being, and we're seeing a lot of arousal problems in part because of that. The second is that consistent use of porn, what's happening when you're watching it, and this is really the big reason I wrote the book, is that it stimulates the dopamine centers of the brain, which are the addiction centers of the brain, which are the same part of the brain that are lit up and going wild when you're newly in love, in that initial infatuation stage. But what was happening now and this is why so many people are like choking and rape fantasies are just like at an all time high, because you're what you get desensitized. Dopamine centers of the brain are the same parts of the brain that light up when you're doing coke, so you need more and more and more. And escalated, escalated, escalated. And I was already seeing this in relationships. The number one question I would always get asked, no matter where I spoke frankly in the world, was, how do you spice it up in a long term relationship, once you get out of that initial infatuation stage, that's what scientists call it, which lasts anywhere from three months to three years, depending on how quickly you get familiar and committed and you move into the attachment stage, which is a much more sustainable kind of love. How do you keep the spice? How do you keep it interesting? And all my other books somewhere in there was all the tips, tools, toys, role plays, fantasies, all the things you could try to taste it up, right? And to stimulate the dopamine, essentially, you know, to get things exciting, but that would become familiar too, right? So I could give you a year's worth, and in a year, maybe a little bit longer, if you tried a few of them more than once, you'd come back asking for more. And then what compounded on that was this whole porn thing. So I was seeing an onslaught of people coming to me who wanted a monogamous relationship, were in a monogamous relationship, believed in monogamy, but were like, we're going to open our relationship because, you know, it's just stale, like, they were like, on a dopamine fix cycle, yep, and, and we're going to bring in a third partner. We're going to become swingers. We're going to start watching more porn, just in a in a massive attempt, a misguided attempt, to inject spice, right? Because they now their dopamine centers were like overstimulated from the porn. But it got me thinking. And by the way, it doesn't mean this was just what brought the book. You know? It doesn't mean that if you watch porn or don't watch porn, that you know, it has anything to do, in the end, with sex magic, but it really struck me how much it changed people. And I started asking, like, everything that you want, anything we want we want, a feeling, right? We all. That's the basics of it. You want a new job, you want a new car, you want a new relationship, you want your partner to show up a certain way, it's because you want to feel a certain way. Yeah. And so I started asking people, well, okay, if you had this spice, how would you feel? How does spice feel? You know, yes, because spice isn't a feeling. And again and again, it would be some version of excited intensity, or intense excitement. That's what we're looking for. And so I was like, Okay, you have all the information on the tips, tools, toys. You can go online. You can go on YouTube. You can look at my YouTube channel. You can read my other eight or nine books. You can read other people's books. There's so much out there about the tips, tools and toys. How do we create the true erotic, intense excitement there's actually, that's where Sex Magic comes in. I actually went back to the ancient wisdom of Tantra, Kundalini Taoism, Kama Sutra, the energetics of sex. Because when you start tapping in and tuning into that. Just as an example for most of us, when we get aroused and have an orgasm, that sensation is localized to the genital region, right, or maybe to the pelvis. In sex magic, you're learning to move that arousal through your entire body. You're learning, if you want to blow it out the top of your head, circle it between the two of you. You're creating physical, sensual, erotic, energetic excitement between the two of you. And you're also learning to build it inside yourself, even if you don't have a partner. You're learning to circle this and it creates a level of vulnerability, intimacy and erotic energy between you that is profoundly intense and exciting and creates a level of intimacy and spiritual connection. I don't mean in a religious sense. I mean in kind of a metaphysical sense that goes well beyond a sex toy or a fantasy or a threesome. And it's been really cool because the feedback, you know, I started teaching this to couples. First, you know, I learned I had learned it over many years, but I kind of created techniques and systems that were easy to follow. Then I started practicing it on my own with my husband, who's my guinea pig, but my trick with him is that I don't tell him what I'm doing, yeah, and then I see his reaction, and then I tell him afterwards what I did. So I would experiment on him, and then and on myself. And then I started teaching my clients and couples. And I was like, whoa. Like the feedback I'm getting is amazing. And then, and then I started teaching people how to use sex magic to manifest. So even separate from what it creates in your relationship, sexual arousal and orgasm is the highest frequency your body can hold. So when you learn to combine that with intention, you're super charging what you want to manifest into the quantum field.
Robin | It's all very exciting. Laura, I think about just, there's so many things to talk about, but let's talk about that. Let's, let's start there with manifestation. Like, how is it that we can use? I have to say, I have I know that I'm using sexual energy that is coming from because I'm in such a loving, nurturing, healthy partnership that it's like, and when I'm by myself, it's like, I feel like it's such a manifestation tool. How do you describe that? How can we talk about that in ways that people will just like understand? How do you use sex to manifest?
Dr. Laura Berman | Well, so the key to the law of attraction or manifestation is not just in getting clear on your want or get or intention, right? So, you know, we all there's all these tips and tools around manifestation. It's stating it as if it's already here. I am abundant. I am in a loving relationship. I am the author of a best selling book. I am whatever. I am a mother, I am a father. I am the parent of a healthy baby. Whatever it is that you're wanting to manifest and you're doing it in the positive, right? We know all those things and and, you know, I could write myself a check for a million dollars and tell everyone I have a million dollars and think I'm going to manifest it. But unless, and this is like the secret behind the secret, and much of what I taught in Quantum Love, and if you, if you want to geek out on the science of how this works, you can read Quantum Love, because a lot of science love chapters I explain the science of how this works. But the key that the secret behind the secret is that it doesn't matter how much you say or set that intention, you have to move into the energetic frequency of he, she, they, who has that which you desire, right? So if I write myself a check to him for a million dollars, I am needing to move into the feeling of she who had. What would it feel like if I had that million dollars in the bank right now? What would it feel like inside my body? Name those feelings. It would feel like
Robin | Freedom. It would feel freedom. That's excitement, right? And yeah, you can right? Now I'm feeling that feeling of just like the highest frequency of vibration, right? You're just like, vibrating at like, the yes, the Yes, yes, yes. Like, you know what a yes feels like, but it's like, you know all of it.
Dr. Laura Berman | So you're in that energy as you're writing the check, as you're carrying the check, as you're imagining yourself in those scenarios. Even better if you're imagining yourself there in first person, present, right, as if it's happening right here, right now. Now, the key, key, key is in moving your system into those higher frequencies. That's a lot of all kinds of techniques I teach to do that in Quantum Love. The cool thing about sex and sex magic. It is magic, right? This is something, and in particular for manifestation. This is something that people have been doing for hundreds and hundreds of years and writing about for hundreds of years as well. You can, and I teach how to do this in the book. You can, for instance, there's lots of ways to do it, create a visual, what's called a sigil, a visual representation of what you want to manifest, create, create a symbol for it, and I teach you how to do this, and then kind of imprint that symbol in your mind, maybe even put it under a pillow or next to where you're having sex. Some people have even told me they hold it and look at it right as they're getting close. I've never done that. I mean, because I'm kind of want to be in the moment, but depends, you know, you can play with this, and you hold the image. And this is the cool part, is that you don't have to move yourself into any energetic frequency because the state of arousal, you know, on the map of consciousness, or even on the quantum love map, which I combine the map of consciousness and other teachers together to kind of create a similar system, the calibration. And this is all the science is in quantum love, but, but each emotional state we're in has an energetic frequency, and the higher the energetic frequency is, the better you're going to manifest what you want. The lowest frequency the body can hold is shame, then guilt, anger, resentment, all those things once you start moving to curiosity, now you're in the yummy zone, curiosity, forgiveness, excitement, love, joy, right? Those things are high. The highest frequency the body can hold is bliss, which is that feeling of sexual arousal and orgasm that your body is at its highest frequency when you're in those states. So when you hold that image of that which you want to manifest, and you're holding that while you reach high levels arousal and orgasm, even cooler. You don't have to but even cooler if both of you are focusing on the same thing, you can do this alone. You can do it on your own when you're with a partner, but you could also do it together if there's something you want to jointly manifest, and then you're double supercharging it.
Robin | So great. Yeah, you know that is you share a lot of your client examples around, you know, problems that, issues that people have in the bedroom, right? And like you say over and over, and you've said it now in this conversation, it's not all it's not just about the sex toys or the positions or, you know, if you're in a place of shame, for instance, yeah, within yourself, or you're inhibited, it's like you are are already just in the fact of you're feeling those feelings, you're in those low frequency states. If we're gonna talk about frequency, if we want the magic of it, we have to, we have to deal with that inner stuff. Yeah, right, yeah. So can we talk about that? It's like, just you give some really great examples around there's, there's this one woman who you talk about, who she in her whole life was as a child, she was parent. She parentified, right? So she had to be the parent in her relationship. She had to raise her, I think it was eight siblings or something, yeah. And then run her. And now she runs a family business. She's employing a lot of her siblings, yes. And then you think, you know,
Dr. Laura Berman | Oh, can you relate to this?
Robin | [laughs] But I think. And then in the bedroom, she's having issues with her partner, yeah, with her husband, because she's like, parentifying, she's she's parenting her husband,
Dr. Laura Berman | right, and resenting him because he's another kid, right? And that's so common. Oh, my God, that's so common I see in relationships, yeah?
Robin | And so how can you give an example right there? Like we could all kind of think about how all of that that I just explained would translate into the bedroom?
Dr. Laura Berman | Yeah. I mean, I always say sex is rarely about sex. Just a teeny bit of what I do in my 30 year practice is about the logistics of sex. That's the easy part, yep. And the straightforward part, the part, it's all the other stuff. Yes. And sex is rarely about sex. It's about intimacy, it's about trauma. It's about the blocks that you have to pleasure. It's the way that you feel inhibited, and in the case you're talking about, it's the resentments that build because of the wounds and that you haven't healed that have prevented you from setting the boundaries that you really need to set, right? So in her case, and I'm having a brain freeze because I changed, I don't want to say her real name, I know it, but I changed everybody's names. And
Robin | Yeah, her name was Zoya. Her name was Zoya. I believe Zoya. Okay, well,
Dr. Laura Berman | So in her case, she was
Robin | Actually, no, I'm so sorry, Mercedes.
Dr. Laura Berman | Mercedes, okay, so in her, in her case, she was, like you said, parentified, and had always taken care of everyone, and now was, and this is such an epidemic among women, and now is completely drained and then feels resentment because everybody's gotten used to her doing everything, right? So in her case, and this is often, it's, it's, yeah, okay, go and set boundaries, right? But you can tell someone who's never set boundaries before, who learned and isn't even aware of how unconsciously they learned, that if you don't take care of me, you're. I'm not going to give you love and approval, and you're not going to be safe. And also kind of fell into that codependent trap that so many of us, I'm a recovering one codependents fall into, which is, if you need me, you won't leave me. So if I may, if I take care of you, if, and this is what she learned as a child, what many of us, if I take care of you, A, I'll get my needs met because nobody else is meeting them. B, I'll get approval in love and C, you know, I won't be abandoned, right? Because you need me to take care of the other kids, so you'll take care of me too, right? And it's all unconscious, but we play that out in relationship after relationship, and we get drained, we get exhausted, we get depressed, we get anxious, we get stressed and severely resentful. So it wasn't enough, and it isn't enough. And I talk about how to do this in the book, to just say, Okay, sister, time to set some boundaries. Yeah, I mean, okay, fine, but I'm not going to be brave enough to set those boundaries. I'm not going to feel strong enough to hold those boundaries, unless I'm willing to look at some of those earlier wounds and face them and heal them, you know? And that's where some of the counseling can be so helpful, and doing some, I mean, I talk a lot about trauma. In her case, you know, I don't like qualifying trauma, because traumas, you know, how it's qualified is a personal perception. I almost struggle with that big T and little T trauma philosophy. But you know, in her case, it probably would fall into a little T trauma, as opposed to someone who had been sexually molested or abused, you know, or physically abused or emotionally abused. You know, she had a loving family, she fell into this role out of necessity, and then got all the kudos, all the love, you know, and kept it going unconsciously. And I think a lot of us do that, and if you are so for two reasons, her sex life was struggling, a because she was completely depleted. And if you depleted all your energy stores on everyone else, which is what we tend to do, and putting yourself last, we only have a certain reservoir of energy, and if we aren't doing things to replenish it, we don't have enough energy for sexual interest, much less arousal. And then she also had the resentment of her partner in particular, but also of some of her family members, that was bubbling up to the surface and her, and the reason she actually came is because her husband was threatening to leave her right, because she was being so nasty to him, because of the pattern she had unconsciously set up and resented
Robin | Right. And it took therapy. It took time. It took like I really the transformation, you know, you talk about our chakras and how important our energy systems are, from our root, you know, into our diamond. I didn't know there was a diamond chakra. That was great learning. Yeah, I love my job. I swear, I learned so much. It's just so great. So you helped her unblock her solar plexus, right?
Dr. Laura Berman | Yes.
Robin | So what are our solar plexus? Chakra, That's our power center.
Dr. Laura Berman | That's your power center, your sense of identity, your boundaries.
Robin | She didn't have a childhood. No, right? Like she was robbed of her childhood. Yeah, completely. Like, all the work that you helped her to do, she was able to actually start like, when you don't, when you don't have a childhood, it's like you actually as an adult, you want to bring back into those things that you missed, right? Yes, the playing again and being and actually being taken care of, yes, by the people around her, instead of her being like she was an adult from the time she was a young child. And it's like, actually, even as a woman, as a grown woman, I want to be taken care of sometimes. Yeah. I mean, of course I could do it all myself. We We women nowadays. We could do it all we can. But do I want to? No, I don't. I want my partner to take care of me, just like I take care of him sometimes, like, like, that's what, that's what our relationships are for, is just to care for each other, so
Dr. Laura Berman | And to ask for it.
Robin | Yeah, ask for it. Yes.
Dr. Laura Berman | So I went to my husband not long ago. I don't know, maybe it was like a year ago, because I was feeling just this deep need I don't have. I mean, I have loving friends, but I don't have any extended family. Both my parents are gone. I went to him and I said, I'm feeling a deep need for physical nurturing, like, can I just climb on your lap and have you cuddle me and just tell me everything's gonna be okay and just snuggle me and I do that out right since then, I'll just intermittently, you know, he'll be sitting there, and I'll just come over and crawl on his lap, and he knows what to do now, but I asked for it, that wouldn't have been something that he would have occurred to him that I wanted, or he would have necessarily naturally Come here, honey, get on my lap and let me you know. But when I asked for it, he was very happy to give it. Yeah, but we have to ask for it.
Robin | What a beautiful example. Laura, yeah. I just, I really, that's so good. What you're teaching so much is that our intimacy, when we want to have sex magic, we want to have a mind blowing, like life altering, like beautiful expansive of sex with our partner. It's, it's like being the rawest vulnerable. It's, it's the intensity and our vulnerability outside the bedroom, right? It's the relationship that we have with ourselves and with our partner outside absolutely of the bedroom.
Dr. Laura Berman | Yeah, you know, I did research years ago around the country on what the most, most sexually satisfied women had in common. What I found was orgasms were part of it, but they were not the key to a woman's sexual satisfaction. The key to her satisfaction was the emotional connection she felt with the person she was having sex with. That was the greatest predictor for her sexual satisfaction, and it's also a huge predictor for desire, women's desire, as well as how connected and emotionally close she feels to the person she will be having sex with.
Robin | And what were the men saying?
Dr. Laura Berman | I only looked at the women in this study, but the men were saying they you know, I've talked to 1000s of men, and as you know, there to men. It's really about, there is some there they love. This is the book, and it's so funny to me, because I've written a lot of them, and most of my readers have always been women. In fact, most books, you know, most readers are women, but, but Sex Magic, I have had such huge guy interest in, which has really been cool because, you know, they do want that erotic energy. They always want to take it to the next level. You know, they're more programmed, just in their DNA and our evolutionary history for variety, right? And so in, but they also, many of them, most of them really do want a loving, monogamous relationship. So how do you create the novelty in a loving relationship? You know, that's where they are. The ones that are most susceptible to the porn cycle that I was talking about before, right? But they love Sex Magic because it's creating arousal, intensity, excitement, without having to do things that put the relationship at risk or put their sexual function at risk. But what I don't think a lot of women understand about men is how important you know, women are inspired to be sexual and enjoy sex more when they feel emotionally close to the person they're having sex with. Men feel emotionally close to their partner when they have that physical intimacy with them. So this is how we get into that sex romance stalemate, because she has lost desire for any number of reasons, medical, menopausal, relationship, stress, depression, like name it, and isn't as available for sex, and then he doesn't feel as emotionally close to her, because his vehicle for getting there isn't happening. And he then withdraws emotionally, not because he's trying to punish her, but because he doesn't feel as close to her. And then she's that much less inspired to be sexual, and then he's that much less emotionally close to her, and then this stalemate kicks in.
Robin | Yeah, here I am a 47 year old woman, and I'm with a partner who I know that I've never been so close to a man before in this way, because it's so raw and vulnerable, and it keeps getting deeper and deeper, right? Because I'm able to be more open, yeah, and share more, which is the scariest thing, right? It's terrifying, sharing this and this, and it's like, it's like, we're constantly pushing the edge and and because of that, that is, I know it's, it's big, and I've got the best, I've had the best, most amazing sex life with him because of that openness and that vulnerability. Yeah, but it requires, like, what you say, Laura, it requires emotional risk taking, yes, and when is like, if both partners are able to do that together and learn that, okay, it's you only do that through practice and through, through, actually pushing through that, right? It does take risks to open up and be like, I'm not happy about this, or this is what's upsetting me. And you can say it in a loving way, or as loving as you can. And if it turns out that okay, that person receives that well enough to work through it, that is going to strengthen your connection, so that you can be more connected and raw and vulnerable in the bedroom.
Dr. Laura Berman | In every way. I mean, we know, we know that vulnerability promotes intimacy in your friendships. When you self disclose in a healthy way, people are more likely to self disclose to you and feel closer to you and you feel closer to them. In relationships, it's the same thing, and you're absolutely right, that level of honesty and authenticity and showing your true self and being able to be your true self and be able to be held and loved, not feeling like it's in spite of your authentic self, but because of your authentic self, is what it's all about. And I teach people all the time. I spend so much time with individuals and couples, teaching them how to, you know, articulate their needs and wants or issues that are coming up to their partner, in, as you say, a loving way. And it's really simple, you focus on this is how you do it. You want me to tell you how to do it,
Robin | Yes, please. Yes, please.
Dr. Laura Berman | In a productive way. With steps, right. The first is to start with, and you get clear on all this before you speak to them. First is to think about how you, how you're, what's the feeling that's coming up, right? I'm and you just can do a body scan, or you can tune in. I'm feeling angry, I'm feeling scared, I'm feeling sad, I'm feeling frustrated. Or you can even say, if you don't want to even name your feelings. You can say, I have a pit in my stomach. I have pain in my back. I have, you know, just get really clear. And then the second thing is, what is the story you're telling yourself? Because when you're talking to someone, they can't argue with, I have a story that blah, blah, blah, if you say you don't care about me, or I think you don't care about me, or I think you're selfish, or I think you're being selfish, they're going to completely shut down, right? But if you have a story, you say, I have a story that when you didn't call me to tell me you were going to be late, that you don't really respect my time, and when that happened, I as a result, I feel a pit in my stomach. I feel really sad, I feel scared and a little angry, right? So you've said what your story is, it's your story. Nobody can argue with your story. You're saying what you feel. Nobody can argue with what you feel. And then the third step, super important, especially if you're in a relationship with a man, because they need to know what to do to fix it is what you want, right? So when you don't call me, I have this story that you don't really respect me or care about me, or know you know, care about the fact that I'm worried or about my time, and I feel this, that and the other. And what I want is just for you to remember to call and to let me know if you're going to be late. It would mean so much to me if you did. Boom, right? You're saying what your story is, what your feeling is, and what you want, and that's it. And nobody can argue with that. And then you'll see. How do they take that? Do they get really defensive and try to gaslight you? Right? Then maybe they need some of their own help, or do they meet you there and be like, Wow, I don't want you to feel that way. I'm so sorry. I didn't call, normally, I would, but I totally forgot, and I'm gonna put more attention on that.
Robin | Yep, I really like that. But thank you for that. There's, there's some somebody in your book that you talk about of a client who she was definitely feeling inhibited in the bedroom with her partner since she was little like, she would be like, all about perfectionism, and so when she was having sex with her partner, she didn't want to try new things. She just felt like, and I think, like, I think back to my, you know, I'm still, I'm still getting that, right? It's a learning curve, but I definitely sometimes feel inhibited, like, Oh God, I'm gonna mess up. I don't know how to do something. You just like, totally, don't try it, right? Yeah. But it's like, she voiced this, you said to her in one of your sessions, okay, just be like, outside the bedroom. You're gonna say, okay, okay, this is what I'm this is what's going on for me, and this is why I haven't really been trying new things. And so she had, like, back in her story, a time when she was able to be carefree as a kid, was when she was playing tennis, and her tennis teacher, finally, she said to herself, I'm just gonna have like, a fuck it attitude, like, just fuck it, okay. And then all of a sudden, she started playing tennis pretty well because, yeah, she stopped being so in her head, yeah. And she was able to just play right, right, yeah, right. And so you were like, just say it. Just tell your partner, okay. And so anyway, she said this to her boyfriend, and her boyfriend's like, Okay, the next time we're together in the bedroom, like we're having sex, and you're having any sort of, like, scared feelings or anything, or like that, you're gonna that. You think I'm judging, you just say, Fuck it. And then I and he's like, that's cool. And then now I'll know, okay, that's why you're, like, acting
Dr. Laura Berman | Yes, that's why I feel you pulling your energy back, right. So that became their signal that she was in her head a little bit, and then he could reassure her. This feels great. This, you know, whatever. So, yeah, she had some performance anxiety. And sometimes people have, yeah. So being honest outside the bedroom is really helpful. I mean, it's always good to be honest outside the bed, in the room, in the bedroom too, but you got to be careful about keeping it positive, right? So if you have any quote, unquote negative feedback, better to unless it's hurting or dangerous or upsetting, you know, if it's all other things being equal, wait to talk about it till you're outside, and then you can come up with a plan for inside, right? But. But I also find that lots of people struggle with the stories they have about who, you know, what a nice, a good woman does or doesn't do sexually, or what a good man or whoever does or does, you know, we have all of these stories about what's okay or not okay to do, or ways to behave sexually. So a lot of it is like getting clear on what those stories are and deciding, like, is this something, you know, because once I have this thing, I take people through where I haven't put in one column all, especially people who really struggle with inhibitions, in one column, put all your stories, you know, nice, good women. Don't initiate sex. They, you know, don't
Robin | If you're raised Catholic, right? Yeah, just like I was, it was just like, You got
Dr. Laura Berman | A long list, yeah. So you got to externalize it all and put them all down in the first column and the second column next to each one. Where did that come from? So it might have been when, you know, Sister Mary Margaret said, you'll go to hell if you touch yourself. And you know, next to women don't masturbate, or whatever, you know, or they don't ask for what they need in the bedroom. You know my I remember my mother. You may have, I mean, this didn't happen to me, but I'm just giving an example. Your mother and your aunt talking about the neighbor being a slut because she had sex with more than one person, right? They're all of these little moments that happen, and sometimes big, consistent moments that have taught us these and most of them you'll remember, and at least an example of where you got that story. And then in the third column, you put keep or release, right? Because, as the woman, man, adult you are now, do you still really believe this or not? And some of them, you may, and that's okay, but most of them, you'll be like, No, I don't believe that anymore. So the next time that story comes up, or that inhibition comes up, you're like, oh, that's sister, Mary Margaret, not me. I'm not subscribing to that. It becomes externalized, and it works really well with with those kinds of inhibitions?
Robin | Yeah, there's a whole chapter. There's so many great chapters. There's a whole chapter on embodiment, yes, can we go into that, Laura? Because I think so many of us, I know myself, I've been like, I am here I am like, this year, I've really been so in my body more than I have in my whole life? Yeah, you know, because I it was, it must have been like, yes, a subconscious way that I was protecting myself,
Dr. Laura Berman | That's what we do.
Robin | You know, leaving, leaving my body, not being fully present, like I was anxious, anxiety. It's like I'm in my head thinking about what's going to happen in the future or in the past, what's and it's like you're living in your past and your future, all not in the present.
Dr. Laura Berman | None of which is real, right,?
Robin | Right. And so embodiment has been, can we talk about the importance of that and how we can be more embodied?
Dr. Laura Berman | Yeah, yeah.. And it's definitely, it is the path to healing, and it's also a sign of healing, both, because when you most of us are not in our bodies, we're walking around in the world, in our heads, or disassociated, where we're not even in the building. And from a sexual standpoint, if you want to really tap into or any not even sexual just in general, if you want to work with manifestation, with energy, with open heartedness, with even if from a spiritual pursuit, like I work with a lot of people who are seeking connection with God, Spirit, universe, whatever you want to call it, that is inside. It's not found outside of you. And when you can't be in your body and in the subtle sensations of what it feels like when you really tap into that energy in the center of your heart, or when you pull the Earth's energy up into your body to ground, or access your diamond chakra, as you were talking about you know, there's all these beautiful spiritual practices that get you more tapped in, tuned in, downloading divine inspiration, manifesting all of that requires being in your body. Your body is your transceiver. It's your transmitter of frequency, and it's your receiver of how you receive information. And from a sexual standpoint, if you aren't in your body, i mean forget sex magic. You're not going to necessarily even enjoy sex or be able to get aroused and reach orgasms, much less be able to work with these beautiful energetics that you can move through your body and between the two of you and so certainly, if you've had a history of any kind of sexual trauma or assault, small or large, or however you want to qualify it, you probably learned to leave your body during sex, because Thank God you did, especially if you were abused, you know in your life or consistently assaulted or abused. That's the only way that. Or even once you learn to leave and go somewhere else in your mind, and then even when you're with a loved and trusted partner, that's just your default. You aren't in the body. You lose time or you're thinking, or for some people, it's just like I'm thinking about soccer practice. And gonna get my kids there, and whether the windows are closed, I'm just thinking about other things. Sometimes it's a habit that we've developed, sometimes it's a stress response, sometimes it's a trauma response. But what it comes back to is sex at its finest is a mindfulness experience, you know, and the more you can come back
Robin | it's mindful and like embodied.
Dr. Laura Berman | Yes, well, that's what mindfulness is, is being fully present in the now in your body. All these quote, unquote, mindfulness practices are intended to do that, so that for whatever intention, so that you can tap in more, so that you can create manifest more, so that you can have more pleasure, right? All of it starts with being present in your body. So a lot of the practices I teach around grounding in your body, coming into your body, pulling energy into your body from above, circling it through your body, pulling it up from the earth and circling it around. I mean, almost every day I go out and plop my butt on the grass and just pull energy up and out the top of my head, and then I let it fall back down and go deep, deep, deep into the earth, grounding me there. I'll just do that for five minutes when I'm feeling stressed and I am like, back home, grounded, calibrated and back in my system, but super important sexually.
Robin | So, so important to live like in your fullness. And I know like and so that right there, when you said that you're doing that, I mean, Laura, you know that that is something that works, and you've practiced it. You know, one of my appointments was canceled this afternoon, and I'm, like, my immediate thing was like, Okay, I'm gonna go for a walk like I'm gonna and that I know that going for that walk, and I and I'm consciously walking and, you know, communing with the trees and the air, like I'm so excited about it, because I'm like, Yay, I have a free hour now that I didn't have before, and I'm gonna walk like, I know that that's something that's gonna be good for me, and it's gonna be grounding and embodied. And so, like, I just because that's become a practice in my life, and something that I just I know that works. So, yeah, you could find, you want to find practices that work, right?
Dr. Laura Berman | Yeah, and I love that you're going out in nature, because, and I, and I do talk about this in sex, magic, nature, you know, has a pure high frequency. That's why we feel so good when we're in her, because unlike humans, we're constantly matching each other's energetic frequency and finding the happy medium. Unless you're consciously holding your own energetic frequency, we're all just matching each other. Nature holds a steady frequency. No matter what, does not change. Doesn't matter who is in her or around her, you have no choice but to match her energy. She never matches yours. So when you spend time in nature, it automatically raises your frequency. And then, if you can take your shoes off somewhere where there's earth or grass and really ground there, you're in training even more to the energetic frequency of the earth and right now, ironically, or maybe not. So it was in 2021 right when the pandemic was hitting the Schumann Resonance, which is monitored by NASA. It's the electromagnetic field of the Earth, the pulse, the frequency that the Earth puts out that nature puts out that the earth we're on puts out that we're all matching it drastically spiked and has remained there. So the frequency of Mother Earth jumped in 2021 and has sustained there. It's jumped even more up and down to that level, but it is at a significantly higher frequency since 2021 which is interesting to me, because we automatically match that. And what happens when our when we're all of a sudden, and you'll notice this as you do healing work, and your frequency rises, in general, not just because you're having lovely thoughts, but just your baseline frequency is higher. People will sometimes freak out on you, or suddenly go nuts on you, or reject you mostly because, or just disappear because they are at a lower, much lower frequency. The only way we can relate to each other is if we're in a harmonic frequency. So if your frequency goes really up and someone else's in your life is really low, they will freak out being around you, or they will just disappear. And so I think that's a lot of the reason why people in general are freaking out right now is because everybody's having to face their shit because they're being yanked up to this higher frequency. So they're having to release all this density, and they don't know that's happening or how to do that. So all their shadows are coming up and all their stuff, and everybody's losing it. That's my story anyway.
Robin | You know, I believe it. I'm living it. This past year has been a clearing me too, in many, many, many ways, like, it's like cleaning house, in all respects and I have always kept a clean house. But this is on a very bigger level.
Dr. Laura Berman | Yes, yes, exactly on an energetic level.
Robin | Yeah, something I wanted to quote this part of your book because, Laura, I loved it so much. It's about monogamy and being in a committed relationship. "Discover this new story about monogamy. You get to spend the rest of your life learning to have passion, heart stirring, sex with your partner, and you get to be compassionate and patient during those times when it's not everything you might have hoped for. You get to make love anew every day and find new ways to express that love, and you get to do so in a place without judgment or fear or doubt. You get to love and be loved in the most perfect way that two human beings can love each other, and you get to do so for as long as you both have breath in your lungs. I mean, if you're with a partner, that you can do that with and be like and just grow with and expand with and just that is the dream that is what I've always wanted in a partnership, in a committed loving relationship, is to be able to have that, that safety, that security, but also that freedom. Yeah, right, yeah. And if you're in that place with somebody like you can, you can work on the sex magic over time.
Dr. Laura Berman | Yes, right, yeah.
Robin | You have the time.
Dr. Laura Berman | Your life is sex magic.
Robin | Yes. But I think what you're inviting us to do is so many things Laura like, this book is so full of of like, new ways to look at ourselves and each other, and so much of it, like you said, the frequency of curiosity. Oh, my goodness, right. That is high frequency. It is curiosity. Can we talk about that before we close? Just how important curiousity is?
Dr. Laura Berman | Yeah. I mean, that's the tipping point, curiosity is the tipping point from what I call ego frequency and home frequency. That is where you're moving out of the lower frequencies and tipping over if you can just stay in curiosity, much less joy, forgiveness, excitement, all those higher frequency, all those on the higher end, if you could just stay in curiosity, 51% of the time, your entire world will change, and you will become a magnet for so many beautiful things. Curiosity opens our hearts. It opens us to the possibilities. It opens our minds to a different way of maybe looking at things, it softens the grip of the stories that aren't serving us that we're attaching to, you know, and even when something tough happens, or if, like, I have a disappointment, or something's just really messed up and not working, I will just get like, I'll just get curious of like, what is this here to teach me? Or how might this serve me in the end? Or even if it doesn't serve me, what might I learn from this? Or how might I use this as an opportunity to lean more into faith, right? Like just getting curious opens up a whole new energy for you, and new pathways and new ways of seeing and new ways of seeing your partner, much less yourself and your situation.
Robin | Yeah, and ask. I really, really like that, because it's like the curiosity piece. Even if you like you said, you don't, you don't have the answers, you could ask, yeah, like, ask for, ask for the insight, ask for the answer. And often we will get, like, some sort of downloaded like, Yes, this is the new way to look at it. Oh, yeah. Didn't think of it that way, right?
Dr. Laura Berman | Yeah. Or I'm curious, because I'm feeling a distance from you, even from your partner. I'm feeling a distance and I'm really curious. And when I've been feeling that distance, I feel tight in my chest. I feel scared. I'm making up a story. I'm making up this story that you're not as into me right now. I don't know what it is, so I'm just really curious. I wanted to check it out with you, because what I really want is to feel aligned and really close to you, right? That's a great way to be curious.
Robin | Oh, thank you, Laura. You're the best.
Dr. Laura Berman | You're welcome.
Robin | I always feel so good after we talk, that's for sure.
Dr. Laura Berman | Good.
Robin | You are a healing presence in this world. And in my life.
Dr. Laura Berman | Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for having me and for talking sex magic. My new favorite topic.
Robin | Oh, my goodness. I'm excited to practice sex magic over and over and over again.
Dr. Laura Berman | Yeah, keep us posted.
Robin | I'm going to close with a blessing. That's right, because I love to do that. It's all from your sentiments, from your book this week. So may we bring patience, compassion and humor to sex. I will add fun and then laughter. I love that part. Yeah, may we remember that the best thing we can do for our love life is to start every day with the realization that your partner is not the same person you slept next to last night. They're growing, changing and evolving, just as you are. And may we practice focusing on presence over distraction, connection over escape, thrilling depth over cheap thrills, authenticity over performance and focus. Fulfillment over emptiness. This is what sex magic is an invitation to view intimacy as sacred again. Yeah.
Dr. Laura Berman | Amen.
Robin | Thank you. Dr Laura Berman,
Dr. Laura Berman | And so it is.
Robin | And so it is.