Let’s Talk Love Podcast Episode #17 with Danielle LaPorte | Transcript
22.08.30
This transcript is from the Let’s Talk Love Podcast, available in our Podcast Feed.
Robin Ducharme | Hello, everyone. I'm so happy to share this conversation with world-renowned author, speaker, teacher, and all-around incredible human being Danielle LaPorte. Danielle is a master creator in this world. She is someone who I have been learning from for over a decade. We talk about religion and spirituality, understanding discernment, and about getting rid of the term red flags. Danielle shares her personal story of online dating, and how after years, she did meet the love of her life. I hope you soak up the love that this conversation is so full of. Welcome to the let's talk love podcast where we flip the script on outdated narratives and cliches about love and relationships. I'm your host, Robin Ducharme, founder of Real Love Ready. This podcast is for anyone who wants to be better at love regardless of relationship status. We'll talk about the intimate connections in our lives. And the challenges and complexities inherent in those partnerships. Through our no holds barred interviews with global experts will gain insight about ourselves and learn new skills to improve our relationships. Because when we learn to love better, we make the world a better place. Are you ready for open and honest conversations about love? Let's get started.
Hello, everyone, and welcome to a very special episode of Let's Talk Love. And I know I say that a lot of times when I welcome guests but today, I am so incredibly happy to welcome somebody that I've loved for many, many years. Danielle LaPorte, who I consider one of my friends as well. And I love you so much. And I'm just so glad that you have agreed to come on our show and talk all things love and wisdom and intuition and discernment, and heart-centered. So I'm going to introduce you and then we're going to dive right in.
Danielle LaPorte | Okay. I can never say no to you, Robin. I'm all in.
Robin Ducharme | I appreciate that Danielle. Danielle is the creator of the heart-centered membership and heart-centered leadership program with 400 Plus leaders in 30 countries, hosting conversation circles, retreats, and workshops in all kinds of communities and businesses. Her inspirational creation, the desire map, which I have behind me, the purple book, and we can pull it out and I'll show everybody. The desire map, a guide to creating goals with soul has been translated into eight languages and evolved into a yearly day planner system, a top iTunes app, and an international workshop program with licensed facilitators in 15 countries. Danielle is also the author of three nonfiction books, and we're going to be talking about your book hot, White Hot Truth, which I've read your book many times. And I listened to the audio recently, over the last month. The audio is so fantastic. Anybody who wants to download and listen to Danielle's melodic voice reading her White Hot Truth. And the stories you tell it like laugh-out-loud funny because you've got such a great sense of humor. I recommend it to anybody. So we're going to talk about that today along with your newest book, which you have, I just pre-ordered your newest book! How To Be Loving. I'm excited. It comes out in October. So we'll talk about that as well. I just want to say Danielle, and I mean this like from the bottom of my heart like you're one of the coolest women I know. And I just think that's the neatest thing because you're the real deal. You've got the biggest heart. You're strong, but you're so kind, and you just have so much wisdom and I just feel like yeah, this is gonna be such a wisdom-filled conversation. And you're so damn funny too. So, thank you for coming, darling.
Danielle LaPorte | Totally. Let's do it.
Robin | Okay, so the first question I have is it really just about what in your life is giving you the most joy right now? And what is your greatest challenge that you're facing right now?
Danielle | My greatest joy is simplicity. Yeah, just there's like a new kind of ease in my life that comes from just the last two years just making big decisions like big moves like let go of a lot of material stuff and I moved to be by the ocean and you know, I fell in love. I know we're gonna talk about that and shifted my business around and just like things like moving into a four-day work week. I have this Flexi Friday practice. I mean, it's like we still work but there's this there's just more spaciousness so that there's just a lot of joy, more space in my life, more simplicity, more joy can come in. I'm always joyful that my kid is happy, safe, healthy, getting strong, you know, 18-year-old, young buck and challenges right now, I mean, it's so petty but as we're recording this everybody in Vancouver is just praying for summer, like, I need some vitamin D.
Robin | Yes. And we all do.
Danielle | Yeah. And it's, I mean, it leads to like a bigger thing, which is, I think right now, for everybody on the planet, physical wellness has to be prioritized in a way we have never prioritized it before. It's not like it's not just like self care Fridays and getting a mani pedi. It's like, it's like simplifying your life and really looking at everything you're putting into your body and like, all the things that affect positively or negatively your nervous system. So yeah, my life, my gift, and my challenge is nourishing my nervous system. Because without that, I can't really serve. Yeah, there's no need to be joyful when you're really dry. Yeah.
Robin | Yeah. Isn't that the truth of it? So your book, which I do want to dive into White Hot Truth. I mean, it's been when did you write that book? How long ago?
Danielle | Five years ago.
Robin | Yeah, it's still just so raw, it rocks. Like, I just love it so much. It's hilarious, relatable explorations of the conflicts between spiritual aspiration and our constant compulsion to improve. Like, amen. I think that this is such, this, in itself is a pandemic, of a lot of women that I that I mean, we weren't girls, and now we're all women, and we grew up this way, and we're still on this constant compulsion to be better. And just be the best person you can be. And that wasn't I wasn't being the most loving in that in that example about boundaries versus walls like you know that that kind of thing. So I did I did want to get into that but Danielle, I'd like to know, you refer to yourself as eternal seeker. And I think I'm I'm the same way a lot of us are. Do you think that you know, there's a time in your life when you started on this seeking journey? Like was it something that was inherent in you? Or do you remember a time when you're just like, Okay, now, there's a switch that flipped almost and I'm, I'm going to be I'm on this path?
Danielle | No, switch. Just on it. Just like super curious really religious little girl love Jesus, love Mary. Maybe I want to be a nun, but I want to get married to like it. Just all of it. Anything I could get my hands on to read. Teenager. You know, I was reading Louise Hay at 15.
Robin | Yes, I love that story.
Danielle | Serious.
Robin | Yeah. Something that I related to so much in your book. And I think we've got a similar story of growing up Catholic. And I was I was that little girl that would stay in my bed at night and do my rosary every single night. I was like, like that fervent like worshiper and like devotee to Mary and of course to our Father, our fathers and Hail Marys. That's all rosary, right? I would stay up and like be like, very, like, just, I think, in my way now I looked quite obsessive about it. And when I was 17, I discovered Conversations with God, the alchemist, I can't remember who gave me this book. And then it was like, for me, it was like a flip that switched. And I became this almost obsessed person with spirituality, reading every single book. And it, it felt like huge insights and huge wisdom. But I think it also set me up for what now I'm kind of trying to get more into the middle, like, of being human. Like, I went from being like, totally disciplined and like judge, like, don't do that you go to hell, you know, there lot of fear that's put on you. That was put on me when I was a religious little Catholic girl. And then the spirituality like I've got to be more like God, I'm not being loving, loving enough. I have to be more giving and generous and all these things. And it comes at a cost because you're not being your human self.
Danielle | You're not being your whole self. Yeah, I think, um, you know, I say that I just replaced the 10 commandments with the laws of karma. You know, so it's like, I, you know, I left Catholicism. I feel like I've come full circle but it, but I just found like another paradigm to punish myself with. And then when, but then there's this place that settles. So, like I talked about, there is light guilt, higher consciousness guilt, which is like having a conscience. And then there's ego guilt, that really heavy dense dark guilt. So it's like, you know, the heavy, the heavy guilt is, that's really just the ego mind, it's the unhealed self, making sure that you feel small and guilty, and you can never get it right. And you're always going to be trying to earn your keep, either, you know, to get approval from a family member or to win divine favor to get into heaven, or to burn enough karma for your next lifetime. Whatever it is earning, earning, earning. It's like it comes from that, you know, the Buddhists call it The Hungry Ghost, you're never gonna get there. It's like, it's, it's so stick and carrot. And then there is more luminous conscience, which is, there's right and there's wrong, there's morality, there's ethics, there is you know, what, you have to be this, this definitely a case of like, be careful what you wish for, because lots of people in the self help space, you know, we use this language like, initiation and we want ritual, I want ceremony. And we want all this esoteric knowledge. Okay, that may be part of help that that's driving may be coming from a healthy place, it can also be coming from a shadowy place of the one more tool, one more thing to beat myself up with one more tool that makes me superior to other people, because I know how this works. metaphysically. But you need to be careful about how much knowledge you want to take in. Because you do like start to learn that metaphysically there are right ways to do things. And there are wrong ways to do things. It's like I see all these be so many women in the, in the, you know, in the motivational self help space and you know, doing things in the woods with the full moon and I'm just like, girlfriend, do you know what you're doing? These are, these are technologies that like, we lightly believe in. But if you're gonna believe in the power of something to heal you whether it's a stone or it's working with an energy worker, you have to be like fully aware of like, what's under the hood? Yeah, conscience good conscience is part of being a spiritual grown-up. And sometimes it's, well, it's not, sometimes I'm going to use the word guilt in like this really positive way. I think when we do something that is not aligned with love, our soul just gives us this little message like, Hey, did that feel good? And then we have some healthy guilt about it. And we go, and when you have the healthy guilt, you really have the opportunity to expand or to stay frozen. So you feel that pain. And your choice right there is to go clean it up. Which in this space would be called rectifying your karma. Go apologize, ask for forgiveness, forgive, yeah, clean up your side of the street. And you're better you're stronger, you're more loving. Yeah, but ultimately, an all mystics speak of this, the journey is about self compassion. So you could not clean up your side of the street, you could just keep accumulating karma. And you still will have to get to that place where you realize that you are loved no matter what. And that you are love. You can love all of your ignorance away.
Robin | You can love all of your ignorance away. Yeah, that is self that is self compassion. And the more that you can give that to yourself, you're able to extend that to another person.
Danielle | The give and the done. Not only are we able, my observation is that we will want to, you know, like, you've been through some stuff we all know people who have they've had their dark nights of the soul. They've life has initiated them somehow. And what I see and of course, a miracle speaks about this is that lots of things happen. But two key things one, you make this, you almost make this vow, some of us it's it's very pronounced, you will do whatever it takes to never go back there again. You never want to experience that sorrow, that anxiety, that sick feeling, whatever it is. So you're going to do, you are going to do all the work to keep your vibration, Hamann going in the right direction. And then the other thing I say is that, I mean, some of us get pretty preachy, but then you want to do whatever you can to prevent people from getting into that same dark valley. Or you'll do whatever you can to help them walk through the valley of the shadow of death, you know, you really get committed to, well you become a healer.
Robin | Something you talk about in your book is this, which this is a love this the lie of authority. Right? It's like this, and I am so this is like, I think I somehow I do this sometimes. And I think we're all so guilty of this is like, Okay, who is the expert, that I need to turn to for this wisdom? And I think that that is, that's important to do. Because it's like, if I don't know the answer, yes, I can seek it out through some people or a book, or asking somebody I know, you may know the answer that I'm seeking here. But it's putting too much emphasis on that person. It's like they're on a pedestal, they know more, they're better than you. And and it's almost like you, you're bypassing your own wisdom. When it comes to, you're needing somebody else to validate your life and your choices, reliance on others of authority to validate your choices, right?
Danielle | I think it can be more toxic than that. It's not even validate my choice. It's like, tell me what to choose. And then we just get so lost and I think, you know, we are now in the Age of Aquarius, Age of Aquarius is about unity consciousness, it's like the day of the guru, it's it's over. And it doesn't mean that there aren't truly enlightened people, it doesn't mean, there are people in your life that you will come across, who can actually help you heal. But they're helping you heal just because you temporarily forgot to heal yourself, you have that power, you're just a little bit blind to it. So no one has more power than you. It's just, they're a little more aware of what they've got, a little more skilled at using it. And we should be eternally grateful that some people point their healing in our direction, and that we have the wisdom to seek out other people at that vibration who can help out. But eventually, ultimately, it's got to be you. Personally, I have worked with some masters, really blessed to have some Luminous beings come into my life. And they have given me that gift of healing at different times. And, and my greatest tests have come from not doing what they told me to do.
Um, some of them are very subtle. There have been times where, you know, like, I have an energy healer on our payroll. She's part of our team. And she's been, there's been times where she said, You know, I think maybe you should design it this way or, or hire that person. And, man, you know, I go through weeks of inner conflict, because she's powerful. I respect her and I've been the beneficiary. And I've had to get down to, uh, that doesn't work for me, like, I think this is what's better for the people for my body. And the thing with any luminous I'm using the word luminous because very few enlightened, truly enlightened beings. The thing within luminous individuals is, they don't really care. They don't care what you choose, they want the best for you. They want you to choose in the direction of wellness at all times. But every great wisdom keeper knows like, it's your soul that makes a choice. No one can see the decisions that your soul needs to make for your unfolding. And you could like jump on off on Cliff one day, you could marry the wrong guy, you could do something really unethical. And we could see like, six months, six years down the road. I was so divine. You learn so much you open so many doors that was the fire you needed like you just never know. And it doesn't matter. We're all gonna get home. It's do you want to get there the hard way? Or do you want to get there more gracefully?
But in that example, you were saying about your healer that you work with you, something in your body, which is, which is what you you talk about and you teach, which is fantastic about just the inherent body wisdom, how important that is to sit with yourself and go like, Nope, that didn't feel right. I mean, I understand like you, of course you look to her for she's a wisdom keeper, as you say. So it's like, yeah, she probably gives some amazing wisdom she imparts a lot of wisdom. But that just didn't feel right for you. And that's okay.
Mm-hmm.
Robin | But you did. You said you took weeks to actually consider.
Danielle | Oh, and I and we still have that dance. I think after I've been through my own. really moved into my own power. I see all of those wisdom keepers now. As part of my counsel, we're on a team together. We're on a team. And so there's some people, you know, I very specifically want, I want knowledge from. I'm less knowledge-oriented than I used to be, but it's like, what's the right thing here metaphysically speaking? What's really happening with the planets? Or what happens in the body when we work with this kind of sound? or color or meditation? Those things? That's like, that's a skill. But at the end of the day, I want to make my own mistakes, you know?
Yes, yes.
Yeah. Yeah.
Robin | Yeah. So, can we talk about discernment there? Yeah. This is a question around the difference between discern discerning versus being judgmental?
Danielle | Yes. Okay. So, discernment is actually a function of love. So Divine Love is inclusive, it sees everything, and it loves it as it is. So you show up on my doorstep, in whatever condition you are, and I just say, this is what's happening. This is how we got here. I love you, you are welcome. Let's go from here. That's how, you know, ideally, we want to walk through the world in that way, this is what's happening with a global health situation, this is what's happening in my relationship like I am, I feel connected to a higher source. I know that I'm not alone. I know that, like there's wisdom and myself, I have the capacity to see. And I want to really see what's going on, that's actually love. And that allows you to make choices. So you can see, that is unjust. That is low vibration. That is kindness. That is goodwill, that's positive intention, that's a negative intention. And you're not saying I cast you out, I judge you I'm better than you, because I can see that you are making a weak choice. Because I can very clearly say that this is in the direction of immorality. I just like I can see it. And at the same time, I acknowledge, like, we all come from the same source. We're all bozos on the bus, we're all in this together who's like, like, it's, it's a combination of, we stand on Common Ground. We all want what's best for everybody, Goodwill for all. And then this that, and that is not working. Let's go from there. And what happens, especially in relationships is that we don't want to see because we feel this fear that if we see what's really happening, then we're going to have to leave and someone's going to have to sell the sofa, then the dream is over. And my counsel on this always is like, just want for the truth. And then you go from there. If you just there's such a relief, you'd be like, shit, you know, this isn't working. Or I haven't been honest. Or you aren't really consistent in your word, whatever. So I love you. But this is and, I love you and, yes, I love you. And this is what's going on. And because I love you. Let's move towards wellness and cohesion and more honesty, and it's like, how do we get together on this? But like no illusions, no illusions? Yeah.
Robin | I really like that. That's, that's awesome. We have a community question about what you know, you're dating and you know there's red flags, right?
Danielle | Oh, yeah.
Robin | So the question is, I'm in a fairly new relationship, approximately two months. We're in the phase of learning, enjoying asking, exploring. I've seen some wonderful sides of this person and some sides I would call flags. Personally, he's filling a few of my buckets that make me happy. I've worked a lot on my childhood traumas. I know my triggers. He doesn't share his darker side and tends to use humor to deflect hard situations. He has said more than once. I don't want to talk about this anymore. When it comes to personal discomforts. We also have come across a conversation where it appears one of our core values was differing. It had to do with gender roles and how far we've come. He doesn't think non binary is a thing. I disagree. We talked about it for a bit. I asked him questions about this, he shut the conversation down after a short q&a. How long does it take to see a person for who they truly are? Maybe he's not open to sharing his pure vulnerability, as he isn't fully comfortable yet? Or is he simply emotionally unavailable? I know trust takes time. I'm moving slowly in this relationship, but I've learned from past crap relationships. Are these flags, truly flags? Or do I just need more time to know?
Danielle | I'm so done with his terminology around flags. Yeah. I mean, we just everybody has flags.
Yes, we all have flags. [alughs]
And it's like, every time I hear the term flags, it's like, I really think the question is, Should I accept this person for who they are? Or not? Should I look at my own shadow? Or not? The answer is, yes. accept them for who they are. And yes, look at your own shadow. And then you go from there. It's like, the thing with his language around flags, is that it puts so much blame on the other person. Flags is another term for like, here's all the things that are wrong with them. Here's all the reasons this isn't going to work for me. Okay. That's not teamwork. That's not love. Now, at the same time, we're discerning, we have standards, you have to know yourself. Forget the flag focus. Know yourself. When do you feel alive and open and warm with this person? Do you feel at ease? Do you feel inclined? This is a really, I think, important one. Do you feel inclined to love them? All of them? Do you? Do you see that ism, that neuroses? Do you see when they shut down? And do you feel soft in the presence of that? Then Isn't that beautiful, that you can be soft? Yeah, this is making you more loving. And then maybe you can help them we're in this together, you can help them dissolve some of those barriers. If you don't feel more open and more loving in their presence, you might want a peace out. This is like too much for your nervous system. This isn't the caliber that you want to play at. My observation and experiences is it takes, you know, we all know the honeymoon is going to end.
Yeah. The honeymoon is great, but it doesn't last forever.
Yeah. There's so much good news, though. It's like don't get attached to the honeymoon. Because you know what comes after the honeymoon? Union. Real intimacy, real expansion, real euphoria. And we're really getting into it. And that's what everybody, that's what the heart is, you know, always dreaming, that's what the heart knows as possible. So all the, we are who we are in the beginning, we're going to be just more of who we are about 18 months to three years and my theory is if it's making you a better person, if you're healing, meaning if you are becoming more loving towards yourself and the world. Maybe we keep going.
Robin | Mmm, I really, that's such, we're going to quote that Danielle.
Danielle | Okay.
Robin | Thankfully, my husband does accept me for who I am and loves me because of who I am. [both laugh] So I would love to hear more about whatever you're willing to share, Danielle about your online dating journey. And how you, you and I did want to talk about you know, this the law of attraction, right? Because there is definitely different schools of thought around that too. And you talk about this in your book around you know, if you bring it let's say you're dating and you attract or let's just say you're you meet somebody, that's definitely not on the up and up. Okay, let's say this narcissist, you come across even in your business or whatever, right? Yeah, you're like, Oh, I attracted that person. Probably not.
Danielle | No.
Robin | I think people put this, there's that law of attraction thing that can hang over you when you're dating. You're like, oh, I attracted with the wrong person.
Danielle | No, well, I disagree, I could, yes, you did attract that person. Robin, I'm sorry to tell you.
Robin | Okay, okay. [laughs]
Danielle | You are attracting everything and all of that. Yeah, there's no energy follows thought, the thoughts you have or magnetic, whatever, you know the energy that's in your thought, are you having loving thoughts? Are you having divisive thoughts? Angry thoughts? Whatever, they are magnetic and you're going to bring that into your life, we bring in relationships into our life to heal. That's it, we are on the planet to heal. Relationships are the, the vehicle of healing every relationship, whether it's with the guy who's giving you coffee in the cafe, or the person you've married, or your boss who's just fired you, is an opportunity and assignment, it's more than an opportunity. It's an assignment for healing. That's it. So if you are, I can speak very personally about this. So I like to refer to narcissism as you know, someone has this a narcissistic personality. So again, no one is a narcissist, right? Narcissism operates on spectrums, everybody's a little bit so self centered, then people are a lot self centered. And narcissism is really a, it's an illness, it's a misalignment with the soul, you just have, that person has just turned away from their heart, they have forgotten that they are actually like this loving, divine being. And so narcissism is really this disease of shame. And they are just covering up their shame all the time by shaming others, by trying to get other sweetness and all of that. And, you know, narcissists love to like get things to move really quickly, because they don't want anybody look under the hood, and see all those things that they're actually trying to cover up. So I have a lot of compassion for the narcissistic personality. I have done that dance a few times. Now we all especially in this in the personal development space, there is this story, especially with women, that empaths attract narcissists. Because empaths you know, identify as being so feeling and so sensitive, and then we get into the whole highly sensitive person conversation. And of course, you know, opposites attract. And so then you have an that narcissistic personality actually does not have full access to all feelings or to higher states of consciousness. And so the empath will kind of do the feeling for them, do the emoting for them. It's heavy work. And I've been in the dance, whereas like, I am so sensitive, and they're so insensitive. But what I needed to realize was that, in the law of the universe, where everything is reflection, I met, you know, the degree of someone's self-centeredness and greed and all of that. That's not a direct reflection of who I am. I know, I'm a loving giving person. But I've got some of that in me for sure. Because that's the way the universe works. So let's say they're like 90% self-centered, and I'm just angelic and evolved. And I'm just 10% self-centered. I need to take responsibility for my 10% narcissistic behavior. And that's the opportunity there. I think when we get in those dynamics, they're just like, oh, it's all them. But you know what, it's a little bit you too. And when you're on the path, and you want to be as loving as possible, forgiving and compassionate and resilient and radiant as possible. You better look at those seed frequencies that are in you, when you want to, you know, keep it all clean and high vibe. You got to, you're being called to be more impeccable with your word and it's like, the more radiant you become, the more soulful you become, the more responsibility you have. Yes, so if I, you know, if, if I if someone crosses my path, and they're a bit of a douche look at my own little dish. You know, my introduction is,
Robin | Did you know that that was my nickname in high school? My friends would yell down the hallway "Douche!". I'm like "Do not call me that." [both laugh]
Danielle | That is so hoser, you're such a hoser, Robin. I think I've just, that's what I love about you. It's your inner Hoser.
Robin | [laughs] I'm such a hoser.
Danielle | You are. I love it. [laughs]
Robin | Oh, I love it. Don't come across a douche. That's good. And so you're looking at yourself and going where's my inner douche?
Danielle | You know, we talk this term, I say this again to like doing the work. But this really is the work is like looking within. And then, you know, the next question will be well, should I leave them because they are a narcissist, and I'm going to clean up my own stuff and at to which I think our responsibility as individuals is to create conditions of healing for ourselves to create a really beautiful life. And that means, you know, I always say like, love yourself the way God would love you. Does God want you around toxicity? Does God want you ingesting, you know, verbal criticism all the time? Does God want you eating unclean food, drinking dirty water? No, no, no, no, no. So we have to create environments for ourselves that are nourishing, and you have to love yourself enough to do that. And that means, then goodbye, sometimes, and the small self will want you to stay in those crap situations. And my observation is, you know, when you love yourself enough, really, really to do that. You can leave with love, you're always wishing the best for somebody else. But to put a fine point on this, about attracting the people you are, we are going to attract people that directly poke at our wounds, someone's going to come along with some they're with their sandpaper, and they're just gonna rub on an unhealed situation until you go okay, I gotta look at this. I got to apply some compassion to my old scar tissue. And thank you, you know, it's what Harville Hendricks calls the imago match. If you have abandonment issues, you're going to attract someone who abandons you in some way or another. Until you realize, until you do your own healing until you stop abandoning yourself until you realize that you've actually never been abandoned by life. Life is always holding in life is always showing up for you. You don't blame it on your parents anymore. You don't blame it on your current partner. And you say, Okay, I'm gonna stand by me. And then either your other partner, he watched the other partner shift when you stand by yourself.
Robin | I love that. So okay, we don't have a lot of time left in y'all. But I really want to hear the story of how you met your partner. And really what shifted in you. You know, did you write your profile? did? Did you just okay, because you've met your partner online?
Danielle | Yeah.
Robin | Okay. So when you wrote your online profile, you had been online dating, you've met different men online before?
Danielle | Yeah.
Robin | And what I want to know, for our listeners that are looking for that deep love that you have found, did you shift your profile? Did you, because you're constantly in self-reflection, and you're such a conscious person. But I'm wondering, was there a shift in you, okay, now, this is not the right word in this profile, I have to write it this way. This is how this is. And also thinking, I know, you concentrate on, This is a big long question all wrapped in to, or about wanting to know more about like the strategy because there is strategy here and it's like it is conscious. And like how you want to feel and when you're in this relationship, you've got so many teachings around this.
Danielle | Yeah. Well, some key points here. I was single, as you know, for a long time. I mean, there were some dalliances here, there were some things here and there. There were a few obsessions and a few things. But nobody that I really, you know, really was like, wow. And I had the online dating profile. It took me a long time to get online. I was like, never, I really felt it was. It wasn't magical enough. It was beneath me like this is really going to be like a soul-to-soul relationship. He's just gonna like I'm gonna bump into him at the cafe. It's gonna be totally organic right now. Get over. I had to get over that. I won't give any advice in this respect. I really
Robin | A lot of people think a lot of people talk about the privacy of it. I don't want to do it. I'm too private. Well, then.
Danielle | Oh, yeah. Forget it. Forget it. Listen, I'm a little bit public and I you know, and if I can get over it, and I this is the most important part is I, this is going to be so, I'm stammering because this is so cliche. I gave up wanting to be in partnership. So this is this is important. I have been so I identified with finding my beloved my entire life since I was a little girl. I've known that like my dharma, my purpose is so much about partnership, I'm here for three reasons to be loving, and to talk about love, to raise, support my son's creativity, and then to have this beloved partnership. And a couple years ago, I gave, I consider giving everything up. So I just said to God, like, I have so much love in my life, if I am meant to just be single forever, and just really just get off on the love that I have. I'm okay with that. You know, I like we said, at the top of the hour, I've thought about being a nun when I was little. And I really I am not shitting you I really let it go. And I let some other things go to I was like willing to die and willing to give up my career and all these things. And I got off mine. Of course, as you know, all my profiles closed. And the only evolution I know some people were thinking, Yeah, but what about the profile, the evolution of my profile, the beginning of dating, my profile was more bold, and is more about being sexy, and showing off my success, all sorts of subtle ways to do that, you know, and, and then I actually worked with a mutual friend who's a matchmaker who said, you know, you are big, you need to just maybe be a little softer here. And I actually took great offense to that. And, and I realized she was right. And that, of course, I want to be with a man who celebrates my power and my success in this world and all that stuff. But let's just give him a chance to get in the door. Right? Yes. And so my profile shifted to like, I was so simple. It's just like, I put those more feminine things I lead with those. It's like dance, and yoga and being in you know, by the ocean. And it was that, and just more pictures smiling. Just like, let's just show like, I'm actually like a really fundamentally joyful, hilarious chick, right? Okay. Yeah, I let everything go. And then a few months past, it was like, the end of the summer. And I realized the desire was still there. But it was my approach was very different. And that I was willing to gamble on myself. And because, I mean, this goes back to also the shared conflict, we have like, is this holy? Is this human? However, I'm designed, I'm always questioning that it's like, maybe marriage isn't the right thing. I, you know, it was so neurotic for me, I would have to remind myself that like, Christ had Mary Magdalene and like, even Eckhart Tolle has a partner. And like, all these great enlightened masters, many of them that I adored, they actually have beloved relationships. None of that, even though had to matter. It was just like it was in me. And so I had a conversation very, like direct conversation with God on my knees on the shag carpet and just said, I don't know if this is right. I don't know if this is maybe this isn't holy. But it's in my heart. And I'm going to, I'm going to go for it. And maybe I'll pay the price. But I'm actually going to be a stand for me. I'm not going to abandon my heart now. Yeah. So I am officially more officially than ever putting in this request. And at that point, I was just so clear. I was like, I know the vibe of the love. I want a real partner. It was in the height of all this world health stuff. I was like, I don't care. I want to meet him by the end of the year that gave God three months
Robin | Yeah I love that. See there's a timeline too. A lot of specifics here.
Danielle | Yes. We're gonna do this by the end of the year, and make him local. And you know because I really thought I was going to be with this like baller guy who owned seven companies in LA or New York. And so I got back online because you know, I was smart at that point. No one was knocking on my door. So I just reactivated one dating app and the next invitation was the love of my life.
Robin | Oh wow. This is the story we had to hear Danielle. There are a lot of nuggets in that. That's beautiful. Thank you. I know we were only going to take we're past time, but I see your book behind you. I recognize is that your new book behind you? Oh, is that in print? Oh my gosh. Okay, because we can't, I ordered it, but I'm not getting it till October. But of course, you have copies!
Danielle | Oh I'll send you a galley, you're on the galley list.
Robin | Oh, Look at how beautiful. Tell us about your book before we go.
Danielle | How To Be Loving when as your heart is breaking open and the world is waking up. And it is about deep self acceptance. You go so deep with acceptance that you've got room for everybody else. It's about virtues. And really, I mean, this is the nugget of teaching that love is not a feeling or an emotion. Love is a state of consciousness. And we have to, like clear out some debris, some illusions, in order to like really embody love. So the question of my life used to be how do you want to feel? And now the question is, what do you want to embody?
Robin | What do you want to embody? Because it is in our bodies, it's our wisdom in our bodies is, this is why we're here, right? We are here spiritual beings having a human experience in these bodies, period. I love that. What you want to embody. That is, that's so beautiful. Well, you are. You are the embodiment of beauty. And I was so happy that you decided to join us today, Danielle. And I always do whenever we talk. So I'm just gonna pull a card of yours and then we'll say goodbye.
Danielle | Okay.
Robin | I love these cards and these ones are in the living room. So my daughters and I will walk by and like pick a card for a day.
Danielle | Hopefully, they don't get all the profanity ones.
Robin | Pleasure is power. Oh, yeah, there are there is some profanity, but my daughters are you used to it. [both laugh] Life is full of profanity, come on. I love it how you called me a hoser. No, you call me a loser. Okay. I'm
Oh, look, this is good.
Danielle | Is it? What is it?
Robin | Pressure creates diamonds. Oh, I love that.
Okay. Well, thank you, my darling friend. And I'm just so grateful for our time and I look, we're going to share everything in our show notes with your new book, and everything we've talked about. And God bless you always.
Danielle | Oh, God bless you always. So happy for our friendship. Let's do this again.
Robin | We will.
Robin | Please visit realloveready.com to become a member of our community. Submit your relationship questions for our podcast experts. At reallovereadypodcast@gmail.com We read everything you send. Be sure to rate and review this podcast. Your feedback helps us get you the relationship advice and guidance you need. The Real Love Ready Podcast is recorded and edited by Maia Anstey. Transcriptions by otter.ai and edited by Maia Anstey. We at Real Love Ready, acknowledge and express gratitude for the Coast Salish people, the stewards of the land on which we work and play, and encourage everyone listening to take a moment to acknowledge and express gratitude for those that have stewarded and continue to steward the land that you live on as well.
Transcription by https://otter.ai & edited by Maia Anstey