Let’s Talk Love Podcast Season 4 Episode 6 with Kelsey Grant | Transcript
29.06.23
This transcript is from the Let’s Talk Love Podcast, available in our Podcast Feed.
Robin Ducharme | Welcome to Let's Talk Love. Today I had the pleasure of speaking with Kelsey Grant. Kelsey is a love mentor, and host of the Embodied Love podcast. Kelsey is also an extremely talented songwriter that teaches and sings about the art of embodied love and relational mastery. Today we talk about how to live an embodied life. What does that mean? And how do we do this? By living embodied, we are able to relate with our whole selves. Kelsey, and I talk about dating intentionally, and the importance of slowing down, being discerning and breaking fantasy relationship patterns. She also gives us powerful tools for self care before dating at the end of our conversation, so stay tuned. I hope our talk today offers you ways to improve your way of being in the world and in greater service to others. Enjoy. Welcome to Let's Talk Love the podcast that brings you real talk, fresh ideas, and expert insights every week. Our guests are the most trusted voices in love and relationships. And they're here for you with tools, information, and friendly advice to help you expand the ways you love, relate and communicate. We tackle the big questions not shying away from the complex, the messy, the awkward and the joyful parts of relationships. I'm your host, Robin Ducharme. Now, let's talk love.
Hello, our beautiful Real Love Ready community. And welcome to this episode of Let's Talk Love. I'm so excited about this. I've got some we've ever time with a woman that I consider you one of my friends, Kelsey, I know we haven't hung out in person.
I really I really do love you. I feel like you're one of my soul sisters. And so everybody, please welcome Kelsey Grant to Let's Talk Love.
Kelsey Grant | Thank you.
Robin Ducharme | Welcome Kelsey!
Kelsey Grant | Thank you for having me.
Robin Ducharme | It's such an honor and just, I really, I admire the work you're doing, you're speaking truth. And I'm just so excited to talk about everything that you are doing as a change maker, in this world and with your community. You are a love mentor, which I want to learn more about. And your podcast is called the Embodied Love podcast. So this and this is something that we are, I think there's this collective consciousness going on more about becoming embodied, umm the practices around somatic therapy and somatic healing getting into your body, the wisdom of your body, and how important that is, I actually I have to say, I'm not an expert in this at all I'm starting. I'm like, you know, I'm learning more and more about it, I understand the concepts. And now it's like I need to start living it. So I'm excited to talk to you to today.
Kelsey Grant | Thank you, I'm very excited.
Robin | So please, let's start off by talking about how you what it is to be a love mentor, and how you became a love mentor, and how that guides your work.
Kelsey | So 14 years ago is when I started my practice. And I opened my first coaching practice 14 years ago. And it's taken on so many different versions and iterations. Which makes sense because as I'm growing, shifting, evolving and changing, so are the things that I'm teaching, and so are the containers that I am teaching in. So, you know, it didn't start as a love mentor, I just started as a life coach. And then I started to track that every issue that we were kind of up against in any session was relational. Either it was rooted in the relationship to self, or the relationships to other people, or the relationship to the world around you. But either way, like whatever way we sliced and diced, we were dealing with a relational issue. And so that's when I kind of made the pivot into, you know, speaking more to the relationship with self, the relationships with other people and how to have the most harmonious unions you can have while still being fully wholly human. Because a lot of these teachings, you know, are these aspirational things of like, you know, essentially like eradicating our humanity and like becoming these perfect beings that never make mistakes and never fumble and where things don't get ugly, like, that's just not real life, like at least on planet Earth. And my whole philosophy being a love mentor is, you know, how do we weave love through every single cell of your body, how do we weave through love in your behavior towards other people, your behavior towards yourself, so that you can learn to love and be loved really well. And in order to do that you have to be in right relationship with your human. And to be in right relationship with the human means you have to bring the body and the embodiment along for the ride. We can't just like keep going up into our heads and like understanding these things, mentally and intellectually. But then when it comes to practice, we fumble and like we don't get anywhere near the result that we're looking for. Because we're not willing to get dirty and messy and get down in in the muck in the dirt of the actual human practice. And so that is what my whole body of work is about is like getting down into the dirt. And learning how to be wholly human, like being in your full, whole human and having approval for that. And then because you know, you're rooted in yourself, in your human, that makes relating much more honest, I don't want to say that it makes it perfect without its hiccups or challenges, because that's always going to be the case. But it really makes relating more honest, and the relationships that you have, when you were deeply rooted and embodied, are ones that enrich your life and enrich the reason that you are here and help support and move forward the work that you're here to do in the world, the message that you have the unique, you know, thread that you're here to weave into the tapestry of humanity, that it is so much easier to do what you came here to do, when you are not at war with your body, when you are not at war with your human, and you know how to masterfully relate to other humans, and their human body and all of their conditioning. And like, it's, it's a practice, like my work is getting on the mat. And we're gonna get messy, we're gonna practice and the more practice you do, the more masterful you become. And so I mean, that's kind of the Coles notes of where we go together, work.
Robin | And so when you say getting on the mat, are you talking like literally about being like, are you working? One-on-one face-to-face with clients? Is this you must do virtual work as well. And you're talking about being on a yoga mat or like talking about being on are you talking to me?
Kelsey | Me both? Like it's both Okay, the literal mat is practice. Yeah. Now the metaphorical mat, like I teach a practice called Embodied Alchemy, which was something that I designed over the pandemic. And it is this very alchemical embodiment journey that is designed to heat up your system. So like all those places where it's sludgy, or all those places where it's really tight, and like the energy isn't flowing in your system, so you have a block somewhere, we start to slowly heat those up and soften them so that they're more supple, and you can move with them more masterfully. So then it helps to be able to clear what needs to be cleared, open into whatever needs to be opened into allow and receive what is there for you to allow and receive. And we work through different energy signatures, and we work through different archetypes. So it's this really beautiful, curated journey where, you know, it feels quite shamanic in nature, in terms of like, you're going to go through a process, you are going to be taken on a journey, and then we're going to land you after the 45 minutes and you're going to integrate what you've just donated and experienced. And, you know, if I have 25 women in a room, they're all going to have a different experience of that journey. And
Robin | Oh my gosh, I love it.
Kelsey | Something totally different out of it. And, you know, the women who are devoted to the embodiment, alchemical practice, are the ones that see the most powerful results in their lives, in their relationships, because they're cleaning the energetic pipes. They're cleaning the emotional pipes. And if we don't clean those,
Robin | I love that I love that analogy.
Kelsey | It's like you have a drain and it's clogged with all this muck and hair and like soap debris, and you're wondering why your bathtub is flooding. You know, and that's the same in relationships. Like if you have like this area where there's this big block in your relationship and you just keep trying to force it. All you're doing is creating more of a mess in your relationship. If you can clear the pipe, then the energy can flow freely. And we can get to the truth of what actually needs to be addressed instead of our egoic reactions, instead of our egoic interpretations, the assumptions that we're making, like they must have meant this, when they said this, instead of just being like, Yes, you said, this, is this what you meant? When your pipes are clean and clear, you're able to be more direct, you're able to be more connected. And that's kind of the magic duo there is being able to be direct, but also connected. So you can be direct and be really harsh. And that's, you know, they're disconnected from their heart. And that's going to cause relational follow up. So we have to have that connection, and the directness to kind of make any sort of progress.
Robin | Yeah, so you're Embodied Alchemy is relational alchemy, the same thing? Kelsey, it's, well, it's relational Alchemy?
Kelsey | Yeah, the relational alchemy is like the overarching kind of energetic of what we get up to. So we're up to relational mastery is in my work. And so we're either going to be working on the emotional alchemy side of things, or we're working on, you know, the body and the energetics, which is the embodied alchemy piece. And then we have the relational alchemy, which are the skills like the actual relational skills that you need to have in your tool belt, in your toolbox in order to effectively relate not just romantically, but just relate in the world.
Robin | Yes
Kelsey | So we take a multi-pronged approach with my work. Because it's not just the emotional world, it's not just the embodiment and the spiritual connection, it's not just the relational skills, it's the combination of those three worlds together, that create this beautiful environment, for not only you to thrive in, but anyone that you are in relationship with. And then it allows like, these beautiful miracles and you know, spontaneous eruptions of, you know, the truth of the work that you're supposed to do in the world, your purpose, you know, what you're here to give to the world can really blossom in that environment. So that's why we,
Robin | I really love how that is such a big focus in your work, it's not about just, you know, figuring out how to meet your next partner. And when that happens, you know, life's gonna be so much better, right? It's so much more about your, our individual paths, as well as the collective, and figuring out how we can make the greatest impact in our own little corner of the world. I really think that's so important. It doesn't have to be this big thing. I mean, it's just I think we can all make such a big change for the better in people's lives. So you've got four ways that you four, I guess, would you call them tenants, that you're actually helping people focus on within themselves? And I wanted to ask about those. Because I listen to your podcast and following you. And you say, there's four, there's love, truth, magic, and feminine. So how do you break those down? And like, and how would you describe those? So tell me about those four things. And yeah, they are part of the relational alchemy. Okay, so
Kelsey | Those are the energies that my life is in service to. So everything that I do, okay is in service to those energetics. And so everything that I create in my programs is in service to love. It's in service to magic, it's in service to union, it's in service to the feminine. And when I say the feminine, it's more like the balancing of these two internal aspects because we live in a very busy, chaotic, masculine, energetic driven world. And this particular world that we exist in, in North America doesn't really have the same degree of approval for the feminine energetic, which would be the internal, the mystery, the mess, slowing down. Rest, like all of these energetics are kind of the feminine side of things. And the masculine is the forward movement, the initiation, the you know, logical linear movement forward. And that is important. We need those aspects, but we also need the feminine aspects so that we stay balanced. And if we aren't balanced internally, then that can create a lot of problems out in the world like we see the impact of being so imbalanced, with the masculine and feminine principles just in what's happening in the world. Like, there's total chaos. You know, because we have this, this drive of like, we have to keep producing, we have to keep creating, and at the cost of other people, the cost of other people's humanity, we need to get ahead, we need to be the best we need to, you know, be the number one person in the whole universe. And then we forget about the collective and the feminine is that more collective, connected, energetic, but also gives us permission to be messy, to not have it figured out to sit in the unknown, like, so many people have such an aversion to sitting in the unknown, they need to know, like, I need to know the next step, that's
Robin | For sure. Maybe you don't know the answer. It's like, what am I gonna do? What am I gonna do ruminating? If you don't know what to do, do nothing. But a lot of us have a hard time with that. Totally. Right, you gotta make a decision, just don't make one right now. Absolutely. And that's so it's hard to do that place, but it's so nice discomfort,
Kelsey | Sit in it, move with it. And in my body of work, like we weave that mystery in. So it's more like the, the feminine energetic is playing with the mystery. And so when you come into one of my containers, we pace it in a very different way. It's not like a program, or here's your start date, here's your end date, you come in, and you learn how to move at your truest pace. So you move through the modules, according to your own inner compass. And when you actually get the lesson and it is fully landed in your system, that's when you move to the next module. And so everybody has a different experience in the container, because they're all in different spots. And someone might spend six months on one module before it really unwinds in their system and really lands. And then another person might go through that module in a month. And who am I to tell you how fast or slow is true for you to go, right? And because we aren't really given that permission out in the world, but we also it hasn't been modeled in the world of how to find your own pace. Like when you live in a very high paced world, you have to override your true pace, all the time just to survive. And so this is a coming, it's like a homecoming. To get back into right relationship with your body, you have to be able to move at the pace that's true for you, at least in one area of your life. To play with that, so I just I weave those energetics in the magic is, you know, the piece of, you know, when you start to see things like when you break your fantasy spells, and we do a lot of fantasy work in my work, because you can't have powerful relationships if you're not in reality. And so much of relating.
Robin | Wow, that's a really important one. That's a really important one, because I do want to talk about dating Kelsey.
Kelsey | Yeah.
Robin | So that like breaking the fantasy spells? Can you give us an example of some of those that you would want to break up? You know, I think just the fairy tales of, you know, you're going to meet your partner, and
Kelsey | Saviour.
Robin | Yeah.
Kelsey | And I think that's the biggest one is like when I find love, my life will be perfect. And I will never have to experience pain again. So they're going to come in and save me from myself. And then when you get into a relationship, there's a rude awakening, because that does not happen. Even in the most aligned relationships, that is not your partner's job. It is not their job to save you. Because if you're expecting them to save you, we're playing out this parent child thing. We're not actually relating as partners. We're not relating as two embodied adults. And only two embodied adults can co-create a truly magnificent relationship, that's in service to love that's in service to truth that's in service to whatever it is that those two people are in service to with their union. And in order to even get into that domain, we have to be willing to get so sober about our fantasy pattern. Because this is the one spot where even like with dating, you pick a partner if you're picking a partner based on your type. You're picking a partner based on fantasy patterns because your type is basically these certain attributes that you've attributed that you think will help get you a certain feeling or a certain experience. And picking a partner that way, well, you'll learn that that's not an effective strategy. You know, because it doesn't like just because someone has a certain color hair, or certain color eyes, or a certain body type does not mean anything about their relational capabilities. And their ability to actually dance in that emotional world with you dance in that relational world with you, it tells you nothing about their ability to deal with conflict, and how to repair after conflict, it tells you nothing. And, you know, if you want to pick a partner based on their bank account, or their social status, or how their face and body looks, then you can do that. But it's, that's a whole different world of relating, and the relating that I teach. And, you know, and everyone has their path here. And if that's what you're here to experience this time, like, cool, like, live your life, have the best time. And if you're here
Robin | If that's not the work.So so tell me if you are, you know, I imagine most of your clients that you're working with your community are looking for a love filled, soulful relationship, but they're likely going at it the wrong way, and ending up with the same result. So how are you and I understand, you know, debunking, and just releasing these fantasy patterns and these fantasy beliefs, I think that's very, very important. So that's, that's, that's definitely very integral. So what about what other things, are you helping clients realize when they are in the dating world? When they're showing up, like, how are you priming them to show up in the right way to be like, okay, in your power? And I'm here, because, you know, the way I see it, it's like, I think we are so you teach this too, right? It's like, we're looking outwards, or looking for that person to show up and be like, like me? And how am I and how are they perceiving me, and it's so much about the other person than it is about you going in with like, a very different energy of like, I'm here to discern if you might be a good if you're a good fit for me.
Kelsey | 100 percent
Robin | Comes completely different, you have to flip the script, flip the whole narrative, right?
Kelsey | The full narrative, and that's a huge part, like I have an embodied dating path that I teach. And so the first tenant of that is, are you in your body? When you are dating? Because most people are,
Robin | So how do you make sure of that? How do you, how are we going to make sure they're in their body when they're dating?
Kelsey | Yeah, so we practice in other areas of our life, like, it's like if you want to be a chef, but you never go into the kitchen to practice. And then you throw yourself into a competition, where it's like, like America's next best chef, or Canada's best next chef, and then you've you've never even held a knife before. And you don't know what any of the tools are, you don't know how to turn on the stove. Like you don't know how to turn use a Vitamix, like, you're not going to do well, in that competition. And so in order to really nail that competition, you would need to be practicing cooking and your cooking skills, your chopping skills, your recipe building skills, learning from other people, you'd have to be doing that in your day to day. And the same is true when we go into dating, like dating is like that high stakes, you know, competition. And if we haven't been practicing our embodiment, prior to the high stakes moment, you're going to pop out of your body, you will not have trained your body and your nervous system to stay regulated. So that's why we'll
Robin | See what does it mean to pop out of your body. So I really need to understand this to exactly as you're practicing and see what I'm popping out.
Kelsey | So popping out of the body is like when you're literally living from the neck up and you're super busy in your mind. Like you're overthinking everything you're over like that external orientation you were talking about. That's where we're at. If we're in that external orientation, we are in our head. And chances are you can't feel your feet. Chances are if I asked you like what's going on in your gut right now, you'd be like, Oh, well, because when we're in our head, like we aren't actually landed in the body, but if I'm landed in my body, I can feel the ground beneath my feet. I can feel like the couch beneath my legs and my butt and my back. Like I can feel that I can feel what's happening in my belly as I'm sitting here and I can feel my core muscles holding me up. I can feel like the expansion in my chest. So I can feel the heat on my face because it's a hot day and it's getting hotter in my apartment like I can feel all of those things while still being here with you. And that is that is a practice, like, it's not something that, you know, it's just gonna you turn on the light switch, and then it's just magically there for you. We just have to practice this throughout the day. So if you want to be more embodied in your dating practice, just practice being more present in your life. And when you walk through the street like are you really present to how your feet feel in your shoes? As you're walking, as you're listening to your podcast, as you're seeing, like the sun and the birds and the flowers, that can you be present and available to it all. And it's much easier to stay in your body when you have cleaned the energetic pipes. So the women in my containers, I suggest that they do an alchemical embodiment journey once a week, because that will help clear the pipes and it helps them stay landed. You know, and then the ones that don't, you can see like they're like, like, come to column there. So like my like, Okay, you haven't you haven't landed in your body? Like, can you take a breath? And like, just feel the ground beneath your feet? Can we get still for a second? You know?
Robin | How? Yes, that's so valuable. So tell me about experiences that you've had, or that you can relay from some of your clients you've worked with? How the difference would be showing up dating, there not embodied, versus your embodied? And does that, you know, because I imagine like what I think about when you say that is like your gut. You could sit down with somebody, everything's appearing great. But there's something in you inside of you that it's going uhuh. This doesn't feel right. Right, right. Like appearances are one thing. And then it's how you are actually, if you're very aware and clear, you're like you can you can tell a lot from how your body is feeling about that person.
Kelsey | 100%. And so when we're disembodied, we can't feel that signal, or we gaslight ourselves about that signal, like, oh, that doesn't mean anything. That's nothing like I had some weird fish for lunch, that must be it. Instead of like, Wait, this might be a signal of misalignment here. And just because you're misaligned doesn't mean that person is bad, or that they did something bad or they did something wrong. And like that's where we have to kind of mature our position on relationships and mature emotionally, to be able to understand that just because someone is not for you and not aligned for you, doesn't make them a bad human. It just means that they're not for you, and you're not for them. So let's not force something that isn't true. But in order to find that thread of truth, you've got to be listening to the signals of your body. And, you know, when you go in from a more embodied place, and you mentioned this earlier, you know, we're dating from the position of I'm sussing them out just as much as they're sussing me out. I'm going in to see like, do I like this person enough? To see them again? Do I like them enough to co create a relationship with them down the line? Like, if they were to change nothing, about who they are today, would that, that that'd be great for me? Or do I need them?
Robin | That is if a person that's right, which
Kelsey | Is the fantasy pattern, right? And so yeah, to be embodied just means that you're dating in reality.
Robin | You're not dating, you're dating and you aren't? You're taking that person at face value? Yeah, I think that was just because we, yes,
Kelsey | You know, and yeah, and people who want to like fast track it. I call this the Ferrari pacing, where it's like pedal to the metal, like, let's get to the destination, which is the relationship. So they like fast track everything. And they're missing this very crucial vetting phase, where you're actually seeing if the person is aligned, and then you race to the relationship, and then you kind of like, you like, let the truth of yourself like emerge. And then the other person is like, uh, what is this? Or maybe they do that to you? And they, they like, take off the mask and you're like,
Robin | Right, see that? Well, because you didn't take the time. Right? What do you coach people on when it comes to timing because I fully agree with this and I think it's the smartest, most safest way, if you are looking for a long term partnership, then you need to be taking a heck of a lot of time. What is the hurry it is that's very conditional for so many of us is like, rushing. But how important it is to get to know somebody and how long that takes.
Kelsey | Yeah, and for everyone, it'll be different. You know, like I was saying, in my containers, everyone kind of finds their true pace. And if you found your true pace, you're going to be able to true pace it in the dating phase, there won't be a rush, because you're like, Oh, I understand, like, I have reverence for my relationships. And I understand what a significant choice a partner is, because they are literally going to influence all areas of my life. And if I do not choose, well, that could be a dumpster fire for me. So I'm bringing reverence to this process, meaning I'm going to make sure that I go slow enough that I can experience this person fully, and know that it actually is an aligned match for me, and for them to go as slow as they need to go to know that I'm aligned for them. Because I do not want to end up in a relationship with someone who's mismatched for me, and then my work in the world suffers. Like that has been a pattern of mine, where I choose men, you know, and I got better, you know, in the last 10 years of going slower. But there was still a lot of those fantasy patterns running of like, Ooh, I could like mold and shape him into the person that I want him to be, I could see his potential. And I just wanted to like speak, and breathe life into it. So I would extract my own life force to serve his. And then when he got like, all full and like fully exalted, he'd be like, oh, yeah, I got what I need from you bye, and then off to the next relationship, he goes, and then I'm, like, crushed, you're,
Robin |Feeling completely drained, because you gave so much
Kelsey | Exactly. Yeah. And it was a disservice to my life's work. Like, when I run that pattern, I can't actually maintain the things that I'm here to do. And I know we talked a lot about my relational work. But I also am a songwriter. And that is always the spots that I keep a pulse on, like, if music goes out the window, they aren't the one for me. Because if I can't remain devoted to music, and that channel of songwriting is not open and flowing, then that person is not in service to my greatest expansion in the world. Therefore, I do not want him as a partner. And so it's taken time to like, really get that distilled down and get that sober. And that embodied in my process, that I'm willing to go slow, I'm willing to like, essentially delay, being in a relationship, to make sure that I'm making the most reverent choice for my soul, the most reverent choice for my human, and really respect the things that I am here to bring and weave into the world. And if I choose a partner who I cannot shine with, they're not my person. And that doesn't make them a bad person. It just means the way that our energies collide, is not in service to the truest thing possible. And that's right, you know, to let them go and to let me go is actually the thing that's in service to love. And like, until we get right with grief, and we get right with endings, and we get right with being alone, we'll always be choosing a partner to try and compensate for, you know, those feelings that we don't want to feel those things that we don't want to experience. And like that's just another fantasy pattern that is just quite common.
Robin | And you do talk about that a lot. And your is your code, the codes of codependency and understanding those, right?
Kelsey | Yeah.
Robin | I think there's so many people that are in relationships that are codependent and they don't really know it. Right. It's like they and so what does it and you know, I also wanted to ask you so that's one thing I did want to talk about is how that shows up. And how you would recognize that this is not you know, you're not this is not an equal partnership. Like there's some codependency going on that's not serving either of you
Kelsey | Think that if you were to just like use this one kind of diagnostic tool, you'd probably be pretty solid. Can you tell the truth with this person? And can you tell them the truth on every like every single layer and level that truth is required?
Robin | Yes
Kelsey | And that means being
Robin | I suppose it's simple. Simple so so I'll gauge
Kelsey | Yeah, and like You asked like, can you be honest and truthful with them? But can you also allow the truest expression of you, In their presence, right? Because I see this so much where, you know, like, friends are like one way with their friend group, right? And they're like the most free and self expressed. And then they find someone that they like, and then they like, turn into like, this contorted version of themselves where they're trying to impress the other person. Like, wears a
Robin | Shurking in or they're being quiet.
Kelsey | Yeah, right. Or at all
Robin | Yeah.
Kelsey | Yeah. Like, like, let's say someone like really loves cracking dirty jokes. But they're like, Ooh, maybe that they won't like that. So then they hide that part of themselves. And then a little piece of their soul starts to die off. I mean, you can get it back. Don't worry, but like, you know, it is yeah, it's like the light goes out and you can like you can turn the light back on. But like, if you have enough of those spots where your lights going out, in order to get them to choose you, we are definitely in codependent land. And the codependent family systems, codependent systems in general, rely on, you know, this energetic of no one's telling the truth. Like in order to help a codependent family system, you have to have a social agreement between everyone that we are just going to dance around the truth. We're never going to touch it.
Robin | Wow. Because if we talked about before, but I think that's absolutely right.
Kelsey | It's gonna crumble this whole thing. And that's too big of a risk. So let's just not, let's just not touch those things. And that's why you see so much stuff swept under the rug. So you see all these dysfunctional patterns of, you know, not being able to be your full self expressed self, you know, where we see control patterns come in, where we see definitely being, you know, like all of it, all of it is interval. Yeah.
Robin | And I also I've also heard you say, which I think is in the same ways, it's a question I love that is like, Okay, can you can there be truth on all levels? And also, does this relationship enhance my life force? That's a really important one that I don't think people are even talking about, or recognizing, like, am I feeling more alive? Because in this relationship, because I could think about that, like, I think about, like, you know, how I feel with my daughters, and I feel like my bestest friends and you know, my closest family, I'm like, you know, you just leave your you keep each other up. It's not like you're drained, at the end of the day, or your time together. That's a really, that's a really important one.
Kelsey | And if you take that same principle into your dating, and you pay attention to how you feel, like if you're really present the whole time, and you're not off in fantasy, but like, you're really landed in reality, how do I actually feel after spending time with this person? How do I feel when I'm spending time with this person? And how do I feel after? And how do I feel in that liminal space between, like, I see them and then there's space and time where I don't see them. And then I see them again, like, what comes up in that liminal space? Because the people who are most aligned for you, it's not going to be like this torturous experience with them . You know, whereas if you're with someone who agitates your wounds, that liminal space will be emotionally torturous. You will be spinning off in your head, like wondering what's happening, and where do they stand. Where do I stand with them? What's going on? Better not about that. But when you're with someone who's like energetically, and emotionally and relationally aligned, there's a level of maturity, to those types of connections, where we're just willing to do the thing that makes sure the connection stays healthy and vibrant. You know, we're not just gohst someone out of nowhere, even if we're not feeling it. We will inform them that that is the case that we will not be available for them anymore. Or, you know, there's just this culture in the connection of assuming positive intent and that's happening on both sides. So when you don't hear from them, you assume that there's a good reason why and you're also just so busy living your life and your life is full, that you know, it's okay because they have a full life too. And that is you know, another thing that kind of plays into the embodied dating but also the codependency is the more you are devoted to creating a life that feels so good for you to live in to be in. And you are connected to why you were put on this planet? Like, what is your purpose? What are you here to weave into humanity? Like, what are you here to Leave humanity with the experience of through your embodied lived experience? And if you are in service, when like, there's no room for drama, that's the thing. Like if you have a full life, and you're up to big things, there's no room for drama, and some of those low level antics that happen in a lot of dating experiences.
Robin | And you know, I think, Kelsey, this is, this is such an important conversation, because I think that there's, I there must be people that are coming to you going like, Okay, I need help with my dating life. And you're like, Okay, let's slow down here. We need to focus on what we you just mentioned, you talked about is the importance of you and what you're, you're here to do, as a human being as a soul, incarnated with a big purpose. And what is that? What is your gift to the world? Why are you here this, this time at this this period of time and in the world? And not just looking for another person? That yes, I understand sharing your life with somebody and how that's such a beautiful, if you're in a good relationship, it's very beautiful to share. But really, the bigger picture here is about you and your path so that you are going to be aligned with the person that you're with to do your work.
Kelsey | Mm hmm. Nailed it.
Robin | But there are a lot of people that don't even have that in their frame of mind. Is that right? And that's so true once a week even. And then they're like, oh, my gosh, that's
Kelsey | Like the women you come into, like the relational mastery path, they are quite connected to that thread. And the people who might come into like, a workshop, and that's their first experience of me, they might not have that same thread active in them yet. But after coming even to a workshop, that threads going to be active. Yeah, you're welcome.
Robin | Because I think we've, I think there's so many of us, you know, whether in our dating life, or maybe they were in relationships, where they're just like, I've lost myself, I don't know my purpose. And you're feeling completely, like, misaligned with who you are and what you're here to do. And you're you've lost your voice, you don't like just like, uhoh, you need to right that. So that you can feel fully whole. And hope, maybe continue on or not, why that relationship, if it's not serving that bigger reason I like and
Kelsey | I would, I would love to see like a revolution in relationships where, you know, these younger generations aren't getting coded as much with that codependency. And so they are kind of dancing in that world of purpose, and they see the value of it. And, you know, you if you have access to a podcast, you have access to the internet, you have access to the world. And, you know, that really does open this whole door of possibility for you, where you can explore, like, what am I here to do? You know, who am I here to be? And like, let me get right with me first, before I weave in someone else. And, you know, I think, you know, it's not that we won't have, you know, missteps along the way, because that's how we learn. But I don't think we're going to have as much like blowing out of the self worth as previous generations, because when you're so coded with codependency, and you're receiving this message that your only value in life is to be in a relationship. And if you're not in a relationship, and God forbid, you're in your 30s, or 40s, or 50s, or 60s or beyond, that you have no worth as a human being, and then that's extra spicy if you've been conditioned as a woman. So there's a lot at stake, right? When you have that conditioning, because you're like, Well, if I don't get this relationship, it must mean that I'm worthless, I'm like
Robin | I'm a failure. Oh, yeah.
Kelsey | But when we take this approach of, of purpose first, then even if the other person doesn't choose us, we don't have that blowout to our self esteem and our self worth. We're like, oh, okay, that person is not for me. And that's okay. Because I have a whole life that's pretty fulfilling and pretty rich.
Robin | Yes. Yeah. And aligning your purpose with somebody that is going to as you said, your is going to be fully like just supporting that support. You're going to be supporting each other and if not,
Kelsey | Yeah, don't choose someone who can't champion you. Like oh, just don't know don't do it.
Robin | Don't. I know, I never gonna change so no. Okay, so be Before we before we end tell tell us about, you know, the other thing I know you're a part of, and I think this is separate from your your work, right? Because you are a part of it's probably all a part of your big work. But you are a part of you've formed a sisterhood, right you have a community of women that are your dear friends that you meet with on a regular basis I do is well, I've got my circle called the soul circle. And we meet every two weeks, like it's in our calendars. And we dedicate that time for each other, for holding space for supporting. It's just a beautiful way for us to reflect to each other and grow together. An amazing container. And I wanted to talk about this because I was telling my family that came to our summit, about our group because my soul circle came to the summit. And, and they said to me, like, these are my sister cousins, and they were like, like, Robin, like, you've got all these women like I'm like, Yes, it's very important to have a sisterhood. It's so important. And I don't think that you can have friends. But um, like, are you really like meeting on a regular basis? And it's like for a purpose around your growth. Right? Tell us and talk to us about that. Oh,
Kelsey | I mean, gosh, we should do a whole other episode on Sisterhood. Because
Robin | I think I think we should I think it's yeah, it's so
Kelsey | Important. And it's a vital nutrient. As a woman, sisterhood is a vital nutrient to you thriving. It's necessary.
Robin | Yes.
Kelsey | Yeah. Like, the relationships you have with men or other people. Those are valuable to and they give you different nutrients. But as a woman, having those connections with other women, they understand you in a way that no one ever, no one else ever can. And that is in a that's a very liberating place to be. And to know that you are held and understood. And there's this richness of connection. I think it's more like for me like a return to an origin spot for me. Like back in the day when the red tent and like sisterhood and you know, priestess temples were a thing. And like, I can feel those threads in my lineage. And when I cultivate sisterhood in the here, and now it feels like I'm returning to the temple. I'm returning to the red tent, I'm returning to my womb, I'm returning to the seat of my power. And I'm with other women who are also on that same journey. And we get to unwind all of this patriarchal nonsense of women being pitted against each other. And like, it still shows up in our community, like, you know, and kind of we have to work with those spots when they come up, because the sisterhood is a working, living embodied practice. You know, like, it's not just like, we put like rose crowns on and frolic and fields like,
Robin | No. Yeah. Oh my gosh, Kelsey. So Okay, before we get this, we've got a little bit of time left, like, a couple minutes for okay. Oh my god. When I heard you talk about this on another podcast. I was like, holy shit. This is such amazing advice. Okay. So you say before you go on a date, even your first date, or even just a date lingo? Some person you're just really getting to know maybe you've never met them before. out important is to masturbate.
Kelsey | Yes. Yeah.
Robin | I have never heard this before. And the way you explain it on why you do it, please. Because it gets you into your body gets you into, like you said, it's like the connection to your heart and connection to your head. It's like bringing it all in the so that you can show up tell it tell us. Yeah. I love this tool. Listen,
Kelsey | My pussy has really made some terrible life choices for me.
Robin | Oh my gosh yes, like so many of us
Kelsey | Because she's starving. She was starving. Right? And so she's like, anything will do. Any Dick will do. No, no, no, no, no, you know, and I'm glad I learned that in my 20s and I sobered up by like the end of my 20s and I learned my lessons there. But there's also this thing when like you're really hungry for something, you will take anything that's on the menu. And so if you feed your body, and also release that energy, like that horny energy, so that you can think clearly, you can feel clearly like your womb and your pussy is on. Like she's connected. But she's not the one driving the mission. Because
Robin | she's having the bus.
Kelsey | Yeah, yeah, she's been fed. You give her a nice feeling before you go out and then she's like, um, do I really need that Dick today? Probably not like let's learn a few more things about him first. You know, as I love him So for me like, it just it helps to clear my energy on just, there's a nice release, there's also an opening that happens in my energy after an orgasm. So then I go in much more landed much more present much more embodied much more open. But I'm also not so hungry for that sexual connection that I prematurely engage with someone before, I'm actually ready to. So this allows me to really go at my true pace, because I'm not reliant on him or her or them to like, give me the nutrient that I'm deficient in. Because I'm tending to all the nutrients that I require. And I'm feeding myself with them. So that when I go out in the relational world, like I can make good choices.
Robin | Oh, my gosh, I just I love that so much. Yeah, so you're so so people can start working with you do they go to like your Instagram is Radical Self Love. And is that where people access the work that you're doing your courses, you're talking about the workshops, and yeah,
Kelsey | Anything that I'm offering, will be in my bio link on Instagram. My path for Relational Mastery is always open. So we have the embodiment classes. So those are eight weeks that you can come and join, it's kind of like an intro to that path, then Reverence is a minimum nine months in the container, and but you go as slow or as you know, long as you need to go. And then Initiated is the upper level path. So if you've done some relational work, and you've done some embodiment work, you've cleaned the emotional pipes, you might actually be able to go into initiated, which is a two, a two year journey, where we go into all have these threads of the foundations for relational mastery. So practices. So we've taken the relational skills, the embodiment, the emotional, and the spiritual. And we really work those through for two years. And then the second part of Initiated is all about embodied boundaries and connecting to true desire, which is the thing that you are here to weave into the world. So we really land it in that container of like, what is it that you're here to do, and we clean out the system so that you can powerfully go and create whatever it is that you want to create in your world. And reverence is all about the emotional clearing. So we get in right relationship with our emotions, so that we can feel our grief, we can feel our rage, we can feel our happiness. We can masturbate before a date, because we're in great relationship with our sexual energy, and our sexual excitement. And so there's that that path is always open. And then the embodied dating path. I do workshops, every couple of months. In there, there's a mastermind that people can join. And then this summer, I'm doing a self love summer camp. And I'm
Robin | Oh, wow,
Kelsey | About that. Very stoked. It just came through the other day. So this is like news to me.
Robin | Yes, I Oh, I just get these downloads and you're like, Alright, here we go, Hey,you're doing it?
Kelsey | Yeah, it's just I was just gonna say it's really funny that like, I teach all this stuff on relationships. And my handle is radical self love. And I haven't taught a class on self love in a very long time. And so that's why that one came through is like, summertime is great. Like, let's like weave in that self love in the summer, when we're already in like a nice, positive, open available vibe, and energetic, like, let's just leave some more of that self love. So I'm going to bring in my my methodology there that I've used on myself for the last 15 years and, you know, teaching theatre.
Robin | Well, I am going to close our time with the blessing as we do with the podcast. And so may we come back into our bodies, and live and relate from an embodied state. May we lean into relationships that support our life force. And as you say, the path of embodiment is always waiting to welcome you home. I'm just so grateful for everything you're doing, Kelsey, and I love your songwriting. You're just so incredibly gifted, thank you for your time today.
Robin | Please visit realloveready.com To become a member of our community. Submit your relationship questions for our podcast experts. At reallovereadypodcast@gmail.com. We read everything you sent. Be sure to rate and review this podcast. Your feedback helps us get you the relationship advice and guidance you need. The Real Love podcast is recorded and edited by Maia Anstey. Transcriptions by otter.ai and edited by Maia Anstey. We at Real Love Ready, acknowledge and express gratitude for the Coast Salish people, and stewards of the land on which we work in play, and encourage everyone listening. Take a moment to acknowledge and express gratitude for those that have stewarded and continue to steward the land that you live on as well.
Transcription by https://otter.ai & edited by Maia Anstey