Let’s Talk Love Podcast Season 7 Episode 5 with Kristin Sokol | Transcript

27.06.24

This transcript is from the Let’s Talk Love Podcast, available in our Podcast Feed.

Robin Ducharme | Hello and welcome to Let's Talk Love. I'm Robin Ducharme and I am joined today by my friend, the beautiful dating coach Relationship Coach Kristin Sokol, Kristin.

Kristin Sokol | Oh my gosh, it's so great to be here. I've been counting down the sleeps until we got to hang out. I've missed you.

Robin Ducharme | I love that, Kris. You know what, I count seeps. I do that all the time with my kids and with my boyfriend of like, how many sleeps till we get to see each other? Yeah, it's such a fun thing to do.

Kristin Sokol | And that's what matters. The nights get long. It really does.

Robin Ducharme | It really does. And so you and I met in, was it May? It was.

Kristin Sokol |It was October,

Robin Ducharme | October. What am I talking about? We were in California with our our friend Rachel Greenwald, who is absolutely one of the I love her. She has been my mentor since 2012.

Kristin Sokol | Same

Robin | And Rachel is one of the top matchmakers in the world. And she hosted the love MBA, because she has an MBA from Harvard Business School. And she has created this program that she had been running well since 2010, I think was her first class. So that's a long time and she brought together love professionals, like yourself in dating coaches matchmakers. I was Maya and I from our team were there as kind of like little birds, you know, like, we were like, we wanted to watch and see what was going on and be observers, but also just like, learn what was going on in the industry. And see how matchmakers and dating coaches were helping people find love. And you and I sat next to each other.

Kristin | Yes, we did.

Robin | Which was meant to be. Right away recognize your name, because one of my best friends in the whole world is named Kristen. And I was like, There's not many Kristen's in the world, right?

Kristin | No, for a common name. It's like one of the more unique common names.

Robin | I don't know if it's that common, maybe our age group, but not anymore. But yes, it's a beautiful name. And your's is with an I.

Kristin | Yeah with the I Yep. That's the unique part.

Robin | And then the other thing I wanted to share with you, with our audience is the fact that you are just so loving and caring and genuine and generous. And you were making these bracelets for all of the attendees. And people got to choose their, their beautiful bracelets that Kristin made. So I'm wearing my bracelets today. And they're all about love. And this one says, this one says happy love. And yeah, so I think about you and just your generosity and kindness and fun. And I'm just so happy you're here with us today.

Kristin | Oh my gosh. Well, that makes me feel so good. I thought you were gonna bring up the fact that I was the one who had a big bag of sour patch watermelon so that we were snacking on like, lots

Robin | Lots of candy. Because did you supply the candy and the bracelets. So it's all good. Keep us going on the sugar.

Kristin | I do love a sweet treat.

Robin | Yeah absolutely. Okay, so Kristen, tell us about yourself. I know that when people Google you, so your name is spelled Kristin and your last name is Sokol.

Kristin | That's right.

Robin | And what comes up Is you are a relationship development coach.

Kristin | That's right.

Robin | I like that. That is good.

Kristin | Yes.

Robin | So I would love to hear more about your business and your how you what what you do day to day to help people with their with their love lives.

Kristin | Okay well I would love to take you on this little journey. So, you know, I actually started my career as a newspaper reporter. So I never actually, you know, set out to be are meant to be any kind of relationship or dating coach, but I'm sure glad that's how it turned out. So, you know, early on in my career, I was following or I was reporting on a government beat for our local paper, and doing some other you know, ad hoc work for all for print news media, and really happy with what I was doing. I was in my late 20s, at that point, not married. And I, most of my friends at that point, were all either married or getting married, and I had one single friend left and she creates she met a guy online on Yahoo singles. This was back in the year 2003. So that's 100 years ago now. But she created you know, not wanting to leave me behind created an online dating profile for me against my will while I was literally crying about it on her couch. And she was an aspiring professional photographer at that time. So that meant that she had a this amazing invention called a digital camera. So not only did she create this profile for me, but she also added photos and that was the new element at the time to have like actually digital photos. So I was mortified. And then three weeks later, I met the guy who has been my husband now for the last 20 years nearly. And I didn't realize at the time that that profile was going to not only change my personal life, but my love life too, or my professional life too. You know, I had very to that point, I had had very little dating experience in my own life, I was in my late 20s, I had never really had a long term relationship or a boyfriend for more than a couple of weeks at a time. And I was feeling pretty, you know, desperate about it. And just like I had a lot of friends, I was good at, you know, socializing and connection and an extroverted, but for some reason for me that was not translating into romantic relationships, like it was for all of my other friends. So after I got married, and I'm in this safe and secure relationship, I really started thinking about like, what, what is the piece that I was missing all those years? Why was this so hard for me, and it's intuitive for other people. And shortly after I was married a year or two, a friend of mine that I had grown up with, had gotten divorced. And she came to me and said, Kristin, you met this great guy online. And you're such a good writer. And you have to do all this, like writing for an online dating profile. And I can't put two sentences together. So could you help me? Could you help me like put a piece together, and I was chomping at the bit, I was so excited to like, use my writing skills to like, pull together a story that I thought would help her attract the type of guy that she would really be interested in. And lo and behold, you know, weeks after we had launched this profile, and the things that went with it, she started, she found a really great guy who treated her amazingly, they dated and fell in love and got married. And I started bragging about what I had done. Because I was so proud of them. I was happy in my own marriage, and so happy for her. And then she referred another friend to me, and I repeated that process. And she found somebody and got married too. And more people would just ask me for like, oh, can you help my brother? Or can you help my sister in law or, you know, other friends would come out of the woodwork. And over about five years time, I really started to transition my professional time from following this government beat in reporting for the paper to being some kind of quasi dating coach, you know, limited in this space to, to online dating. But then one of my clients who I had been working with I ended up meeting a gal through a profile that I had created for him, and his girlfriend who became his wife worked for a matchmaking firm. And that was like, mind boggling. I had no idea that this was a real thing, you know, outside the Hallmark Channel, or, you know, maybe New York City. So long story short, I ended up working there for several years, lots of hours, and I gained a whole wealth of insight about not only just limited to the online dating, which was my expertise, but I got to see the whole matchmaking process and world. My boss who was very, the founder of the matchmaking company was very what's the word not aggressive, but excited about bringing in experts and trading us and giving us all the latest information. And she's the one that introduced me to Rachel Greenwald. And I believe I was in one of the founding classes of her love MBA way back when I can't remember what year it was, but it was quite a while ago now. So I met Rachel then and my eyes were open. And I knew I had found my calling. But I also knew that I didn't have any education, like specific education in, in coaching, right and no credentials. And so I had a bachelor's degree, but I found a graduate program at the University of Texas in Dallas, where one half of that graduate program was getting a ICF executive coach training certificate. So I did that program, made some amazing contacts. And since then, I have been in my office here and the love den, just coaching people. And you know, since my, you know, where I started was, you know, limited relationship experience. You know, I haven't intentionally tried to attract this, but most of my clients have limited experience in romantic relationships. They're very successful in their professional life. They're gregarious people, they're healthy, they're well, but for some reason, like me, their skills, never translated for them into helping them find and secure romantic relationships. And so, you know, through my association with you know, that the university and the coaching program, plus Rachel Greenwald, and you know about the global love Institute. They bring together a lot of experts and mentors and I have really been able to kind of fill my own knowledge gap about how romantic relationships are supposed to develop right from beginning to marriage like what is the process that they typically follow. And then if we can break it down and help clients fill their own knowledge gaps, then you know, they don't need a matchmaker, they they do better in those situations and are able to then convert, you know, casual friendships and relationships into romantic ones when the opportunity presents itself. So that's a little bit about what I do. I work with between, you know, five and eight clients a day. Most of my clients, I would say, are women, but maybe like 70-30 60-40, depending on the time of year and things like that most of my clients are between the ages of 30 and 50. But that being said, my youngest client is 22. And my oldest is 76. So there is a range, but that seems to be what I generally attract. And I coach virtually, almost exclusively, virtually all over the all over the country. Yeah.

Robin | So we have such a similar, a little bit of a similar story around how we both got into the love industry. Because when, when my best friend, one of my best friends, Kirsten, so I've got nine best friends that I grew up with the 10 of Bonahan. And Kirsten moved, was moving from Victoria, sorry, from Vancouver to Victoria where I live. And she was single and wanting to she wanted to get married, have kids. And it just wasn't happening for her. She had been doing a lot of dating, and it just wasn't clicking. And I said, you know what, and I was working as a realtor for the at the time. And I said, I can help you like I sincerely want to, and we're gonna have fun with this. So I got on the phone, I asked everybody I knew, you know, and every every place I went, I'd be asking, like acquaintances, or, you know, just like random people like, who do you know that single that might be a good fit. And I would describe Kirsten to a T, you know, as much as I know and love her very much.

Kristin | You little match maker.

Robin | Yeah. And then I was setting up dates. And by the time she moved here, I had 10 Men lined up ready to go. And I set the dates up, did the feedback.

Kristin | Oh, your good.

Robin | So it started out coming from a place of care and love for her and turned into a career. So it's kind of it's kind of similar.

Kristin | Yes. Yes.

Robin | Kristin, I want to ask you this question. Because you said while you were describing your your story, you identified in yourself what you thought was holding you back, like, well, before you met your husband, I know you said you were you know, you were engulfed in your career and successful in many other places in your life. You know, you're very outgoing. You've got great friendships community. So what did you realize in yourself that you were the gap was that you've just been able to translate to your clients?

Kristin | You know, that's a really interesting question. And it kind of connects back to my past. So I am the youngest child, in my family, I have five big brothers, no sisters. So I grew up with a lot of boys and kind of a rough and tumble, you know, really casual place. And their friends were always in and around and through. And it was a very, you know, friendly, like fist bump, you know, shoulder bump zone. And I think that I was treating, like, I just had some, like thought thinking errors or conclusion errors as I was engaging in new new opportunities to connect with people that I was romantically interested in. But my signals certainly weren't communicating that to them. Right, I was inadvertently placing them in a friend zone. So that was one of my issues.

Robin | They were they were perceiving that Khris, right?

Kristin | Yes. Yes.

Robin | They're seeing you like oh, she's my buddy. She's not putting you're not putting out like the feminine, like, I'm attracted to you like those kinds of receiving more like, hey, bud right treating them like a friend, yeah okay I get that.

Kristin | And yes, let's do those things. So yeah, it was it. I think that was a real error. And so they weren't seeing me in that kind of romantic light, or, you know, people are afraid I was afraid to we're all afraid of rejection. And so, you know, there was like, an issue with the vulnerability piece there, too, of, like, what if I did step forward? And what if I was flirty? And what if I was, you know, expressed some interest and they and they shut me down? You know, I just, I don't know if my heart can handle that. Right. And you can do that for years or decades at a time. But if you want to find secure real love, there is risk involved. Right? And, and we have to take some of those swings. You know, this week, I've been talking with my clients a lot. And this this metaphor keeps coming up of, of a baseball metaphor, where, you know, we all hope to step up to the to home plate and swing the bat and hit a home run. Right? And so we are often waiting for the perfect scenario and the perfect pitch before we're willing to swing. Right? But if you if you don't get any batting practice, right if you don't ever have any experience swinging that bat II Even when the perfect situation comes along, you might not be experienced enough to really hit it out of the park.

Robin | I really like that analogy.

Kristin | So I totally see that that was my issue for sure is I just wasn't ever, you know, making didn't have enough experience making some of those taking some of those risks and making those advances to really know how to put it together.

Robin | Right. Okay. So with your, with your clients, you are using all of your coaching experience. And I really liked this. But first, I want to say that I was working as a matchmaker and love coach. And the matchmaking piece for me wasn't where my strong suit was.

Kristin | Same.

Robin | It was saying the coaching, it was in the coaching, because what I was realizing there was the dynamic there, right? I mean, I'm not speaking can work for for people. Okay. We do know that from industry. Yeah. And I think coaching, first of all, it's just, I think, more approachable for the majority. Yeah.

Kristin | And affordable.

Robin | And also, yeah, yes, affordable. And what I really realized in my own experience was that I loved empowering people giving them the tools, and then I'm right beside you, I'm your ally. And we could do this together, rather than the matchmaking model, which it does. There's like this, this like idea, like, okay, I'm gonna pay you a whole bunch of money. And you do it for me. Yeah, it's like the onus is on the matchmaker, it's like, na, na. Yes, I know that the industry is changing, and we're changing that dynamic. But the coaching, I love that about, okay, so you have a three fold approach. And I really would love for you to go through this, because it's pretty powerful stuff, what you are, how you're how you're going about it with your clients?

Kristin | Yes. So you know, when I take a new client, typically, I take that client for about 10 sessions. So this is not an indefinite, you know, relationship where we have to be working together until the day that you get engaged. Although, you know, I do have some clients that want more than 10 sessions, I don't fire anybody. But over those 10 sessions, right, when I take a new client, we're going to cover three different phases, right? Because this is this is a holistic process, that isn't any one thing. It's like, you know, we need to rise this tide, like across the board in a holistic way, and then we're gonna find our success. That's what I found to be true. So my threefold approach is to take a client through these three phases, where first we're going to address desire for the future, what is it that you even want? You know, we're typically crystal clear on what we're afraid of, or what we've been disappointed by, or, or, you know, just all these negative things that we don't want crystal clear. Right? But like, as we think about ourselves, you know, growing old into the future, we are less clear on what we hope is there for us, like on a really granular level, you know, what do we want? So that is one of the most powerful things that I do preliminarily, with a client is help them decide on a granular level, what their life would look like if they had what they wanted. Right. And that really causes them to pause. And think, and I am always stunned that you I would say not everybody, but I would about 95% Say I have never thought about this before I have never, it didn't feel practical, like like it was we're safe. So I've I've never articulated this.

Robin | So Kristin, what are questions that you would ask? And even for the audience members listening? How do I how does somebody identify on a granular level what they desire in a partnership or relationship?

Kristin | Yeah, that's a really good question. So what I would tell you are what I take my clients through, you know, just a piece of it, a small piece of it is I have them picture themselves 10 years into the future, right? First, think about your age in 10 years, even thinking like that, like, oh my gosh, someday I'm gonna be 56. Like, that's, I just noticed.

Robin | I'm 46 too

Kristin | Yeah. And, and like, let's talk about like, a Saturday morning, what's Saturday going to be like for you? When you're 56? Who's living in your house? What's the day's agenda? What does it hold? And, you know, take me through this. What's your relationship like with your, with your partner, your spouse? Or are you married, right? And what not what happens in the evening? Right? So they think through those things, and articulated desire, it also builds a motivation, right? And that is like, oh, like, oh, I really want this like, and like, hay time is of the essence. If I want my life to look like this in 10 years, like, let me think back on, what do I have to start doing now? Because of this, this future that I'm thinking through takes time to build and to develop into, you know, to, you know, enduringly exist.

Robin | Right?

Kristin | Yeah.

Robin | Okay. So that's so that's, so that's phase one.

Kristin | Yeah, that's the desire piece. And as soon as we start tinkering with desire and thinking about things that are not had but are wanted our brain start getting like activated and like, oh, what if you get, don't get this, you're going to be so disappointed you better not think about this, right? You better not try, let's keep everything status quo. Because the status quo of your life is safe and predictable, even if it's not what you want it still safe and predictable. And so our brains and our bodies really want to hold on to that because of our survival instincts. So the partner to really ramping up desire is understanding how to manage the mindset, while you're allowing yourself to move into a growth zone. Right? That's a big piece. Because if you're not prepared for the objections that your mind is going to give you as you're trying to grow, and put yourself out there in a romantic way. You're you're not going to be successful at at really allowing that growth, enough time to really make those changes over the long term. Does that make sense? So that's what we do in the fate first phase is all about desire and managing the mindset of being in a growth zone. It's a big deal. The second phase that I do want me to take you through that. Okay, for the second phase is the is this a fun, like really exciting stuff and stuff, I'm so delighted that I know, wish I knew, you know, 30 years ago would have changed everything, but glad I know now, it's the science and the research behind how romantic relationships develop. Right? There are phases that, that a romantic relationship will unfold through. And knowing where you are in those phases, helps you stay in your lane, right? And be able to orient yourself because it's really easy as you know, intelligent women, you know, in men, intelligent women and men, like we can see trouble a mile away, right. And so we think who I better avoid any trouble. But sometimes that that provides gives us a real opportunity cost, right? Sometimes we're thinking about, you know, somebody who might be a potentially great fit, you know, is is willing and ready and available and interested in us. But they live 60 miles away, right? Or they live 200 miles away, or 6000 miles away. And we so we think oh, that would be like I want to do long distance dating. Like it just seems like that would be such a pain. And in fact, this was my very story. When I live in Utah, Salt Lake City gal, my husband at the time was living in Orange County, California. When I first got his message online, you better believe I was like, no, thank you. I don't want to be involved in any long term like internet romance. That sounds like such a pain. But now 20 years in, is it a problem that once upon a time he lived in another state than I did not at all, right? Where we got to reserve that like staring at the problems and trying to solve them, before we've allowed ourselves to really connect or find out who they are or how we may fit well together. If we were worried on problems too soon, we're going to cost ourselves the opportunity to see if we ever could connect. Right. And I know that was a problem that I had, I would see oh, this lifestyle is different than mine. Or that value might be different than mine, or, you know, maybe somebody has a child, I didn't see myself as an instant, you know, parents, so nobody that has kids, and actually got the most beautiful letter yesterday, got a wedding invitation and a letter from a client to thanks me profusely. And she didn't need to she did this on her own. But she is marrying a widow. And he's got a couple of kids and four. She's 38. So for the last, you know, 20 years, she hadn't allowed herself to ever even consider the possibility of dating somebody who had kids because she didn't think she wanted that. But as it turns out, as she's gotten to know this man, as she has developed a relationship with these kids, nothing could is bringing her more joy than the relationship she has with them. She just didn't know that's what she wanted until she allowed herself to build that connection.

Robin | You're really helping people. Firstly, it is opening your mind. I get that. But you you're helping people identify their beliefs. Right? Yes. And how there are so many beliefs that we have that are limiting us. Yes, like, even you said yourself, it's like you weren't open to a long distance relationship until you started really communicating with your husband now at the time, right and really realizing actually, that belief is not working for me and actually this guy this could work even though we live in states apart.

Kristin | Yes. It's so expensive to to be to have this problem focused mindset. It's so it's cost us so much to reserve our connection opportunity like that opportunity to develop up connections only with people that have a potential to be a homerun and we know it from second one, right? We are missing out on all the batting practice and all the experience and wisdom that we could be gaining and insights from allowing ourselves to know people, right and allowing them to know us. Right. And that's like, I'm always, you know, getting after my client saying, you know, hey, he's got kids. He's not asking you to be those kids. Stepmom. He's asking you if you want to go to Fro Yo, I think you can do it.

Robin | Exactly. Let's take it easy here. Give a give a guy a chance give the person a chance I've written so good. Yeah, it's like people coming in this is this is the same old that we talked about, right? Is people coming in with their list.

Kristin | Yeah

Robin | Come on. Every like most people that are gonna be coming to you, Kristin, they probably have a list of all the things that they are looking for in a partner.

Kristin | Yeah.

Robin | And what are you saying to people when they come in with that list?

Kristin | Oh, well, there's lists and there's lists. Right. So, you know, do you know Terry Orbach? Do you know who that is?

Robin | Yes, yes. Terry was on our show.

Kristin | Oh, she's fantastic. One of my all time great mentors, you know, Rachel Greenwald level, love her to death. So her study, the early years of marriage study has identified that there are lick Six universal values that you know, everybody in her study all 373 couples that she's been following now, for 30 plus years, they all had six values in common. But the couples who have stayed together over time, which I think is something like 52% of those couples who are still married 30 years later, those 52% the thing that they had in common is that they prioritized of those universal six values. They shared the same top two. Right, and the couples that had differing values did not last the test of time. Right. So there's, when I say there's, listen, there's lists, we need to be picky about the right things, right?

Robin | Right

Kristin | It can't be height, right. It can't be career paths, right. Because those things ultimately don't matter. But you know, some of these top two your values, like, you know, the way we feel about faith, religion or spirituality, you know, if that's my number one priority, I probably have to find somebody who is as passionate as I am or close, right? Or if my desire for family is really, really strong. And I'm dating, you know, a finance guy from Wall Street that wants to climb and climb and climb and maybe wants to have a kid maybe Sure. But it is not a top tier priority, that relationship is probably going to suffer too. So

Robin | I would identify like, for instance, my one of my top values absolutely is my relationships with my family and friends. Yes, like my children, my best friends, my, my, my family members. Yeah, my community. And if somebody doesn't align with how relationships are important to them, then it's like, that's not going to work. Because what am I going to have fighting with somebody about like how much I right in time?

Kristin | Time you're spending and bandwidth you're giving them? Yeah, they would have to buy in to the same values that are like driving you internally, right? We don't need a personality twin. That's like my favorite Logan Ury.

Robin | Definitely

Kristin | Nickname. Yeah, we don't need that. We don't have to have identical interest. But those core values, the things that are internally driving us, we do need a list and we want to compare that are at least the top priorities, not even all of them. But the very tip top ones, do you need to align? Yes, yeah. So that kind of lists we throw away the old list. And we create a new list together that's based on the science and research.

Robin | And I really liked that Kristin, how you said, your, you know, your values that are internally driving you, that's a really good way to, to just to really decipher what are your, your closest values? I love that. Okay, so you're we're in phase two and what you're okay.

Kristin | So phase you out via phase two, science and research, you know, all the different relationship dynamic, the pieces that nobody's teaching you that in college, that's where we do a lot of our learning, right? Or maybe you're a church person, right? The Church teaches a lot of, you know, values and principles. But But how a romantic relationship is supposed to develop like that there's kind of a knowledge gap of where we're supposed to learn that, right. I've made it my lifetime quest. That's why I know, but it's hard to find, you know, good, reputable sources. And you know, especially in today's world of media, voices and influencers everywhere, there's a lot of opinions, but there are some that are better than others. So I have really tried to educate myself so that I can pass those on to my clients, they can fill their own knowledge gaps, and do a better job being their own matchmaker, right. So that's what that phase two is all about getting them caught up to speed on the science and research when it comes to relationship development. And then the third phase, maybe this is the, the part I've been doing the longest and the what's funnest for me is we make sure that the my clients have the assets, they need to be attracting the type of people they really want to be seeing, they want to be dating, both in person and you know, digitally, right so that they are sending the right messages digitally, you know, via their written content, also their appearance, right, so the photo packages and portfolios, like they really, really matter. And I can tell you,

Robin | Yes they do, eople don't actually realize this question, but your photos matter.

Kristin | Your first impression really matters. Like, you know, there's, I read somewhere, like you have three seconds to make a first impression on someone three. And then after those three seconds have expired, people have made up their minds on who they think you are. And it will take you, you know, dozens and dozens of additional encounters with that person to get them to change what they thought your first impression is. Right. So it we have to go to some specific lengths to make sure that we are communicating who we are to the people that we are meeting and I can tell you with certainty that you'll prior to my sort of personal revolution, when I allowed my friend to do this, for me, I was not dressing the way that I needed to to attract attention. I was not fixing my hair or makeup in in a way that was especially eye catching, it was fine. But it was certainly wasn't doing any of the work of attraction for me. And then I you know, I guess like getting together some photos or putting some effort into taking some photos that might work for me, I didn't have that either. And so that's really what I help my clients do is, you know, sometimes that means do we need to update your hair and makeup, if sometimes we do, sometimes we don't. And there's experts that can help you do that. It's not me. But you know, there are other people out there that do that. Sometimes my clients need a, you know, some kind of closet consultation where they've got to uplevel or update their wardrobe before they're really going to be ready to send the the kind of message that they need to, to attract the type of people that they want. But once we have all those pieces in play, then it's a matter of just kind of packaging it neatly, and putting it out there for the world to see. So that's that's what we do in that third phase is we assess what's missing, we get those pieces, and then we package it together. So that you know when you're at a party, right? If you're invited to a game night with friends, or you're at some kind of conference, like I would never, we don't have to wait till it's just social. Like if you go to a professional conference, and you're meeting people from all over, you can absolutely, you know, market yourself from a social standpoint and make connections that could develop into something really wonderful. You're at a place where you you maybe wouldn't think that you could. But if you had the tools and you were prepared to do that, it's so much easier to take advantage of those opportunities. So that's what phase three is all about. And this also gets me back into my little pilot's chair of creating content, right, I started as a newspaper reporter. But now, you know, the way that dating apps work, we create these little tiny action packed blurbs that we want to elicit a response from somebody, right? So I always make my clients be a lot more, instead of short answers that are vague, you know, we try to engage their end viewer into responding right by asking a question in their, in their dating profile. Like for example, you know, I'm a pickleball player, if you know of an uncrowded court, you know, hit me up. Right. I want to hear about that.

Robin | I like that.

Kristin | Right. And so, it pickleball

Robin | Engaging conversation and like telling something about yourself

Kristin | Yes, you're, you're speaking to them, and you're waving a flag, like, I'm over here, come and find me. Right? It's so much easier for them to find you. If you give them easy ways that they can engage with you. Yeah

Robin | Yes. I really think it's about you want to be yourself. You want to show your uniqueness because we all are so unique in our ways, right?

Kristin | Yeah.

Robin | And and tell a story.

Kristin | Yeah.

Robin | And I think that's that's a really good way of conveying who you are is through like little little stories, little snippets, like you said, Can you give us some more examples?

Kristin | Yeah sure. Like my you know, my philosophy here is like there's a lid for every pot. Right? So you know, I had

Robin | Probably a lot more lids than you think. Not just one right, Kristin?

Kristin | No no, there are ample like, you know, it doesn't matter how unique or special you think you are. I promise that there is a really good amount of of lids and pots that fit each other. And and here's the thing, it's not just one right we are not I don't believe that we are, you know, predestined to find one on one and only one partner in this world. Like if you think about your, you know, your Tupperware drawer, right? If you have your plastic containers that you put leftovers in, you probably have, you know, 75 bowls, and 150 lids, and a lot of them look like they're going to fit each other. But when it comes down to like really getting that seal and wanting to put a, a container of leftover spaghetti in your backpack, there's some seals that you're going to trust more than others, right? So it's a matter of finding a combination that does work, they're not all going to work even if they seem like they might, but there's, you know, of that group, there's going to be five or six that will fit beautifully and will seal nicely. Right. So it's a matter of attracting those, you know, real seals. And we can't do that if we are trying to, you know, follow the trends and saying, Well, everybody else seems to be outdoorsy. So I guess I'm going to talk about myself as a person who loves to hike and loves to do long distance endurance things, but that's not me. Right? So what is you? Right? And how can we showcase that. And so, you know, that's one thing that I helped my clients put together, if they're indoorsy, then we'll take a really beautiful picture of them, you know, with their hair looking nice and a nice wardrobe, like under a really pretty blanket, you know, holding up a book, right? And that is very appealing for another partner out there who is not all about, you know, dirt and mud, right, that's going to be appealing. So we have to be authentic in who we are. But we want to showcase those things and be proud of those things. So that we can make that positive first impression, if that makes sense.

Robin | Yes. So yeah, one of the things you're doing with your clients is also identifying where in their lives have they created obstacles for, for dating, finding love attracting love. You'll give an example of a client that you had, who was a very busy lawyer, I believe it was a professional, then she just didn't have time. She her schedule was so full, that it takes you actually physically have an obstacle in your life right now in your schedule where you physically do not have time. So so there has to be that and this is a real obstacle, right?

Kristin | Yes. Oh, totally. So I think you're referring to I have a client who got married a couple years back, and she was a very specialized anesthesiologist.

Robin | Oh, yeah, of course. Sorry. An anesthesiologist, yeah

Kristin | Yeah very specialized. And she was an ambitious one. So she was on the chair of many boards. She, she was on all kinds of committees. And plus, I mean, she worked like 80 hours a week. I mean, these specialized doctors often have, you know, really important businesses to attend to, you know, cases to attend to. And so yeah, she was working about 80 hours a week. And she hired me, and she had accomplished absolutely everything that she really wanted to do in her professional life. But she really wanted to have a family and be at least be part of a family. She was 42. And so that was one of the first things we did is just kind of okay, so, you know, sat down and had real talk about when this could possibly happen, you know, where in your schedule, could you make this happen? And what she came up with was, you know, on my way home from work, I could totally, you know, get to know people via, like phone call and chatting on my way home from work. And I was like, that's great. I'm glad we have that time. Tell me how you're feeling at that time. Are you feeling flirty and energized? And, you know, excited about what, what could be? And she says, Not usually.

Robin | She's probably exhausted. What a great question. Yeah, you're energy has to be in the right place to I love that. Yup

Kristin | Yes it matters, you know. And so she realized, Oh, I've got some like this is going to be I have to treat this like a priority if it's really going to be a priority. And so, bless her heart, she resigned from every committee that she sat on, she stopped chairing every group she got out. In fact, even she went from a full time employee to like it to like a three quarters time employee, right so that she could open up more weekends on her calendar that she could devote to having time to develop relationships if they were to have arised. And within six months of clearing her calendar in that way, she found somebody great. They started dating. They dated for nearly a year and then I heard they were getting engaged and I got invited to their wedding and I attended and it was wonderful.

Robin | Wow, see it. Thanks. So there's so many things at play here. So you identity helped identify this the obstacle which clearly was her time and priority.

Kristin | Yes.

Robin | And then she was able to she did take actions in alignment with her priority. which was finding a partner because you, you can have the desire. But if your actions and strategy aren't in alignment with that desire, nothing's gonna happen, right? So right, you can't expect a different result of doing the same old thing.

Kristin | Right

Robin | I just I really, and I and I also just really I love that Kristin. Now you're like, Okay, your time for phone calls in dating, getting to know somebody new is not on your way home from work when you're just completely bagged. And you're like, feeling like, I just want to go to bed right now. I can't, I can't give you my full attention.

Kristin | Right

Robin | And be in my my light, flirty, open self. So that's those are great.

Kristin | Yeah well, you know, in her case, like she's very accomplished, and has decided what she wanted and put effort and attention towards it and always accomplished it. And I had to ask her is, is this, is this an important priority? Because you, my friend, are really good at getting the things that you want? And you're really good at committing and putting effort towards this will this be one of them? And if it was, what would you have to do? Right, and I didn't tell her what to do. She she decided on her own, she made all those changes and made those decisions. And the the emotional commitment, you know, really spoke volumes and the results that she was able to get within months. Things were different.

Robin | I love it. Okay, so what about what about people that really are more? On the other side of the spectrum? Okay, you're not working with a anesthesiologist here? You're not working with like, like she she's got a lot of skills to get shit down. Right. Right. So she's proven right, whether it's success and everything. So what about people that are just like, humming along? You know, like, it's, you know, but you're talking about micro actions, like small actions that you can take?

Kristin | Yes

Robin | That will garner big results. So little things can people do that can make a big change over time?

Kristin | Let me let me tell you this, and this is how I break it down for for new clients. This is, this is what I have, this is what I have really observed. This isn't rooted in any science or research. This is my own, you know, 20 years here watching people go through this process. Why are they you know, stuck forever, and then all of a sudden are able to find success? And this is the formula for success? Where are you talking about micro changes this is it. So here's what they get working for them? It's four things, right? First, it's belief, right. They have a positive belief that all of a sudden, maybe this is possible, right? Maybe I could do this, like I see. Other people, they seem to have it. So I know it exists. Right? So maybe I could find it. I don't know how I'm going to do it. But I believe that it exists. Right. So that pause, having that positive belief is the beginning of everything. Because if you just think, hey, all men are scum, they're all narcissists. And it's easy to think that because we have a lot of empirical evidence to prove that it is, then we tend to see what we believe is there, right? But if we shift and say, actually, I do know, some happy couples, right, and I want to be one of them. Right. So if we have that belief, then we got to combine that belief with some good strategy. Right? And that's the ultimately what worked for me is I was using no strategy before or bad strategy before. But if we can decide that what we want exists, then I think, okay, what am I what do I have to do to get that thing, right. So in my case, I had to allow my friend to create this profile, even though it made me really, really uncomfortable, right. And then she coached me, there were some things that I didn't want to do, that she really pushed me into doing, and gave me the accountability, which by the way, is the third piece, right? So it's believing plus good strategy, right, which means we got to do a few things different than what we are doing. They don't have to, you know, we don't have to get on a rocket ship and go to the moon, right, but we have to do some simple things differently. Combine that with accountability, right? Because if you're having batting practice, we've used this baseball metaphor before, there are going to be some really good pitches that come your way that you're just not going to hit. And that is painful, right? It's painful to fail. But it's part of the process of success of succession, right of getting where we need to go.

Robin | You know, what I think about Kristin when I think about, you know, practice and that, you know, baseball analogy is, and I would, I would say this to my clients when I was doing coaching, it's like, if you're looking for a job, okay, let's say you get fired or let go, whatever, they're downsizing. And next thing you know, you're without a job. First of all, you need a job. Okay. Yeah. And second of all, you're not going to do any, you're not going to give up until you get that job. Right. And I can almost guarantee that it's probably not going to be the first resume you put out there or the first interview you go on, right. And if it does happen that way, then kudos to you. However, yes, the probability of that is very slim. So yes, let's treat that let's treat this as like every opportunity is could be could be your person or your job. But that's not going to you, you just can't let it go until, until that happens. And I understand that it's not sometimes can be very arduous, time consuming, stressful,

Kristin | Right

Robin | All the things you're gonna have to go through. But the end result is going to be what you what you want and need what

Kristin | What you ultimately want. And we need to have enough accountability on board so that we can make it through those arduous moments when you're like seeing evidence that maybe I am a failure, who maybe people do reject me. But also, you know, in your job interview metaphor here, like, don't you want to have some wisdom and experience on board before you show up to your dream job interview? Don't you, don't you want to have learned a few things? Right, and some of the less best lessons we have ever learned are things that we learned the hard way. Right, mistakes.

Robin | Yes that's how we learn as human beings, right. Yep.

Kristin | And then the very last thing in this like, formula is luck. Right. And here's what I have learned about luck, or we call this God's timing, if you want, if you're a spiritual person, think they're about the same thing. And and when you have a positive belief, you know, when you have are engaged in good strategy, right, when you have enough accountability to make it through the rough moments, what you're going to notice is that the windows of luck are actually often open to you on a fairly regular basis. Right? Almost like a like a lunar cycle. Right, Robin, do you notice every time there's a full moon in the sky?

Robin | I don't, but my cousin does. She's got it on her. But I'm not that person. But she is like it's a full moon tomorrow, really okay.

Kristin | We could we could be like your cousin, like, if the signs are there, they're easy to track. If you put some effort into watching the cycles of the moon, you'll know exactly when it's full. And the same thing is true with our luck, right? Yeah, it comes around for us on a regular basis. If we're engaged in good strategy and have accountability, we'll see those signs that it's about to be there. So that when that window of opportunity opens up, we're able to jump through it, instead of be oblivious to it. Right, which is often what we're doing. And certainly in my case, you know, as I look back at all the, the opportunities that I had, and just didn't realize, I like you know, I am kicking myself because I could have had this joy, you know, no regrets, because I'm really happy in the life that I have now. But, you know, it didn't have to be that way. If I had been better engaged in good strategy and in building accountability into my life and, and really fostering a positive belief, it could have happened for me a lot sooner.

Robin | You are creating, you're creating your luck.

Kristin | I do very much.

Robin | All of this, like you said, it's like the 1,2,3 all together equals four. And it's not just some happenstance. And I think that's the other thing is like, we're so lost, our culture is still very much believing about the fairy tale analogy, like this person is just going to fall out of the sky. And like when he appears he appears or when she appears it's meant to be

Kristin | Yes

Robin | Actually, what I would rather believe and what I what I do see in how we create our realities is like, it's our, it is our belief, it is our actions, our strategy, and follow through accountability, that lead to the results that we that we're creating, like we're co creating with the universe.

Kristin | And the nice thing about it is that you can stick take a step back and think, where, where am I lacking here? Is it my strategy? Like I can, oh, I can step forward with strategy, right? Or is it just accountability? Like, just do I need to call my best friend and, and ask her to check up on me twice a week to see if I've jumped in on my dating apps? Or if I've got something planned for the weekend? Like if I can just ramp up my accountability, or, you know, is my problem belief? Do I need to read a book? Right, do I need to read , oh, what's Laura Gottlieb's book that I love so much. Maybe you Should Talk to Someone. Yeah, do I need to read something that's gonna help me with my belief a bit more? Like, where am I lacking? And then ramp up that element? Right? It's not It's like everything across the board. Typically, it's one thing or the other. And we can take steps forward once we've identified what piece is too low for you. Right.

Robin | Yes

Kristin | We have this power to make things grow, even if we're not an anathesiologist

Robin | I just oh my gosh, Kristin. I'm just so happy we talked today I think that all of our listeners are gonna get so much from this discussion because like you say, it's like very empowering to know that you can look at this formula and say, like, where's my gap and action you can take, you can you can learn you can take steps to make the big you can do

Kristin | I can do this. Absolutely. Yeah.

Robin | Yes. Any listeners

Kristin | Engaged in March

Robin | Sorry.

Kristin | I had so

Robin | In March

Kristin | Many clients get engaged in March that was like my highest month ever. Right? And these are all really regular people who have just realized something and doing little micro things differently and and gosh, they find what they're looking for.

Robin | Well, can you please let me know when our listeners join you and you and they're you're helping them, because I want to know I just think, yes, you're the best. Kristin, I thank you so much for your time today, sweetie, my pleasure. And you're doing you're doing amazing work in the world building more loving relationships. That's what it's all about, right?

Kristin | My favorite, it's my favorite thing to do. I'm so glad that this is my job.

Robin | I can tell. While we're I'm going to close our chat with a blessing and it's based on your words. So may we become conscious of our beliefs, especially those that are limiting our views about ourselves, love and relationships. May we implement and follow strategies, while also holding ourselves accountable in order to make the positive changes we want to experience in life. And may we remember that the universe does provide unique opportunities for all of us. Usually more than we can even realize some Thank you, Kristin Sokol

Kristin | Oh, my pleasure. So good to see you.

Robin | Always so good to see you.