Let’s Talk Love Podcast Season 3 Episode #11 with Sylvester McNutt III | Transcript

22.03.30

This transcript is from the Let’s Talk Love Podcast, available in our Podcast Feed.

Robin Ducharme | Welcome to Let's Talk Love. Today I enjoyed this conversation with Sylvester McNutt III. Sylvester is an author, speaker, podcast host and certified yoga teacher. He has published nine books covering topics like freedom, liberation, shame, people pleasing, codependency, success and deep healing. Today we talk about his life, how he set out on a lifelong healing journey and now teaches ways we can all free ourselves from shame, love ourselves properly, and truly live our best lives. Sly is an excellent storyteller and he does a terrific job teaching important life principles through story and language. I hope you enjoy.

Welcome to Let's Talk Love the podcast that brings you real talk, fresh ideas, and expert insights every week. Our guests are the most trusted voices in love and relationships and they're here for you with tools, information, and friendly advice to help you expand the ways you love, relate and communicate. We tackle the big questions not shying away from the complex, the messy, the awkward, and the joyful parts of relationships. I'm your host, Robin Ducharme. Now, let's talk love...

Hello, everyone and welcome to this episode of Let's Talk Love. I'm very excited to talk to our guest today about love. Sylvester McNutt III. Thank you for joining us, Sylvester.

Sylvester McNutt III | Thank you, thank you for the invitation is always a lovely thing when someone says hey, I'd like to talk to you about something. Like I think that's a good thing you know?

Robin Ducharme | Absolutely. So I want to talk about your name, first of all, so you've got a really great name and your friends call you Sly, your friends and family call you Sly.

Sylvester McNutt III | Yes!

Robin Ducharme | That's pretty great.

Sylvester McNutt III | No one's ever asked about this. So I have a few nicknames. So, growing up playing sports, my teammates would call me McNutt, you know, because you call your teammates, your last name, oftentimes. And then obviously what a last name like McNutt, you know, you got to use that. And my family system, they actually used to call me Jr. and it was a weird story. Like my grandmother, she started calling me Jr. Because she was saying that I was my father's Jr, that I look just like my dad, you know, I would always be with my dad, I'd act like my dad. But the thing is, I'm the third. And so when you follow, it's typically the senior, the junior in the third, fourth, fifth, and so on. So I remember being a young kid. And when I learned that I'm like, hey, it doesn't make sense for you guys to call me Jr. Because I'm the third. My dad is actually Jr. So you should call me trace. Or the third. You know, I used to just come up with names like related to the number three. So of course I never did it like they never did it.

Robin Ducharme | No. You can't use your nickname.

Sylvester McNutt III | You can't like they just wouldn't do it. Like, my family didn't care. And then my coaches would call me sly because Sylvester was too hard to say. You know what coaches are trying to yell they need like a one-syllable name to call you out. So they will call me sly and it kind of just stuck from there. Where people will call me sly.

Robin | I love it. I love it. I think of Sylvester Stallone and of course, he's Sly and you're Sly. It's all good. So your dad is Sylvester McNutt and your grandpa is Sylvester McNutt. That's neat. That's great. So I'm so happy to talk to you. You are a prolific author. You're a coach, you're a speaker, you. I'm just excited to learn more about you and your career and your ideas, because I just finished reading, Loving Yourself Properly. And my colleague who also works on the podcast with me read Free Your Energy. And I mean, there's seven other books that we haven't read yet, but I'm, I'm interested to read those too, because there's a lot of well, profound ideas and ways to, I think work with, it's about growth and change and becoming more of ourselves. One of the quotes in your book says, the best decision you ever made was to commit to healing, presence and joy.

Sylvester | Yeah, absolutely.

Robin | When did you make this decision? Like did you was this like years in the making? Like what precipitated you to be like standing, you're putting your flag down and be like, this is really where I need to make some shifts in my life. And really focus on the healing presence and joy in your life.

Sylvester | Yeah. So my healing journey, I should say the first iteration of my healing journey was very, it was very serious. It required a lot of serious is focused energy, you know, because it really the pain that I was experiencing occurred when I was younger, you know, when I was a before being a teenager, you know, in that transition from like eight to 12 years old. And so you feel, you know, you feel powerful at that age, because you have a lot of ideas, and you have the ability to observe what's going on around you. But you're powerless, because you're not the decision maker, you're not paying any bills, you know, you're not running the household per se, what you want or desire may be considered, but ultimately, it's up to your parents or your caregiver to say, Okay, this is what we're doing. And so while it's certainly a powerful position, that at that age, you know, mentally and emotionally, it's actually powerless in a way, unless you're in an environment where they're empowering you. So in my specific situation, I definitely was empowered, I my parents definitely empowered me from like, intellectual perspective, you know, there was a lot of pressure to read books and to do well in school and to perform. And so, you know, I learned that if I perform well, I can achieve love through performance. You know, which we know, can develop codependency, which, at one point, I did struggle with codependency, but I'm gonna stay present to that, that area of my life. So this can make sense. And then I remember being in school, and, you know, started to light girls, and not really knowing what that was. But I remember, like, there was this girl named Wendy and I really liked her. But like, I didn't know what, you know what it was, like, I'm like, Why do I keep looking at this girl? You know, I just be in class looking at Wendy. And it was like, it was a weird thing. Because, you know, no one ever talked about it, you know, no one had a conversation with me, like, Hey, soon, you know, you're gonna start liking girls. And, you know, you might want to kiss a girl, you might want to hold her hand, like, you know, no one really talked to me about that. So as I'm like, coming into a mature body, my hormones are changing, I'm really not knowing you know, what's going on. And then another thing that I was dealing with at the time, too. And to be more specific about what was going on in the household is I went from like a perfect family system where my parents were working and happy and healthy. As far as I could tell, to a lot of very destructive behaviors, a lot of passive aggressiveness, a lot of fights, a lot of arguing a lot of alcoholism, a lot of verbal abuse, mental abuse and physical abuse, which wasn't present, you know, went from literally like the perfect family system, to what felt like war every day at home. And, you know, that's a big rupture in how you're perceiving the world. And so that's really like, you know, what was going on. And it was just overwhelming, you know, it was just confusing. It was overwhelming, it didn't really, really have anyone to talk to, you know about it. Especially the the parts about, you know, the abuse that I was going through, like I didn't have anyone to talk to you about that. Just kind of dealt with it. And so for me, the healing journey became a very serious thing. It was like, I have to get out of this, like I have to escape. You know, it became so bad for me that I remember running away from home. And the way I tried to do that was, this would have been I was living in Arlington Heights, we left there my seventh grade. So this would have either been sixth or seventh grade. And riding home from from school, you know, it was really cold in Illinois. And I just didn't want to go home. You know, it's not that I wanted to be outside and play. I like I didn't want to go home because it wasn't safe for me. I felt like I was walking on eggshells every day. When I walk in the house, when you have two alcoholic parents, you have four parents, you know, you have four parents you have who they are sober, and who they are when they drink. And if you know anything about people who get drunk, often, they oftentimes have multiple people inside of them when they're drunk. You have the dad who's loving, then you have the dad who's a pissed off introvert and doesn't want to talk. You have the mother who's cracking jokes. And then you have the mother who's angry, and is in resentment. So you know, you might have six parents, if you have two alcoholic parents. And it just got to be too much. It was just frustrated. So I had this, this friend, his name was Jose. And, you know, he was from a Mexican family. And I told him, I said, Man, I need to run away. And he asked me like, Well, where are you going to go? You know, I was like, Well, I don't know, like, somewhere just anywhere. Like, I just can't be there. And he was like, Well, you know, I don't know if my mom would be cool with it. But, you know, if you want to just come over and like run away for the day, you could at least run away for the day. You know, we'll see what my mom says . So I'm like Alright, cool. So, you know, I had been to his house before and met his mom. She made some really good tacos. And so we went over there and we didn't tell her that I was running away. Yeah, we did. Like, Oh, yeah, he just coming over to play some games. So she made us some food. And I remember at the time, he had a Sega Saturn, which was a video game console that no longer exists. So we're like in the back playing Sega Saturn. And, you know, I just felt free, I just felt free knowing that I didn't have to go to that environment. You know, it was the first time I really can say that I felt freedom. And, of course, you know, by that time, my mom knew all my friends and she knew exactly where they live. So she came and hunted me down, it was not, was not a fun car ride back, you know, because my, my brother and sister were in the backseat now just for context. At the time, I was probably 13. And my sister would have been six or seven, and my youngest brother would have been three. And so imagine it's wintertime, you're expecting your oldest kid to be walking in the door soon. And you don't see them. You don't hear from them. The bus goes by that they get off of every day. And then they don't walk in the door a few minutes later. So I imagine I probably gave my mom a heart attack with that. Where the hell is my kid moment. Yeah. And then like a couple hours went by. And then it probably went from, you're not sure to ask my mom about this. But it probably went from like, fear of where's my kid to like, I'm whipping my kids ass as soon as I find them, you know, that's probably what my mom was thinking. And so, you know, then you got to put a toddler in the car and your your six year old and you're, I'm sure my sister's really smart. So I'm sure my sister was like, you know, where's my brother at? You know, my mom was probably frustrated. Like, don't ask me where he's at. We're about to go find him. Because when I got in that car, no one said anything. It was my mom, my dad and my younger brother and sister. No one said a word it was like, it's like if you walk into your final exams in college, but you're late, and everyone else is taking a test. And then they look up at you like you're late for finals, bro. Like, that's how it felt. And later, after they put my brother and sister down, you know, my mom was like, so what were you doing? You know, where were you at? And I told her, I said, you know, I had to run away from home, I didn't want to be here. And you know that, that moment is when I realized, like, Okay, I didn't have the language to know, hey, I need to heal, or I'm about to heal. But I had enough awareness or recognize like something was something was wrong, something wasn't where it should have been. You know, so that's when my healing journey really started. And for the next like, seven, eight years, it was a very, very serious, like, serious journey. So like, when you read me that quote, I can recognize why would have put, you know, opening myself up to joy. Because there was at least a decade of my life where it wasn't joy, it was a very serious focus, tunnel vision, doubt in my concentrated effort to escape free myself and heal. And so now it's like, Okay, now this version of my healing journey, I have to experience joy. Like, I have to be able to laugh at a silly, you know, silly comedian on on TV, or if I trip and you know, tip over my tea, like, I gotta be able to laugh at myself, like, oh, you clumsy dude, you know, it's alright, it's not that big of a deal. You know, it's, I feel like definitely now the joy piece, because I wasn't able to really appreciate that before. You know, now I'm all in on joy.

Robin | Love it. So in your book, Loving Yourself Properly. I mean, the title says it all right, it really is guiding the reader to learn ways to love yourself properly. You know, I think there's so much talk and there has been for as long as I can think about you in my, in my late early teens when I started reading the books, right in the Hay House books and all the author's and Louise Hay, you know, the affirmations in the mirror? And you know, and there's just a huge industry around talking about loving yourself properly. But really, how do you do that? What are the skills? And how, you know, because it's not fluff. This is not this is serious stuff. And one of the ways I just love this story, you share, Sylvester, at the beginning of your book of your friend Summer, and how you're laying on the couch. And you know, obviously you were that friend, it sounded to me, like you were that friend that people would call and ask for advice from right. So if you recall a story about Summer, can you tell it? Do you remember the story?

Sylvester | Yeah. Oh, yeah. So the cool thing, the cool thing about that is I tried to so in music, they have this thing called it like a entendre. So you can do like a double entendre or triple entendre, which is where you can say the same thing and it can have multiple meanings. So like in that story. I wrote it as if I was talking to someone you know, named Summer. But then there's another correlation in there where it was happening in the summer. As well as there was a story about my professor, there was a professor who was summers as well, you know, I took a class in the summertime. And so I remember the Summer I was referring to. Her name was actually Amanda, but I had to change it for the book. So I have to say that her name is Amanda for my brain to remember what she was going through. But she was having, you know, relational issues. And I remember sitting on my couch, and she's just talking to me about these relational issues. But she just kept blaming the person, she's like, he doesn't do this, he doesn't do this. He's full of this. And he's this and that. And like, she'd never ever mentioned herself, she just complained. So, you know, I was just sitting there listening, you know, it was a real story, I was just sitting there listening. And I think I was playing FIFA on the Xbox, I was playing, you know, I was playing a game and talking to her. And, you know, finally, I was just like, okay, it sounds like, the problems you're having in this relationship are actually like, inner problems. Like, they're your problems. Like, when I'm talking to you, you're blaming this person, and you're putting it all on this person, which is actually giving your power away. And I don't think you're recognizing your responsibility in participation in these problems that you are creating that you are giving light to that you are saying, Okay, I want these problems. You know, and like, when I said that, to her, she kind of was like, okay, Damn, that's a gut punch. You know, because a lot of the times when we complain to our friends and family, a lot of the times we want to be coddled, and we want to be agreed with, like, that's right. I can't believe that person would say that to you, how dare them. I'm here for you. Like, we want to know that people. Like, we want to know that we're not crazy. So to a degree, having someone agree with you is good, you know, to a degree because it's like, okay, I'm not, I'm not as crazy as I thought I was. But then once, like, we're often not expanding, once we're only looking for a grant. Yes. And so, you know, I definitely wanted to, you know, let her know, like, Hey, I get what you're saying. But like, you're kind of the problem here, too. I can recognize it. You know, and so that gut punch that I tried to do as safely as possible, led her to, you know, a deeper expansion. And we actually never talked again after that.

Robin | Oh, wow.

Sylvester | Believe it or not. Yeah, we had been friends for about five or six years. And that final conversation, I feel like, I feel like people come into your lives for reasons that you may not know, right. And one of my purposes, I feel like is, you know, I want to serve the people I know, I want to whoever I meet, I want to serve you, whether that's through laughter, you know, getting some tea together, or, you know, building a business together, going for a walk, whatever it is, like, we all have a purpose in each other's lives. And I feel like my purpose in her life was that conversation, even though we had known each other five or six years, what happened after that conversation, because obviously, we have social media now. She left that relationship. And she went on a healing journey. And then she found a relationship that was more aligned with the complaints, right, with the complaints, because the complaints that she had is, that's her soul yelling at her saying, Hey, you're not living the life you're supposed to live. You're not aligned the way you're supposed to be aligned. And so she, she went on his journey, and you know, and got in a much better relationship, but that better relationship was really the consequence of the better relationship she developed with herself. Yeah. At least in my opinion.

Robin | Yes. And you went on to write this book. So I just love that both of you had this, you know, this relationship that gave you each something new in your lives.

Sylvester | Yeah, you she gave me purpose because I told her, I told her, I was like, You know what? This is inspiring me. I'm gonna write about this. You know, so she served me too.

Robin | Definitely. And so this is something that you did say to her, which you just explained, but you said, what I see, the reflection that I'm getting right now from you complaining about this guy you're with is that you have a problem with the relationship with yourself that needs some care. What you need to focus on is your relationship to yourself, not the relationship you're in. And I was like, wow, that is really insightful and just well said. You said, I can hear that you have a problem with boundaries. You have issues with the way you're treating yourself. And it sounds like you have wounds that need attention. And the relationships in your life are trying to show you that. You need to look within and do some real healing and create a vision for how you want your life to be. I was like Whoa, that is just awesome to have a friend just say like, this is what I'm hearing. Right.

Sylvester | And before we move, before we move to anything else, I do want to say, sometimes what comes up is, do I need to leave the current relationship I am in to do the deeper healing work that I need to do? And I don't believe that the answer is yes or no, I don't believe it's a black or white thing. No, it's a very colorful, nuanced thing, you know. And so one of my beliefs about relationships is that we should be trying to create a vessel that supports both of our healings as we evolve and change. So if you have a partner, who's supportive, you know, at least if they're supportive 60% of the time to meet us enough, I'm like, Hey, I'd have 10 times six times you got my back, you know, four times a, maybe you don't, because whatever reason, like I'm cool with that, I don't expect anyone to have my back 100% of the time. But if you're coming in at 60-90% of the time, you know, boom, we can hit it. So definitely, you know, what her situation she didn't have that, like, she didn't have a partner who showed up for even six times, maybe that man will show up for her maybe one or one or two times, which is not enough. You know, so if you have like a supportive partner, if you have, you know, good communication, if you can say, hey, I'm just not my best right now, I'm hurting with this. I'm grieving this, I'm suffering with this, you know, and your partner can say, alright, well, let's figure it out. Like, what do we need to do? What do you need? What how can I support you? Like, how can I show up for you, if you have a partner like that, you know, you don't leave that relationship? You know, you stay in there, and you support each other, you know, and you heal. But if you have the other relationship, you're like, Man, I'm, I'm depressed right now. And they're just like, Alright, get over it. You know, or I'm really sad, my grandfather passed away, and I don't really know how to grieve, and they're just like, oh, people die every day, then it's like, that's not really, that space isn't really conducive to like, the transition that your soul needs. And so I just wanted to say that because it's not black or white.

Robin | No, no, it's not about leaving the relationship, because you need to go on your own souls path. If, like you said, you hopefully will know that if your relationship is, I guess what Terry Real just told us on the IG live we just did with him a few hours ago. If you have really considered this relationship, and you look at it this way, are you willing to grieve everything you will lose if you end that relationship? Or is it is the pain greater if you leave the relationship or whether you stay? That's one of the indicators that he uses when he's working with his clients. I thought, Oh, wow.

Sylvester | That's deep. I like that.

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Robin | So, let's talk about self love. What is your definition? Or what would you say is the first step to like, just self love?

Sylvester | To consider your soul. That's a simple definition. You know, to really consider your soul I think when I think there's so many different things, pillars of life, where we have to make decisions, finances, relational, you know, your career, vocation, even down to where you live, you know, how you dress, you know? And in the also it's like varying degrees of importance or not importance. You know, for example, self love to me today could have been you know, I was doing this with you I got put on like my nice shirt and tie. I got like a red tie wanted to wear I got a nice blazer, you know, that would have been really good for me. But I've been sick, you know, for the last week and I just, I feel much better today in this really nice hoodie. You know?

Robin | Yes. You want to be cozy. That's taking care of yourself. Like really, that's listening to yourself.

Sylvester | Yeah, like I just wanted to be cozy like I went for a walk you know, before I talk with you to you know, just get my brain good and get my energy flowing. Make myself some tea just really tried to take care of myself. So like, today self love for me is just nourishing my body, nourishing my mind because I'm getting over a sickness, you know, but a year from now, when I'm negotiating the contract from my next book, self love might be telling my agents, hey, we need to make a million dollars off of this. Like, we can't settle for the contract we got before. You know, so it might be that, you know, self love might be, damn, I'm feeling really isolated, all I'm doing is working, you know what I need to see my buddies, I need to set up a date with my friends so we can go to dinner so we can be in community space. So self love, it just is tending to your soul. You know, it's tending to your heart. And then the varying degrees of it. You know, like I say, life is nuanced, and it's colorful. So we figure that out from the day to day, but essentially, it's just tending to your soul.

Robin | Yes. I think there's just so much talk about improvement, and being better. And I understand that. I understand this idea because I, you know, I do strive to be like the best person that I can be. The best mom, the best wife, the best friend, all of those things. And the best in my in my job, right, showing up as my best self. But you say self love is built by accepting yourself as you are right now. It's not about like constantly improving, which I think is right.

Sylvester | Yeah, I 100% agree with what you're saying. Because here's the thing. If you have contentment for who you are and where you are now, and you build from contentment, what is the result? More contentment. If you're angry and pissed off about who you are now, and what you've allowed, what you've created, and you create from the energy of anger, you're just creating more anger. And so what I'm looking for is a peaceful transition. Now, I shouldn't even say peaceful because it may not be peaceful. But I'm looking for a transition away from, you know, that state, that state of being that state of mind. So if you're recognizing like, oh, man, I fucked my life up. This is things that you hear people say, I fucked my life up. I did this. I did this. I did this. Okay. Well, yeah, be accountable for it. Sure. I like that. But Now ask yourself, what's available? What's available to you? You made mistakes, just like every human being, I think, was a Neil Tyson Degrassi. I think he said over a billion people have lived. Right? So if over a billion people have lived, that means that there's been billions upon billions, I don't know what comes after billion is a trillion, trillions of mistakes. So making a mistake is natural to the human condition. So why are we why are we conditioned to think that, okay, we've made a mistake, that we have to push ourselves down further and some shame spiral, that we have to push ourselves and make ourselves feel unworthy of the healing, of the restoration of the comeback story, of the incline. Like, we're worthy of that, like, you're worthy of the restoration, just because you made a mistake, just because you hurt somebody. That doesn't mean you self sabotage, you keep yourself, the worst you can be you just accept yourself. You just accept yourself. And when you accept yourself, the shame that is in a lot of people's story just comes it comes up, it comes up naturally. For example, I'll give you an example. When I was 14 years old, going into high school, I used to pee the bed. By 14, you should be completely potty trained, you shouldn't be peeing the bed. I had a lot of shame about that. When I was 14. Now, this version of me 20 years removed from high school knows that that version of me was going through trauma, I was afraid of being attacked, while I was asleep, my body was reacting to my environment. Because I have that information. And now because I have space away from that, I don't have that shame in my body anymore. In fact, I have compassion now. Compassion means more love, more gratitude, more understanding. And so that only occurred through self acceptance. Without the self acceptance, your transition just won't happen. Now, a lot of the times, like you say, we want to go better. We don't need to be better. We need to be in full acknowledgement of what is. The only way you heal is to acknowledge what is a lot of times our suffering is it's like this weird cycle where it's like, no one knows the pain that I'm going through. So I'm going to keep it to myself. But the truth is, there's millions of people who know what you what you went through. Yes. And the second you say, This is my struggle. You're gonna have people coming out from under bridges, jumping off a cliff (obviously with a parachute), coming out of the water, just to find your say hey, I went through that too, I went through that too. Thank you for thank you for being brave and speaking up, and now we heal together. Healing is witness, healing is with your eyes.

Robin | There's a story that you tell in the book about when you had an injury. And before your injury, you know, your physical fitness was, you know, you were at the gym all the time, you were, you know, in the best shape. And you went through this period where you, you couldn't work out, you couldn't exercise, but you're eating, you know, you're eating like you were before, you end up gaining weight. And you went into this period of shame, this time of like, deep shame around that. And your natural inclination was to isolate. And so and you, you said, you would wait till evening, when nobody, you knew was gonna be at the gym. Like, you're like, you're just literally isolating and being alone and in shame and all these, which is, I think a very, like, a lot of people would go to that place. And then it wasn't until you reached out to your buddy, and said, like, this is where I'm at, I need your help. You did reach out and say like, this is, I've been in this place of shame, and I. And I think what I need to do is reach out, you knew that. And he said, Come on, come to my gym, like just surround yourself with other people. And you'll like, I just think that that was just a really great story of how, when we are in pain, how important it is to reach out, even though it doesn't seem like that's the last thing you want to do sometimes. Right?

Sylvester | Someone witnessing you will heal you. Yeah, they're not even, they're not even doing you know, the work or any effort. Just just them answering the phone, returning a text returning a call. That's, that's just enough just for them to see you. The real work is when you say, Hey, I'm going through this, I'm struggling with this. Exactly. That's the hardest part. And as soon as you get there, it's like, okay, I can heal now, like I'm good. Now. I let them know that I'm I'm going through, I'm suffering with this or that. Now, it's easy, relatively speaking.

Robin | Oh my gosh. So, Sylvester, I love the... So in the book you talk about, this is Loving Yourself Properly. That's the book that I was talking about. So you talk about shame based thinking, and how we, we can be consumed by shame based thinking. It's like these limited thoughts, limited beliefs, that maybe were passed down from us that we still are living these limiting beliefs, right. And you tell the story of and so you say when shame is on, love is off. And really, it's about reconditioning your thoughts. Reconditioning your mind. Right. And you do affirmations on a regular basis, and the book is full of affirmations, which I think are beautiful. So tell us about your, your ritual, your daily, how have you implemented affirmations in your own life? And how has that changed how you operate?

Sylvester | Affirmations for me started when I was an athlete when I was playing sports. And, you know, every moment is a consistent challenge, when you play football, and I ran track, track was just really a consequence of playing football wanted to get better at football. So, you know, I knew that if I just stayed in track and field, I will get faster, I will have more lung capacity, which means I can stay in the game the whole time. Because that was my whole goal. I want to stay in the game the whole time. And, you know, it's like with sports, you have the like sports is just like, when you're reading a book or watching a movie, every protagonist, they have an inner conflict that they have to conquer, then they have an external conflict. And they do not conquer the external conflict until they conquer the inner conflict. So when you're playing sports, you're playing sports against people who are bigger than you, stronger than you, faster than you, better than you, right? Everyone, I don't care who you are. There's someone that's somewhere in that dichotomy. And so you first really have to conquer yourself. When you're playing sports, you actually have to conquer who you are, like, you have to become one, you know, with your shadow, with your darkness, with your weakness. So you can understand, you know, who's showing up to the table. So now you can conquer your enemies, opponents, the quest, the journey, whatever, you know, whatever we want to call it. And so I feel like through sports, you really learn affirmations like, I can do this. I got this. I'm ready for this. This is my time. This is my opportunity. I trained for this. I showed up for this. I ran at 6am in the morning. I stayed late and trained. You know, like for example, and these are things I will say to myself. I remember in my junior year of high school, my coach said to me, he says my best friend and his name was James Tabatha. He was like 6'2", 210 pounds and now as a senior this is like no doubt Oh, this was yeah, this was our senior year. This is our senior year. And, you know, that's like, that's really good height and weight for football player in high school. And so he, he's getting letters from all these colleges. And they're like, Hey, we're just letting you know, we got your eye on you, we're recruiting you. We're offering you a scholarship to come to our school. And I remember, you know, seeing James get these letters, and I wouldn't get any letters. And I just remember feeling, feeling envious, like, angry, like, why is he not that he didn't deserve it? Or that he wasn't worthy. But why is he only getting it and not me? That's how I felt. Because I felt like, I felt like, yeah, he was a better student than me. He was bigger than me stronger and faster than me. But I was a better football player than him. That's how I felt in my heart. This is my best friend in high school. And I went and asked my coach, I say, coach, why does James get all these letters? Like, what? What is he that I'm not? What is he doing that I'm not doing? How do I put myself in a position so I can get the letters because I want to go to college. I would like to play college football. What do I have to do? And, you know, my coach is gonna sound like a hater. But he's not. He wasn't a hater. I'll tell you what he was. I'm gonna tell you what he said. And then I'm gonna tell you what he was. He says slot you have to understand Division One schools, you know, they don't want guys like us. You know, James is 6'2", 6'3" we're 5'9". You know, James has a 30 plus on his ACT. What did you get? And I'm like coach, don't ask me that. I got a 19. Like, you know, he's like, yeah, when I was in high school, I got the same thing. And he was like, you know, people like us. We don't go on to play college football. You know, so just appreciate your last year here as a high school senior. And you know, you'll go to college, and you'll have fun in college. And I felt I remember just feeling so crushed. Because I'm looking to this man. And I'm like, Dude, you're the head coach of the football team. You're supposed to be the one who, who makes me dig deeper to find my greatness. You're supposed to be the one to encourage me, to push me, to tell me what's possible. But he didn't use that language. He told me what I couldn't do. And my soul knew that that was bullshit. As he was saying it, the affirmations were coming through my head. No, don't listen to him. You can do this, you are big enough, you are smart enough, you are strong enough, you are fast enough. I remember, I'm actually getting goosebumps right now. Because I feel like I'm on that field. It was like 90 degrees, we had black helmets on, 90% humidity in the middle of summertime. In Palatine, Illinois, the field was right across the street from my house, I used to hop a fence to get to the field and go to the high school. And I can't believe we had black helmets in the middle of the summer, just to track in that heat. I remember just dripping, just sweat was dripping. You know, we're in the middle of a practice, practice may have just ended because I remember seeing James get the letter, and I went to my coach. And so from there, I committed the rest of my my senior year, every day in my journal, because I would journal every morning. So I will go to the gym every morning. And then when I got done at the gym, I would journal. And that's when I really started honing the practice of writing affirmations. And it was really like, Hey, I'm going to be a college football player, I can do this, okay, we're going to be a college football player, that's what we're going to do. We're going to go to a division one school, that's what we want to do. We're going to walk onto the team. If they offer a scholarship, great, we're going to earn our spot. That's what we're going to do. We're going to be a division one football player. That's what we're going to do. And I knew that I wanted to be an author. So we're going to study communications, we're going to study psychology, we're going to take all the writing classes, we're going to take all the poetry, we're going to take all the classes that teach you how to write, whether it's a book, whether it's a script, we're going to do everything because I knew I wanted to do these two things. I wanted to be an athlete, and I wanted to write books. At some point when I was done with sports. I just knew it, my soul knew it. And so pretty much the routine that I developed in high school is I will get up I will go workout at the high school before school. Now we weren't required to do that. That was just me. You know, getting what I needed to get the best out of my body. My coaches already told me I'm too small and I'm not strong enough. So I gotta make myself strong. So I go work out Monday through Friday. No, excuse me Monday through Thursday, Fridays, we had our football games. So I would work out Monday through Thursday. My lunch break now, you know, when you're a senior at school, you can have off campus lunch, so and a lot of my teammates, they had cars and jeeps and stuff. So, you know we'd be like the Wendy's parking lot with our jerseys, you know, stuff like that. I gave that up and I just said you know what? No more lunch period for me. And what I did was I went down to the film room every day, Monday through Friday, and I will watch film, I would watch the mistakes, right? Because, well, my coach said, You're not the biggest, you're not the strongest, you're not the fastest. Okay, Coach, you didn't say that I wasn't the smartest. See, there's this thing called a brain here. So although I may not be the best athlete, I can be the smartest athlete on the field every single time. And so I recognize that like, that was my gift. My intellect was my gift. And I was a very, I'm still very athletic. But through his eyes, I wasn't as athletic as he wanted me to be. So I said, okay, cool. So here's what I did. I learned every position on the football field. Now the reason I did that is because he had me as a third string backup. What do you think, happened? The first string running back tore out his knee.

Well, who knows all the plays? Sly knows all the plays. How does Sly know all the plays? Because he committed himself every lunch period instead of partying with people to studying. So now we're in the game. And coach is like Hey, Anthony just got hurt. Anthony LeCapper, he was a sophomore, elite athlete, like Anthony LeCapper just got hurt. We need another running back. I put my helmet on and just ran out. Like I'm not even about to give you the opportunity to tell me no, because I already know how you view things in life. Like you already view things from a limited perspective. So I run out. I get in the huddle. And the quarterback. He was a junior his name was Ty. Cool dude, really cool dude. And he's like, okay, Sly, you got this, I'm like, let's go. I was like call my number right now. He calls a play, 22 cards, which essentially means running play to the right. So, you know, we go line up. And this is the power of affirmations. This is the power of imagination. This is the power of believing in yourself. Before that play even happened, I saw it happen in my eyes, in my head 100 times, 100 times. But okay, this is what's going to happen. So then as the play happens, it's all slow motion. Yeah, there's no anxiety, there's no fear, I already put myself in this state. By using affirmations by breathing. Like, I will walk before the games, I will walk into the endzone. And I will close my eyes and I will just breathe. And I didn't know at the time that this was called meditation. But I would close my eyes and just breathe, I will just breathe into my body breath into the presence. And I would imagine myself doing whatever it is I wanted to do. So when we ran that first play, he handed me the ball, juke to God, boom, boom, got like an eight-yard game. Not a big deal in the grand scheme of football, but it's a successful play. So my very first play was a successful play. And then at that moment, I was like, Okay, I've arrived, I'm about to take this shit over. Is what I told myself like, I'm taking this over, right? So we lose the game. Come over at the end. And my coach is like, Hey, I'm proud of you. I'm really proud of you. You showed me a side of you that I didn't know was in you. And I was like, Thanks, coach. And I told him I said, that talk we had over the summer really motivated me, you know? And he said, Alright, keep going. And so then after that moment, you know, my coach was my best friend. After that moment, he will always check in on me like, Hey, how are you doing? He would never, he would never yell at me. He would never scold me, he would never put me down after that. Because I showed him that like, I was like, I had a vision that was bigger than where I was at, you know, and I showed him that I was ready for it. So from there, that's how the affirmations really started? Because that was your question. I hope you remember that was your question.

Robin | [laughs] I do remember.

Sylvester | Okay. And then from there, it evolved. So when I got to college, it evolved. Because, you know, I had a lot of trauma. And now I leave the one thing that I felt like, which saved my life, which was sports. But when I got to college, I wasn't on the football team right away, I had to walk onto the football team, meaning I had to try out. So I had a lot of uncertainty. And I didn't know if I was gonna get on the team. I knew in my heart, but obviously you don't know in real life, like if you're gonna, if it's gonna happen. And so I got back in my notebook, and I'm talking about every day, front and back. If you pull out a college rule notebook, I think there's 180 pages. And I believe there's either 29 or 30 lines. And the only reason I know that is because I would write front and back, you know, front and back. And the way I would write, I would just free write, I wouldn't really look at what I was writing. And then I will just count, I had like a cadence, you know, like, one and that just meant one line, two, four, you know, and each day I will come in and I will say okay, when I open this notebook, I have a certain target. So it was 18, 25, 30. Like, I would just pick a number and write till I hit that line. And that's when I really got to learn that like okay, I have what it takes to be an author, like because I can prolifically write, whether it's writing guys scene, writing an emotion, writing a story, writing a concept. Like, that's when I learned I'm like, okay, like, I actually can do this, I could really do this. So, yeah, great question. Thank you, you sent me down a beautiful rabbit hole that just brought me so many memories that I feel like are important, especially for the listener, because I feel like there's so much we can extract, you know, from that story that we can integrate.

Robin | I agree. What, what I got and what I do get from listening to you and talking to you and reading your books is it really it comes down to practice, right? Like, you know, you can't get like, you know, like one of the things you say Sly is you got to get your reps in. Right? And that's a gym term. And how are you supposed to get better at anything, really, even when it comes down to affirmations? It's like, the more you do them, the better you're going to get. And it does, it requires showing up for yourself. And practice. Right?

Sylvester | You know, it's so funny, you're making me think about my son, he's three. And he has this concept that the first time he does something he's supposed to be prolific. And if it doesn't work, he throws it like he, like the other day he was trying to eat, eat something. And you know, if you pick up a spoon, you got to have a certain finesse to it, you know, to pick up the spoon, pick up what you're, you're eating balance it, getting into your mouth, you know, like, there's a little finesse that's required here. And so he's trying to like shovel the food. And I'm like, Baby, you got to be a little more patient here. You got to eat this a little bit slower. And then so he picks up the liquid. Oh, he was eating miso soup. We had some Japanese food. And we're eating some miso. And you know, he tries to get to the miso. He turns to fast. Miso comes all over his shirt everywhere. And he's just like [yells] he rages, throws the spoon. And I'm telling him I'm like, buddy, you got to just practice, man. It's okay that you got miso all over your shirt. It's okay. You haven't done this a million times. But allow yourself to practice. And he's like, practice daddy? I sais yeah. Allow yourself to practice. Go pick up your spoon. And let's just try it again. If you need help, ask me for help. You don't have to do it by yourself. He's like, okay, all right, daddy. So then he like, does it and he gets it after a few more tries, you know, three or four more tries. He gets it. And then he's like, at peace. So it's like, why did we lose that? You know, as adults. Why did we lose that? Like, we still as adults are gonna have to practice. We're going to spill the soup on our shirts, in life. And we're going to have to go, we can't throw the spoon. You have to pick it up. You got to get your counsel, you got to get counsel. Hey, can you help me with this? I'm really messing up my shirt. Can you help me? You know, like, that never ends.

Robin | Yeah. Wow. Well, I could talk to you for hours more. I love your stories Sylvester. And I really appreciate you coming on. And I invite everybody that's listening to get your books, like any of your books, because I mean, we've read two and I'm like, woah, they're fantastic. You've got seven others. And you said you're working on another one?

Sylvester | Yeah, so it's funny. You mentioned Hay House and Louise Hay. I'm signed to Hay House.

Robin | Oh, you are?!

Sylvester | Yeah, I'm signed to Hay House. So I'm working on. So they actually bought my book care package, care package book, I signed two book deals with them. So they have the care package book is gonna come out this year, re-releasing it is going to come out in August. And so yeah, it's cool. It's really cool to, like, independently publish a book. And then the biggest personal development self help company in the world is, hey, we need that, we need you like, come be on our team, you know? So they're re-releasing it, they're editing it right now. They're gonna put a new cover on there. I added some more quotes in there and edit some more words in there. So really excited about that. It's like one of the biggest things that's ever happened to me in my career. And then I'm working on a new book that will come out next August for my birthday. You know, so I got two books coming out. And then, you know, I'll tell you a little bit about the new book, at least I'll tell you one of the things that at least one of the principles of it, because I'm still working on the title. I think I have, I think, let's speak this ino the universe. Okay. I believe that I have a title that will help this book be a New York Times best seller. Okay, I believe that.

Robin | Yeah.

Sylvester | Now titles are important, you know, like the quality of the book matters, but titles are important too. And I want to share with you one of the principles of the book that I'm working on. Okay. What do you want? I'm asking you, what do you want?

Robin | One of the things I want is to sell out our summit on April 15, definitely. [laughs]

Sylvester | So, what I want you to do there, two things. First of all, I want you to be a home for that idea. A lot of the things that we crave are external. But it only comes to us when we become a home for that idea. When we become a place of welcome. When you when I, when we become a place of welcome for the thing that we want the universe, the God, the Spirit, the energy, the cosmos, gets behind that idea and powers it. It's like if you get get in a raft, and you just sit there, you won't be in the same spot, like that river is going to move you. Right? So we have to be a home, we have to be a raft. And what that means is fully embodying the thing that you want. What do you want? Okay, you want to sell out your show? You're gonna do it.

Robin | I feel like, I feel like I'm already there. I've seen, I've, I'm living it.

Sylvester | Good.

Robin | Is that what you mean? Is that what you mean by "being a home for it"?

Sylvester | Yes, you're embodying it.

Robin | I am embodying it.

Sylvester | The second thing is I want you to tell someone about it every day.

Robin | Yes, every day.

Sylvester | Every day. And obviously, it can, it can vary. It can say, hey, I'm gonna sell this thing out. It can be that or it can be telling people you know about your event, but I want you to tell someone about it every day. And if you can't find an audience, because some people can't find an audience for the thing. I want you to write it down. On the days when you don't have an audience for the thing that you want to embody. I want you to write it down in your journal. Every day.

Robin | Yes. Okay.

Sylvester | It works. It works. From a neuroscience perspective. It helps us rewire our brains to becoming a place of welcome for the thing that we want. It helps us remove the restrictions that we may have. When we say Hey, this is what I'm doing. This is what I'm doing. Like this is what I want.

Robin | Beautiful. I love it. Oh, that's wonderful. Well, thank you so much, Sylvester, I really just this conversation was a gift. And I know that our listeners are gonna love it too. And I just so appreciate you and our time together today.

Sylvester | Thank you for the space. Appreciate it. I appreciate just collaborating with you over the years. And just you getting to know me and you given me the opportunity to speak and the thoughtfulness that you have, the questions that you have. And then also I appreciate you giving me opportunities to work with you and your company because I love the mission that you have. And I'm just so grateful and humbled. So I appreciate you. Thank you.

Robin | Please visit realloveready.com to become a member of our community. Submit your relationship questions for our podcast experts. At reallovereadypodcast@gmail.com We read everything you send. Be sure to rate and review this podcast. Your feedback helps us get you the relationship advice and guidance you need. The Real Love Ready Podcast is recorded and edited by Maia Anstey. Transcriptions by otter.ai and edited by Maia Anstey. We at Real Love Ready, acknowledge and express gratitude for the Coast Salish people, the stewards of the land on which we work and play, and encourage everyone listening to take a moment to acknowledge and express gratitude for those that have stewarded and continue to steward the land that you live on as well.

Transcription by https://otter.ai & edited by Maia Anstey