Anne Marie & Brooks
Choosing Each Other
Anne Marie and Brooks met in 1998. We know this because Brooks kept repeating it, poking fun at his pre-interview prep and memorization as we sat down for a #RealLifeRealLove conversation. Immediately, it became clear that Anne Marie and Brooks were almost embodied by their home. Fun prints sporadically placed across the clean white walls with tall ceilings in minimalist-type rooms. Among these paintings were pop culture references, including a poster of Anne Marie and Brooks paying homage to the Keanu Reeves film, “The Matrix Reloaded”, instead saying, “Marriage Reloaded” with a photo of the couple at their second wedding. A pane of glass with mindful sticky notes placed along the left side of it, faced the living area where we sat at the kitchen table together to chat above background noise that was kids loud with happiness. You could smell a delicious meal cooking in the kitchen, a subtle hint that one of them was likely a great cook (we found out later it was Brooks). The home felt like a fusion of two worlds; strategy and freedom.
When asked about the Matrix play-on poster from their wedding, Brooks says, “Well, it's the second movie. And it was the second time we got married, or our vow renewal. It’s great because we can choose to get married a third or fourth time because there will probably be a few more movies”. Of course, it may be surprising to hear someone, (particularity a man) say that he would choose to have a third or fourth wedding with the same woman in a society where wedding culture can be quite stressful. That isn’t Anne Marie and Brooks.
Just like their view on matrimony, they are unconventional and they choose to write their own rules. In telling of their relationship, as Anne Marie says, “We choose each other. Every day. Again and again.”, a capability in continually holding space for love is illuminated. “The renewal of our vows was big in our relationship because we have continued to challenge each other and grow and of course we’ve had challenges along the way, but it’s our commitment to each other. It’s like, I choose you. We don’t have to choose each other. It was important for us to say that we choose each other. We are still interesting to one other. We are the best confidants and great compliment to one another.”
How often we forget we have a choice to choose love. Perhaps it’s possible that we might forget the power in reminding someone we love that they simply did not “happen” to enter the plotline of our lives, but rather, that we chose to have them there, and that they chose us too.
“We choose each other. Every day. Again and again.”
As Anne Marie and Brooks share details of their story that now spans over 22 years, they somehow feel timeless. Brooks shares that they don’t watch the same shows on Netflix together, while Anne Marie recounts of her travels across the world as a 5Rhythms dance teacher. They both completed Master’s at Royal Roads, yet find identity and authenticity in their own passions. Brooks, currently completing a PHD in Climate Change Adaption, explains their worlds using a venn diagram.
A venn diagram is a set of two circles overlapping that formally shows all possible logical relations between a finite collection of different sets. So, if Anne Marie and Brooks are the different sets, and their relationship is the space within the overlap, how would they describe it? They use words like freedom, individuality and support to chronicle the dynamic of their relationship.
Brooks describes, “What works in our relationship is that we are a good separation of Church and State. Anne Marie has a life that is much different than my life. She has a large group of friends and I have a large group of friends and there is some overlap and some that are mutual – but we have very separate worlds. That is very good for me; I enjoy the independence of being who I am. In previous relationships, there was always a lot of conflict about me wanting to do what I wanted to do and that person not wanting me to.” When asked what advice either one would give to their younger selves, Anne Marie emphatically responds, “Do not be a desperate partner. Get your own life. Find your own interests and enjoyment. Get on with what you need to do in life. Follow your instinct and trust when your instinct is unexpected.”
“We have maintained the ability to be separate people. We give each other permission to live our own lives. That’s the way we’ve done it and it works so well for us.”
The love Anne Marie and Brooks embody is given readily; voluntarily, though not simple, or to be internalized as a fairy-tale. Deep love is dynamic, just as each of us are as individuals navigating the realm of partnership. With over two decades of history between them, it’s no surprise that Anne Marie and Brooks have changed individually over the years. They share how they have lovingly and consciously worked to grow and mature their relationship with one another as well. “Brooks has always been hugely supportive of my growth and change. I continually take time to go to counseling and meditation and work on my own stuff so that I can be a support for Brooks, too. We are a sense of grounding for each other.”
“I continually take time to go to counseling and meditation and work on my own stuff so that I can be a support for Brooks, too.”
Talking with Anne Marie and Brooks brought light to the seemingly benign concept of freewill in a very real life real love way. It is clear that Anne Marie and Brooks have designed their relationship according to their own rules, not social norms and expectations. For those in partnership or pursuing a relationship, you hold the power to decide on someone and build a relationship that serves both individuals and also the union you share. For us, there were many “eureeka!” moments gained at Anne Marie and Brooks’ kitchen table. Hopefully their love story creates some comfort for you as you continue to move through this world, knowing you are in control of your ability to choose love in a way that feels timelessly authentic to you.
XO,
Payten and Robin
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