Connecting On & Offline
2019; what a time to be digitally alive!
A time where our chosen profile picture determines our initial desirability, our social media platforms decide how interesting we are, and our bio gets right to the point in stating whether we are after love, something casual, or strictly sex. The reality is, when it comes to dating today, we certainly are not in Kansas anymore.
Our phones and computers act as the key to our relational success in many ways, often as the outlet in building connections where we may not have otherwise made them in person. Most people nowadays have put a lot of work into building an online presence, from Facebook to Instagram and LinkedIn. For those seeking partnership online, hours go into crafting profiles and messaging potential partners.
It is possible that the access we have to digital connection leaves little space for authentic face-to-face interaction; which also limits our likelihood of being “shut down” or rejected. This seems like a good thing in many ways. If you aren’t putting yourself out there in person when it comes to candid conversation and communication, you don’t have to worry about being turned down.
In other words, digital connection can bypass a sense of vulnerability, and vulnerability can of course, be scary.
For example, pretend you had a moment in the coffee shop line. You feel confident and good about yourself that day, and you’re making friendly eye contact with the stranger in front of you. Maybe you ask him a question and the two of you start chatting. The conversation is going well and you’re connecting (despite your quirky joke not landing - where you end up laughing louder than him at the punch-line). Just as you smartly suggest the two of you exchange numbers, his girlfriend appears from the bathroom and joins him in line. Womp womp wommmmpp, hellllllo rejection my old friend.
Dating apps remove this opportunity for embarrassment followed by self pity, as we know whomever is “liking” our profile is using this service because they aren’t taken or unavailable. It’s like a vulnerability insurance policy. But here’s the thing, embarrassment and self pity are not the two primary emotions we should be feeling following an in-person “missed-connection”. The fact is, the connection wasn’t missed; the connection occurred, and simply did not pan out in a way you expected.
I can’t help but wonder if we are deciding not to opt-in to face-to-face interaction as a result of being given the option to opt out? We put a lot of effort into selling our authentic selves online. We take the time to carefully assemble digital profiles that reflect who we are, our interests, and our lifespan experiences. We workshop witty one-liners to plug into our dating app bios that might catch the attention of someone we hope has as good of a sense of humour as we do. We are ok to put ourselves out there online. Is the same effort going into meeting people in our day-to-day offline interactions? When the cute stranger at the gym tries to make us laugh in passing, but we are too busy looking at our phones to catch it, is our digitally demonstrated sense of humour really present? Are we only willing to be our best selves through online interactions as we have decided to focus the majority of our energy there?
During the process of looking for love, we sometimes get tunnel vision. Maybe we haven’t even created an online profile, yet remain unwilling to connect in person either unless we feel an immediate, recognizable attraction to someone. This is often the case when pursuing love, as we have preconceived notions of EXACTLY what we are looking for. NY Times Bestselling author and successful Matchmaker, Rachel Greenwald’s experience proves that your partner will most likely come in a package you least expect!
When we put ourselves out there on these apps, there still remains uncertainty. Just because you decided to swipe right doesn’t mean that they will too; there is still an ever present opportunity for rejection.
We live in a world that can sometimes teach you to move around just waiting for someone to choose to connect with you.
It may be as simple as this; if you want to “meet” someone, you might actually have to “meet” them first. If you want connection, then make it so.
It’s absolutely possible that we can enjoy the fun of dating apps, and not close the door on an in-person connection. Who knows! Maybe it’s three months, or even a year later, when you’re back at that same coffee shop and you and your “missed connection” wind up in that same line. Maybe things are different and you exchange numbers. Or, maybe it’s someone else in that line, and when your quirky joke lands without flaw and they laugh without hesitation, you find yourself meeting someone new. Maybe you agree to get to know each other over a coffee right then and there. You thank your lucky stars you decided to leave your phone in your purse and be present in the coffee shop line for those 5 minutes.
XO
Payten and Robin
We want to connect with you, and above all, we want to know what you’re up to both on and offline. Reach out to us on our social media channels and share your dating success stories (or mishaps). Hopefully we can learn a thing or two through our shared experiences. #RealLifeRealLove