Casual Sex After a Break Up

"Can you do it sober?”

We asked Human Connection Specialist Mark Groves,

“When you're single, how important is it to have an active sex life? I feel like I am not someone who enjoys a "one night stand" or dating apps but that seems to be the culture in modern dating. If I am still hurt from a breakup, and not looking to get into another relationship, should I still be having sex?”

Here is what he had to say,

I would recommend that you look for why you are doing it.  You know, I used to use intimacy much like a drug where it was like, I got validation.  It made it so I didn’t have to sit with myself. It made it so I didn’t have to be present. And that’s why I would explore that part of you.  Are you using it to avoid the stillness and the space that would be taken up? Because in that space is usually where that feeling of loneliness is.  If you’re seeking sex to help you heal from loneliness then what you’re doing is using it like a drug because what happens is it becomes, you get the dopamine release, the oxytocin.  So, it becomes this sort of misogynistic experience where we get pleasure from the pain. So, we are in pain and then we get rewarded by pleasure. And so again it becomes this distraction from ourselves, like alcohol, drugs can be.   

And that’s why I would invite you, if you’ve never done it, to sit with yourself.   To actually sit in that space. You know, if you really want to experience some sexual experience, go buy a toy.  You know, explore yourself sexually because you can bring that container to your next relationship. I think maybe .0004% of the human population can legitimately have a Friends with Benefits without catching feelings.  I mean you’re biologically designed to fall in love with people that you have sex with and I would imagine…again, people be like, “that’s not true.” I don’t really care, because that’s just my thought and my feeling, which is that I think in some level we have to disassociate from ourselves in order to be in those experiences.  I think a really good question to ask yourself is one: “Why are you doing it?” and two: “Can you do it sober?” If you can’t do it sober, don’t do it. Then you know you’re putting yourself in a wounding situation. Everything I’ve ever heard of and I’ve experienced, someone always starts to catch the feelings.

Audio of our conversation with Mark is available on our Instagram or Facebook !