I’ve Been Actively Seeking a Partner for the Last Five Years

A Conversation with Denise Valle:

Written by Payten Jackson

During the last six months that I have been working as the Communications Specialist for Real Love Ready, I have interviewed a number of impressive thought leaders. Each of these interviews have been unique, always sending me on my way with a new intellectual gem I can put into practice in the wild. When recently given the opportunity to interview one of my close friends, I was ecstatic. If you know Denise Valle, you know she always dives deep. Whether its conversation, relationships or her work, she always shows up one hundred percent authentic. Amongst a number of beautiful titles, Denise is a Singer-Song Writer who gifts love and light to the world through her music.

I reflected on the conversations I have had over the past few months with Real Love Ready Summit keynote speakers Danielle Laporte, Terri Cole, Mark Groves and Rachel Greenwald prior to interviewing Denise. I knew she had been following the account for some time, and thought it would be fun to see what she had taken away from the content we had put out there related to these interviews. While you can only get a glimpse into the dynamic minds of these keynotes via social media, the Real Love Ready Summit provides an opportunity to spend an entire weekend learning alongside them, and the beautiful community we are so grateful to be growing.

To me, Denise is the epitome of being Real Love Ready and her interview is exemplary of her eternal optimism for love.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN ACTIVELY LOOKING FOR YOUR PERSON? 

I’ve been actively seeking a partner for the last 5 years. 

WHAT ARE SOME TRIUMPHS AND CHALLENGES YOU HAVE FACED WHILE DATING?

I’m going to start with the triumphs because sometimes it’s easier to focus on the challenges when we really should be paying attention to the wins! Each relationship has taught me to be more confident about expressing my value in the dating process earlier than later. Past relationships have pushed me to learn a safe pace for bringing up hard conversations, giving the person an opportunity to pull closer. This then clears the negative narrative I’ve previously carried that they may walk away. These moments have strengthened my self-worth. A lot of people may give you relationship advice but it’s important to remember to listen to your heart and mind. You are the person who lives with your choices, not anyone else. A challenge I’ve encountered is resting in the belief that if someone is interested in you, they will go out of their way to pursue you (even if it’s inconvenient). In moments of vulnerability, I can push and overshare in order to sooth my anxious mind. I’ve found myself pushing for things to progress when the other person may be showing hesitancy with how much they choose to give me in return.Some of my favourite moments have been in the early stages of getting to know my previous boyfriends, particularly in the context of long distance. There would come a point when they would have to make a difficult financial and personal choice to buy a plane ticket to come visit me. This action would cost them something. Often they would say to me “you’re worth the risk” - which meant so much to me. It would’ve been easy for me to be the first person to take the trip in hopes of soothing the discomfort - but my relationships were always strengthened by the choice they made to make the sacrifice. 

“ A lot of people may give you relationship advice but it’s important to remember to listen to your heart and mind. You are the person who lives with your choices, not anyone else.”

MARK GROVES SAYS, "YOUR SELF-WORTH DOESN’T LIVE IN BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP". WHAT HAVE YOU LEARNED MOST ABOUT YOURSELF WHILE ACTIVELY DATING? 

When you begin to unwrap the “just be nice” narrative, it can get messy. “Just being nice” can look like preferring others at the expense of your needs and wants. In romantic relationships, it’s alright to want things. I do think we can become passive in vocalizing our desires because we all struggle with a fear of rejection. It can also feel like the gate narrows when we express our needs and wants in an area that can already feel hopeless. Fighting for our wants and desires can be pushed to the side when we aren’t certain of our self-worth. When we ignore our needs, it can sometimes cause us to become physically sick - whether it manifests in terms of depression, anxiety or other physical illnesses. We suppress our needs in order to control the narrative we are portraying to our partner for a fear of rejection. That being said, I’ve come away from each relationship I’ve been in with a strengthened sense of self-worth and health because I’ve made the choice to have those hard conversations, no matter how difficult they may be. I’ve stayed true to who I am and fought for connection. 

IN SPEAKING TO MANIFESTING LOVE, DANIELLE LAPORTE SHARED WITH US,  “THE PRACTICALITY OF IT IS YOU NEED TO GET STUFF OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM, OUT OF YOUR LIFE, OUT OF YOUR PSYCHE THAT ARE BLOCKS TO THE LOVE THAT YOU DESIRE." IN YOUR EXPERIENCE, HAS THIS BEEN TRUE FOR YOU? IF SO, HOW? 

From age 27 and on, I finally began thinking to myself “Man, I really want to be in a relationship”. Practically, I felt myself getting older and watching friends progress into seasons of marriage and parenthood. It was hard not to feel like the clock was against me. I wondered when the “you still have time” cheer-me-up message from my peers would reach its expiry date.

Now that I’m in my 30’s, I find myself forgetting that my relationship desires could become a reality. It’s easier to push down the dream rather than focus on the reality that I’m currently in. I’ve come to realize that the roadblock being deconstructed is that my story is no less special or unique because it didn’t happen for me earlier on in life. My story is just as unique and I’m learning to love the process. 

WHEN DATING, SOMETIMES THINGS DON’T WORK OUT. TERRI COLE DID A POST WITH US CALLED “MOURNING THE DREAM” AND SHE SAYS, “WE NEED TO MOURN THE DREAM OF WHAT WE HOPED THE RELATIONSHIP WOULD BECOME.” WHILE ACTIVELY DATING, HOW DO YOU FIND YOU BEST BOUNCE BACK FROM A RELATIONAL ENDING AND REMAIN HOPEFUL FOR LOVE AND RELATIONSHIP? 

In my experience, there has to be a clean break from each person. I’ve found this to be one of the hardest things, especially in our current culture where social media is one of our main forms of communication. It’s a strange process having access to people's lives after a break up and dealing with the temptation to reach out, like, comment - all while still following along on the journey of their life via Instagram. Most times, this is where a downward spiral can happen: “Who commented on their photo?” “Why did that girl like his post?” “Oh, he’s hanging out with them.” “He’s following her mom! OMG!” But as many of us know, we often only see half the story on social media. To protect my mind and heart, I’ve found the best thing for me to do is to block them completely. This seems to be one of the only ways I can free space in my mind and heart to move on from them. 

Another helpful way of bouncing back from a break-up has been leaning on my community, reminding me that a painful ending won’t always be the story. I find that I can spiral into a negative headspace thinking things like: “I’m never opening up my heart again”. These moments push me to vocalize my thoughts giving my friends an opportunity to knock some sense into me. 

I’ve also felt renewed hope by gathering couples around me that display a healthy love life, inspiring me to seek that out in future relationships. Although it can be painful at times if viewing things through a lens of lack, I’ve also recognized that it takes strength to sit in these moments and let it become inspiration versus disappointment knowing that my story will look different, and that’s okay.

CELEBRITY MATCHMAKER AND DATING EXPERT, RACHEL GREENWALD SAYS IN RESPONSE TO THE QUESTION “WHERE DO I MEET SINGLES?”, “THE KEY POINT OF FOCUS IS THAT YOU’RE USING THE WRONG WORD. IT’S NOT ABOUT WHERE YOU MEET THEM, BUT HOW DO YOU MEET THEM.” IF IT'S NOT ABOUT “WHERE” YOU MEET SINGLES, WHAT HAVE YOU FOUND SUCCESSFUL OR NOT SUCCESSFUL IN “HOW” TO MEET SINGLES? 

I’ve had to ask myself the question “What does successful dating look like?” I believe that if I’m able to leave the person better than when we first met, the relationship was worth it. The “how” is really an accumulation of little moments where we chose to show up fully and love without fear. 

“In my experience, there has to be a clean break from each person. I’ve found this to be one of the hardest things, especially in our current culture where social media is one of our main forms of communication.”

IF YOU COULD ASK RACHEL GREENWALD ONE QUESTION ABOUT DATING, WHAT WOULD IT BE? 

For most of my past relationships, I’ve shared the same faith background as my partners. This year was the first time I explored relationships with people who don’t necessarily share the same beliefs. I’d be curious to hear Rachel’s thoughts on if she thinks it’s possible to build an honest, supportive relationship if your partner varies or disagrees with your religious beliefs.

HAVE THERE BEEN ANY “AH HA” MOMENTS THAT HAVE CHANGED YOUR PERSPECTIVE ON LOOKING FOR LOVE SINCE FOLLOWING THE REAL LOVE READY SUMMIT RELATIONSHIP THOUGHT LEADERS? 

Certain relationship experts have greatly impacted my growth and recovery. Mark Groves recently posted: “If you no longer align with someone, cut them off. Stop allowing them to have sometime-y access to you. Stop halfway distancing yourself. Be done so you can make room. Stop allowing old energy that no longer serves you to sit in a corner on idle.”  Meditating on this has given me the permission to create necessary boundaries. I’ve trained my body to know when I’m crossing a boundary - recognizing my need for grace, allowing myself to evolve and grow.