Making Yourself Easy to Find

Meet Erin.   

We had the pleasure of connecting with her to hear her RealLifeRealLove story.  When you meet Erin, it’s clear she is a beautiful person on the inside and out. She is a woman to be around.   She welcomes you in with her bright smile and engaging conversation; you immediately feel at home. Erin has a happy, full life. She has two children, excellent health, a fulfilling career and large circle of friends and family she is close to.   She is ready for her next big love.  We chatted about her journey to find Mr. Big.  

Here are some of her insights (Spoiler alert:  Her last sentiment pretty much sums it all up!).

RLR: How long have you been pursuing your next loving relationship?

E:  I have been separated for two years, but did not start dating until about a year ago.  I took the first year after my separation to focus on making sure my children (and myself!)  were adjusted to our new way of life. It was important I was in the right headspace before thinking about a new relationship. 

RLR: What are your greatest frustrations with online dating?  

E:  Online dating requires a lot of time and effort.  I have found there is little correlation between good texting and a good in person connection.   I have had good messaging with someone and then in person the conversation falls flat. I’ve experienced the opposite – where texting is minimal, but in person they are a better conversationalist.  

I feel like most people do not do themselves justice online.   Many men’s profiles I come across show blurry pictures, bad selfies and they are often holding up a fish they just caught!   With online profiles, first impressions are made on their photos, their ability to string a few sentences together and whether they can spell correctly or not.   I sometimes feel like I am passing good people up, but you have little else to go on.    

With online dating you can invest quite a bit of time in someone before you meet them and then within minutes of meeting  you either have good vibes or not. I prefer to meet sooner rather than later, but with the reality of trying to coordinate schedules of two busy adults (often juggling kids’ schedules too) it can be two weeks before that happens.  So it is frustrating and disappointing to spend two weeks chatting with someone and then meet and know within 5 minutes that they aren’t the right fit for me. The other thing that is trickier for me, as someone who is dating in their 40s, is being open to dating experiences even if you know that person is not “The One”.  I think there are valuable learning experiences to be had in all sorts of different relationships. Each one is teaching me more about myself and what I am looking for, but it’s easy to write someone off if you don’t think there is potential for something long term.   

RLR: What are some of the challenges (if any) you’re facing with finding a loving partnership?

E: I’m not confident that the online process is doing true matching (i.e. through an algorithm vs just shooting everyone my way that is in my age bracket).    Ideally, I would love to have someone I know make the introduction or meet someone through mutual interests.  

If you are in a relationship and you know two singles who you think might be a good match, ask if they are interested and then just hook them up.  There is no need to organize a social gathering in order to introduce two people you know (though I do love a good party!). It’s as easy as saying, “I know someone you may be interested in.   Can I give them your number?” It’s less awkward than you think. The value of meeting someone through a person you trust is enormous. Bottom line: Don’t organize a BBQ – just pass on the phone number! 

Married friends:  Don’t organize a BBQ – just pass on the phone number!  

RLR:  Tell us about one or more of your most recent dating experiences.

E:  I forgot how entertaining dating can be. There is always a good story even if the date doesn’t turn out as hoped.  Recently I went out with a guy I met online and we were on our 2nd date. In an attempt to make it feel a little more interesting than a typical dinner date, I suggested Japanese Village.  This is a place that you share a table with 8 other people. You all sit around a big grill where the chef cooks your food and does a bit of a performance for the diners.  Half way through the meal, the chef made a giant heart out of the vegetables he was sautéing and went around the table and asked all the couples at the table to kiss. So awkward!  My date handled it well and we laughed it off, but I most certainly won’t be going back for Japanese cuisine early on in a relationship!     

RLR:  If you had an hour to sit with a dating coach or relationship expert, what would you ask him/her?

E:  I would ask about some tips on how to approach men in real life.  I find it really easy to strike up conversations online because you can view a profile and you have information to go on.  But in real life it’s a little more intimidating. I prefer in-real-life connections because you can pick up the energy of the other person in minutes and that is not true of text communication.  I would also ask how to move from the superficial conversations of the first couple dates to something deeper. The first dates are usually easy because there is lots to talk about and general small chat, but sometimes it is difficult to move to that next level.  And on a lighter note, I would ask for some unique dating ideas for those first few dates. Something other than going for coffee or a drink, which has its place but can also feel a bit like an interview.    

RLR:  When you picture your next loving relationship, what does it look like?

E:  As devastating as divorce can be, the exciting thing about it is that if you do the hard work on yourself, you have a chance to take the next relationship to a whole new level.  I have learned so much about what I really want out of my next partnership and where I went wrong in my last relationship. These are things I really never thought deeply about when I entered into my marriage.   I’m at a place in my life where I don’t want more kids and I have a stable career, so I don’t need a partner to provide either of those things. I can focus on finding a partner that I have a true soul to soul connection with.  I know that there will be challenges with combining two different lives at this point in life, but I trust that with the right person we will navigate through it successfully.  

I’m very optimistic that the person I’m looking for is going to find me – I just need to put myself out there and make sure I’m easy to find  ☺

We want to hear your #RealLifeRealLove stories.  Please share your dating challenges and triumphs with us! We would love to share your experiences and hopefully learn a thing of two from each another.