My Ex Reached Out

RLR x Mark Groves

This month we are featuring a conversation with Real Love Ready Summit keynote Mark Groves based on personal questions our community members had for him.

“It's been 3 years since my ex and I broke up. We had a 6-year relationship that ended with lying, cheating and manipulation (on his part). He is currently in a new long-term relationship. Recently, he has been reaching to spend time in social settings together. Our city is small, so it's not unusual to run into him and his girlfriend frequently. I have always been very kind to them, even though he really hurt me, and after all this time I am wondering: a) What it means that he is reaching out? b) How much time is too much time to express any words I have left unsaid?”

Here is what Mark had to say,

“We have this interesting experience where we don’t feel comfortable saying “No” or asking questions that are direct to actually get great information. We would rather read a book or go on Instagram and ask questions rather than just going to the horse’s mouth.”

First, I would say it is interesting that he’s reaching out now.  It depends on the intention of him reaching out. Personally, I would invite that question, “Why are you reaching out to me?”  (I would be coming up with an answer, but it would be straight assumptions). I would just invite that question, “What is your intention with reaching out to me?”  Be direct. This is how we manage and curate what we allow in our lives. We have this interesting experience where we don’t feel comfortable saying “no” or asking questions that are direct to actually get great information.   We would rather read a book or go on Instagram and ask questions rather than just going to the horse’s mouth. We want to postulate. We spend so much time trying to figure out why other people do what they do when we could literally be like, “Why are you doing that?”  And that just seems so much simpler. So, the first is, I would just ask him why he is reaching out. He could be looking to clear and apologise for his former behavior. And the other side of it is, it could be just continued manipulation type of behaviour. But that can’t get anywhere if we say, “Why are you reaching out to me?”  And then we just put down, we slam it down with a “No, that’s not ok,” if it doesn’t feel ok.

I think that connects to the second part which is, how much time is too much time to express any words I’ve left unsaid? If we find ourselves in situations with people who are liars, manipulators, cheaters, (I’m generalizing here) it’s likely that we are someone who hides our voice and doesn’t really express our boundaries and we don’t stand in the truth.  We have probably been conditioned to ignore red flags because we grew up in a place where we had to ignore certain types of behavior or truths that really existed in what we observed. I don’t think there’s any time that’s too much time to express how you feel and what you need to clear. I think the real question is, what’s the intention of doing it? Because if it puts you back into a situation where you’re potentially going to re-wound yourself, that’s not safe for you.   As where, we really do hold on to these hurts. If it’s not safe to do it with someone, you can set up two chairs. One is an empty chair that is them and you can clear with that and then you can switch chairs and take on their role to respond. That’s a really beautiful way to clear things.

“Anger is what changes worlds. It’s what saves us. It’s what says “No”. It’s what says “No more.” It’s what says “I won’t tolerate that.” It’s what sets bottom lines in what we’ll allow in our relationships.”

But if it is safe and this is the opportunity to be like, “Hey, I’d actually like to sit down with you” (and tell you a few things about how you’re experienced by the world). “It really hurt me when you cheated on me and you lied to me.”  We are often afraid of expressing our anger and our rage. But if you don’t get to know the edge of your rage, which you can do safely through things like boxing or working with a therapist or Coach who can work you through that. I like boxing, personally, because you can let the energy flow through you and then what you learn to do is that you can learn to dance safely in clean anger. Anger that’s safe. We often associate aggression with anger so we’re afraid of anger. But anger is what changes worlds. It’s what saves us.  It’s what says “no”. It’s what says “no more.” It’s what says “I won’t tolerate that.” It’s what sets bottom lines in what we’ll allow in our relationships.

Video footage of Mark’s wisdom is available on our Instagram or Facebook !