Repeating Relationship Realities

“Why do I feel that way?”

One of our Real Love Ready Community members asked Terri Cole, “A major problem I have in dating is not feeling valuable, or like I bring enough to the table for someone who is interested in me. How can I combat that feeling?”

HERE IS WHAT SHE HAD TO SAY…

The question I would ask you is, “Where have you felt not good enough before? Where else were you not, quote unquote, “bringing enough to the table for someone to stay interested in you?” Could be a parent who was a workaholic who wasn’t around. It could be abandonment stuff if you had a parent leave. That’s the first. You want to change the feeling. It always comes back to us, right? It always comes back to, “Why do I feel that way?” Especially because there is definitely nothing wrong with you. You have plenty to bring to any relationship. I don’t even know you and I can tell you that. You are literally lovable. You are just innately, you are alive, you are loveable. You are worthy of love. So that is some kind of repetition.

You are just innately, you are alive, you are loveable. You are worthy of love. So that is some kind of repetition.

We are going to do what I call, go back to the scene of the crime or identify “Perpetrator Zero,” I like to call it. Which is like…who was the original injury formed by, right? Therapeutically we talk about original injuries simply because as human beings we have a tendency to repeat things. So, Freud would call it Repetition Compulsion. I would call it Repeating Relationship Realities. It’s like we all have our different ways of doing it, but what it means is that you’re having some kind of transference experience. So, you’re bringing unresolved charged material from the past and your unconscious mind into the present situation and it actually informs and drives your behaviour. So, I look at the unconscious mind like the basement of your house. So, a lot of us, especially high functioning women (which I feel like is all of you people watching this right now). It’s like, we’re so good at negotiating systems and getting it done! We know how. We are dutiful, we’re coachable, we’re like, “Just tell me what to do. I’m gonna do it. I got it.” So, let’s say from that point of view you’re like, “Ok, I’m gonna clean my house. I’m gonna clean it from top to bottom.” You could just scrub from top to bottom with a toothbrush the entire thing, but if you have let’s say a bag of crap or a dead animal in your basement, how’s your house gonna smell? Funky. Your house is still gonna smell funky. So, this is your basement. So, imagine what I’m gonna tell you to do right now. This is like me, I’m an amazing GPS to get you to your answers. I certainly do not have your answers, right? Only you do. Every person watching this, you have them, but they’re hidden. So, it isn’t just like, “Oh, the answers are within you.” I’m like, “Yeah.” Before I was in therapy I was like, “Could somebody give me some manual so I can find them?” Like, I believe that to be true, but I need to locate them if I am going to get the benefit from them. So, imagine right now the process we’re going to do. I have a little headlamp on. We’re going down into the dark basement. I’m holding your hand and I’m leading you to where your bag of crap is. Once you find that then you can go, “Oh.”

“We are so good at negotiating systems and getting it done! We know how. We are dutiful, we’re coachable, we’re like, “Just tell me what to do. I’m gonna do it. I got it.” ”

You’re going to ask yourself these three questions to help you identify sort of “Perpetrator Zero” or what transference you may be having.

First question is, #1: Who does this person remind me of?

Second question is, #2: Where have I felt like this before?

Third question is, #3 Why is this behavioural dynamic or this relationship dance, like they do this then I do this. They say this, I feel this way. That is a relationship dance. Why is it familiar to me? Or how is it familiar to me?

Now, a little addendum to those three questions or the 3Q’s Tool, which is what I call it, is when I’m sitting here in this new relationship feeling insecure and like I don’t have anything to bring to the party (which is what you’re saying), who do I become and who does that other person become? So, that might sound weird. I’ll explain it a little bit further, which is you might emotionally turn into your ten-year old self. The person you’re dating might turn into your authoritarian parent – your father. A transference is where you’re reacting in this present moment fueled by unresolved injuries or feelings from the past. So why don’t we want to do that? Well, a: A lot of that happened when you were a child, so we don’t want our 10-year old or 15-year old self driving the bus of our current life, correct? Emotionally we do not want that. But more than that it’s telling you that those things need your attention. When you realize that you might be responding in a romantic situation, you become your ten- year old self and that person becomes your father, 50% of the compulsion to do that – to have that fear – can be wiped away simply by realizing, “Oh, this is not happening in real time. This is my childhood self. I am not ten. This dude is not my father. Oh, ok.”