The Three Date Rule with Rachel Greenwald

You’re playing Detective.

Today, we continue our video series for those of you seeking a loving relationship. Celebrity Matchmaker and Dating Coach, Rachel Greenwald, gives people actionable and effective dating advice for finding lasting love.

One of our Real Love Ready community members asked Rachel,

“I can’t seem to get past date two or three before I lose interest. How many dates do you think are warranted before moving on? When is it too soon to pass judgement or when do you just know?”

Here is Rachel’s response:

I have a Three Date Rule. I think that people are not authentic on the first date in any way. You’re not authentic and he’s not authentic. It’s sort of an obvious statement, but think about it. On the first date from your perspective, you are bringing to that dinner table or that bar where you’re having a first-date drink, you are bringing all sorts baggage. You are bringing disappointment from past relationships - that you want to make sure are not going to happen again in the future relationship. So, you are bringing in a list in your head (whether it’s subliminal or not) of at least 10 things that your ex-boyfriends or ex-husband didn’t do or things that were wrong with him and you’re looking to screen those out with the new guy. You’re playing Detective. So, you’re focused on evaluating him through a filter of your past disappointments and expectations. There’s nothing in that that’s authentic about you. You are simply holding up a screening tool, metaphorically, and he’s doing the same thing. He has also had past disappointments and expectations from his last relationships as well. Also, you’re nervous and he’s probably nervous, too. So, you’re bringing to that first date some jitters and you may not be behaving in a normal way.

You may be drinking one too many cocktails and acting silly or talking too much or talking too fast or you may have body language that you’re using that’s reflective of your anxiety or nerves. Maybe you show up and he doesn’t look the way you hoped. His photo that you Googled or saw in an online profile isn’t matching what you’re seeing in person so you’re showing up with disappointment or a frown on your face. There are a million permutations  that I could mention about what’s happening on your end and on his end in the first date. So, the first date is just really something to get past. Now, does everything magically change on the second date or even the third date? Not necessarily. I would say for sure: not much changes on the second date because what most people are doing is taking information and judgements from the first date and carrying them over into the second date. Whatever those opinions and judgements are, you’re kind of having a repeat on date two from date one, but just a little more filtered now that you’re focusing in on what your concerns might be left-over from date one.

“I would say for sure: not much changes on the second date because what most people are
doing is taking information and judgements from the first date and carrying them over into the
second date.”

So, date three is probably the earliest, I think, that people can show up a little more authentically. I think by date three if you are not feeling any attraction or chemistry or hearing things that really interest you and feel worthy of investing more time, than that’s the pivotal moment where you can start to pull back and say to yourself, “This isn’t really going to go anywhere and my time is better utilized going back online (or back into the dating pool in whatever way you’re looking) and meeting somebody new.” But this only applies if somebody shows up on the first date as a nice guy. On the first date if somebody shows up and he is rude or mean or insulting or anything that is really a big red flag, then I would forget about him right away. I would never even give him a second date. In fact, I would cut the first date short. But the typical scenario that I hear is that people show up to the first date table and they say, “This person is perfectly nice, but I don’t feel any chemistry or attraction.” That is when you give somebody three dates. That is my Three Date Rule. Try not to look at these dates as opportunities to judge because you really should just be enjoying yourself and acting out of curiosity and getting to know this person. Remember that curiosity is your friend. Ask questions. Be deeply interested and that’s the way to get to the third date where you can begin to know if this person is worth your time.

“Try not to look at these dates as opportunities to judge because you really should just be enjoying yourself and acting out of curiosity and getting to know this person. Remember that curiosity is your friend.”